mail order me.

I was really mopey and feeling all terrible with myself last night (but i mean, what's new right?) I've been feeling like that so often lately, it's awfully not funny any longer. I was just thinking alot last night, being 22 this year and with nothing to my name. I haven't been doing fantastic in uni and i wouldn't even consider my grades average. They're way below I reckon. I've got an arts degree - but it is JUST an arts degree in this world where having JUST an arts degree sometimes hardly's ever enough. There are alot of 22 year-olds out there who've done so much more. Look at Scarlett Johnassen. Though she's not changing the world, she is raking in the dough. and I, yes all 22 years worth of it is still relying on ol' dad to put me through school. I'm going to be kicked out of uni in 2 years, not because I want to, but because I have to. Where am I going to go, and where am I going to be? What happens at the end of all that, what i want to be and where I wanna be doesn't come true. As much as hard work maketh a man, luck does as well. I need a break. But I can't keep living my life hoping for that break. I can only put myself out and make use of every opportunity that i get so that IF i DON'T get my break, hopefully no one will call me loser and a good-for-nothing. It's so hard thinking about the future you know. Because where I want to be in 10 years, might not be where I'm going to be in 10 years.

At the moment, I think there are too many expectations of me, not from school because school has never been anything but my goals and aspirations (yes mum and dad are not those kinda people!), but everything and everywhere else. Sometimes, it's so easy to just think about what-ifs. What if i wasn't here any longer. What if i just disappeared for a while. Eloped on my own - away from it all. What-if my life was one of those charmed ones that every thing fell perfectly. There would only be obligations when you want there to be. There'll only be responsibilities when you want there to be. There would be nothing of all that implicit and implied nonsense. and sometimes i do wish i was more perfect.

That said. I guess when everything else crumbles around me. like yesterday. like today. like most of the time. I am thankful for those who love me and never fails to send their support. I'm sure not everyone else gets parcel in the mail with dark chocolate goodies or a mail order boyfriend - to take away the gloominess of the day. Not everyone would have a card in the mail reprimanding you about not meeting up, but would still offer that hug. Not everyone who have friends who calls after reading your blog or share your joy that you've got a new house that you're moving into. Not everyone has friends who accedes to your whims and fancies to go for steak, to help you ship stuff from the US, who sends you postcards whereever they are, who calls just to chat, who would go for KTV even if they've just gone last night. Really. I think at times without all these people, without those shout-outs, without those calls. I would have vanished a long time ago.

it's sad though. to be so dependent so much.

5.30pm after kaya making.

meh. A thought just struck me. just because someone spends alot of time cleaning the house, it does not necessary translate into that person being very free and having alot of time.meh. seriously. just a thought.