Argh.

Although the thing that I'm fearing can hardly be compared to Iraq (if you are one that might consider the dictatorship fearful) or the amount of fear that politics often wish to embed into the minds of the people, I have to tell you that I'm quivering in my socks - my heart palpitates and all those physiological responses that are apparently associated with my thalamus. So yes, even though my fear could arguably be said to be irrational, the mind is a powerful thing.

Let's see, I could possibly be freaking out because I tend to always do OR (as I have decided it is the reason why) this piece of information that is supposedly getting to me, albeit in another 4 days is going to be pretty much the deciding factor in how life is going to be for the next couple of years. I honestly hate it, hate it sometimes that to think if perhaps I was a bit more brilliant, or I could feel my brain thinking abit more (apparently, people can see me thinking, but I'm always pondering over the wrong stuff..ANYWAY!), i might not be so jittery and anxious now.

You know, I just got over dealing with uncertainty (like whether it's time to move back home and you mean, WHAT! i've to pack my things to go home already) and now, here it is all over again. I don't suppose I would be as afraid if the economy was good and jobs weren't as scarce, but they aren't now. So whatever factors that can improve my employability would definitely be helpful. yes it would.

I would really prefer the option of not having to stay here any minute longer. I did toy with the idea say, maybe like 2 weeks ago, if opportunities are good, but then now, as of the 24 February, i toy with "that" idea no more. I don't want to be here. it's a great place, but I've had enough and I want to go home. Save for sounding like a whiny and ungrateful brat, I REALLY WANT TO GO HOME. gah.

It's hard for me to fully convey how I feel.... some may think i'm over reacting, others, well try to make me feel better by telling me that things will be ok. It'll be no problem. But you know what, I don't have a good feeling about. maybe a bit. but it cannot be considered at all, i suppose. This little hope I have in the context of the greater things.

I may look back perhaps 2 years or maybe even 6 months from now and laugh at myself, but you see, you know and I know that we don't have the benefit of hindsight, because if we did, or at least if I did, i wouldn't be in this strange and health affecting predicament now. If only I knew. I've had a nightmare every night for the last one and half weeks.

It's not a way to live i tell you. it definitely isn't.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

haiya. how?