To have to be reminded.

Somehow i always end up dealing with these things. I fear. I fear opening my mail box these days. yet at the same time i always look forward to it, because I cannot wait for Charlie's parcel to come in the mail. But more often than not, the fear overpowers me and i just stand there and am really scared to recieve a call or a letter from the real estate agents about the outcome of the sale, about the outcome of whether I have to move or not. I mean the fear is probably irrational because after all, just move right? Just pack your things and move. But then it is truely not that simple. It's much more than just pack up and move. I think one days i'm just going to be so tired and fed-up with everything that i'll just runaway. I'll only take what i can in three suitcases and throw everything else. My books. My music and my cactus and the bamboo plant and it doesn't matter that i'll be depressed and sad because, I've been so depressed and sad anyway.

I've been trying to be positive and think positively. I've been trying to constantly remember that there is someone greater, I've been trying to be strong, but it's just so incomprehensible just when you think that things are finally looking up, things come crashing back down. It's like i'm a huge joke. I'm the butt of a huge joke - She'll be happy now and then now we shall take all the happy things away from her, then we'll laugh when she cries and just crumbles. yah i think i'm just the butt of a huge huge joke. And i don't know how i can take it much longer. I don't really know how strong i can continue to be. It may seem dependent and all, but it'll be great to have someone to hold on to. Even if just for a little while. Someone who would know how to deal with things like that. Someone who would whack me and say, "yans, hey wake up. it's ok. it's really ok and i've got everything in control for you."

truely, this is one of those times. money IS everything. money could make the prospect of having to deal with moving go away. it would make EVERYTHING go away.

"How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Chorus:
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight."
- Take my life. third day

at the moment. i don't know anything except for writing my essay.