chasing dreams.

Spent the last couple of days just thinking. Thinking about the future, thinking about a career, thinking about having a family, where i ought to be when all this ends. Just thinking. Pondering..whenever I can. You know, I finally know where I want to go and where I want to be. I know what I want to do, what I want to achieve by the time I'm 30 (which, really isn't all such a long time away). Coming to this though, was rather hard I suppose, the culmination to my ideal is like the best job in the world, which really, like Becky says, is really what every single person, who is in my position wants. Jetsetter and high flyer. Plus, secretly, the desire to settle down.

But you know, thinking these thoughts, the scary thing is getting there..as (ah..i can't remember which director just said it in the golden globes) that it's not the destination but the journey that matters, the fact that I'm trying so hard to make the journey worthwhile and end up, hopefully where I want it to go, is scary. Everyone says, that to make it in the legal field, you should aim to make at least junior partner by 30..and seriously, I want to do that. I want to be able to accomplish that. Sometimes, (now, it's becoming a rather frequent, constant thing), I get this thing, that's rather close to an epiphany, where I know, I can really succeed, against all odds to become an amazing lawyer. I feel the passion and the desire to learn, to experience, but thinking about all the shitty things that I'm going to have to be put through..scares me. Simply because, I'm not brillant. I'm normal and it's going to take alot of hard work to get me to go where I want. It's going to be a struggle - partly though..as i'm not really considered lucky. diao.

I've, you know, always been afraid to admit about materialism. But seriously, despite all attempts at self-denial, something, just something sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm living in a very materialistic world and possibly, I've been conditioned to accept materialism as a normal aspect of society. So there, I am materialistic. I don't think I really should deny the fact that doing pro-bono legal work is not one of the overwhelming reasons that I have decided to go into law. I mean I definitely, hope to be able to do alot of it one day, but then there's this other aspect of getting my car and my own apartment. Plus, supporting myself and sort of other things that would make me no longer be a burden to my parents. Yes, so apparently, i do need shit-loads of money. diao.

Thinking too much.