When friday comes around...

When friday comes around, it really just means that another week is over and the weekend is here. whee. On most other times, when friday comes around, it means a date with the wall. I sure hope I'll get to do that soon - i kinda miss the adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment i get when i finish...one wall after the other. This week has been a long one (it's not one of the hardest and the longest, there's been worse!) but it is still considered one. It started with doina saying goodbye last sunday and culminating with me completing my third paper in this "twice-a-year" pilgrimage like routine. Yuppers. exams are 3/4s the way through and with one responsibility ending, another comes snowballing around the corner. I fear both most of the time, actually all of the time.

Exams always trigger off the worst in me, without fail. It has better odds as compared to say winning 4D. I literally am in this world of my own, i space out, i snap, i crave ice-cream every single day, i get grumpy because I can't run and therefore grow fat, but I have no appetite, my heart jumps at anything and I dream weird dreams. i study like mad, but i'm always scared about ALL the things that can possibly go wrong during the exams (despite having gone through it god knows how many times). And this, is really disregarding the fact that law exams are one of the most unpredictable things in this universe. It's like those lit papers in secondary school - where you think you've done good, but it really is SHITE. yup those kind and honestly, not many people can comprehend this fact. Law school and exams are the most interesting things in the world, but it's the weirdest as well.

It did make me realise though, that it all boiled back down to this "fear" thing. Perhaps, what i fear the most, is really failing and NOT making anything out of myself (attributed alot to the fact that my school fees amount to well, almost 25K a year). I KNOW as of now, that i really want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a teacher - i don't want to history or art or anything else that everyone else might think i'm decent at. I want to be a lawyer. I want to have client files, I want to draw up contracts and I want to represent people. I want to be a lawyer, a good one...as much as my baby sister wants to become a doctor. But really, that aside..it all does go back to fear.

And it still sticks, the thing that Pastor Tim made a whole sermon of: that there is nothing to fear when you fear God. It sticks as much as New York, as a balenciaga, as a pair of manolos, as much as my dream to be the best lawyer that I can be. I mean of course all these things pale in comparison about how powerful fear can be, but it's a pretty decent comparison. I remember not being able to sleep on tuesday night before trusts, not being able to sleep and just thinking. Thinking about the exam, thinking about what I really wanted to do and just praying very hard that I won't fear all these things. Things that I've tried my best at, but still might not go according to plan (as the year has very plainly shown). Praying didn't chase all the fear away, it did however help settle my very fragile heart. I didn't wake up not being scared of taking the exam, I didn't finish the exam believing that I would pass either. All I only know was that, I prayed very hard that this feeling that I would fail would go away.

Thats why I said, I've to learn to believe.

Oh well. That said, I'm glad I got through this week sane and still in one piece - i lost coherence for about 6 hours after my trusts paper. Ask my cousin. She'll tell you.

P.s. Jay's new album is out and thanx to a very powerful friend, i am now in control of all his new songs. whee.

In times like these
In times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes
- Times Like These, Jack Johnson