Honesty

Sometimes, I really don't like being honest. Because honesty means that I'm admitting my vulnerability, it means that I've got a weakness.. and in these circumstances, honesty means that I'll probably end up disappointing half a dozen people out there who's been rooting for me and telling me to go on.

I miss him. I really do.
Every single place I am, I remember him. I remember his messages, I remember his few and far-between smiles, I remember his matter-of-fact ways and his obssession with anything remotely sweet or chocolate-ty.
In fact till today, till I made my cousin do so for me, I didn't have the courage to delete my favourite messages sent by him. Always so outta the blue, but always nice.

I'm afraid that I would forget. And I'm feeling a little lost without him around, even though my cousin has been such a fantastic job trying to occupy my nights.

It's the hardest in the night when I've got time to think. When I've got time to dream.

See that's why honesty sucks because on one hand though I know have to and I should just forget and move on, on the other, it's so, so, so, so hard.

And I won't wish him the worse either because that's not what love is. But then again, love is not suppose to be so hard either. It's supposed to be kind, sincere, patient, it's suppose to take no offence, it's suppose to forgive. It's suppose to give. Perhaps, giving me up and letting him give me up was the biggest thing I could have ever done for him.

It's really not suppose to be that hard.
And even more so, I'm suppose to be stronger than this.
I'm suppose to forget and go on like I've always done.

Maybe, it's my fault then that I fell so hard, that i trusted him, that I believed with all my heart that he'll be the last person who'll disppoint me and make me sad.

I shouldn't have believed so easily.

So tell me again - why am i stuck in this predicament one more time? why haven't I learnt?

stupid. stupid. girl.