and sometimes you wonder.

Things were said to me today, not in a "i'm being mean" way, but rather from the perspective of a realist. You know, how I've always said that I knew where I wanted to go, where I wanted to be and how I have the greatest of ambitions which I'm absolutely not scared of working hard for. I've got my subjects for my next two semesters down to a pat, I've applied for every possible firm to be at least one step closer to my dreams and I'm trying to do all I can, everything that is within my power to get there. I'm trying the hardest I can already.

But know what, I don't know which is more depressing - knowing where you want to go and at the same time, not knowing whether you'll get there or not because it's not in your hands OR not knowing absolutely where you're heading and just see where life takes you at the end of it all.

I'm getting worried. Honestly I am. Because whether I'm graduating next semester or after two semesters, I feel that I'm in a predicament at the moment. I step forward and I seem to take two steps back. I try but I fall back harder. It's hard to be hopeful when there's nothing that is certain. Today, really today. Today I feel as if I'm utterly tired of trying, of chasing. Utterly, utterly tired. I want to drop all expectations as well. I wish too sometimes (quite alot now) that i was in first year coz' perhaps, there may have been some stuff that I would have done differently. I think sometimes, I live my life with too many regrets.

Day breaks and life is the darkest room
....
It feels like I've just woke up
and the world is just going up and up
And it's a long way here
And the big wheels they keep on turning
and you don't slow down you just keep on learning
- Sometimes I feel like Alice, Lisa Mitchell

babe. i know i don't write as well as you do..but i empathise. i do. -hugs-