Not here, not there. just well - i don't really know.

One's Hongkong. One's New York. Surely something in my life must be great and successful right? Surely I can get somewhere through my own sheer hard work and talent (even if it has been given to me in a really small portion). Because, really...I don't really want to spend my life repaying favours. Imagine:

Scenario 1:So and so and so did this for you at that time, therefore you must do this to thank them.

or even better..

Scenario 2: Because I did this for you when you were in school, you jolly well better do this for me now because I can take all this away RIGHT NOW.

I've seen enough to know deep down that to be subject to another's whims and fancies isn't the way i want to live my life. It isn't the way I want to be successful. I don't want to owe anybody anything. Not ever. No way. Even if I did owe anyone anything for getting to where I imagine myself to be. it would just be to mom and dad. I'm not like mean or anything...it's just that it's one of the only ways to keep the na-na poks out. rawr.

So no word from dear old Hongkong yet. Time to make alternative plans. Pray harder. Work harder and lean on that hope that someone will overlook how mediocre my grades are and give me an opportunity to prove how good I can be.

and trust me, this feeling sucks. all this "wait and see" things. all this "i-don't-know-where-i'm-going-to-be" things. it is one of the most fucked up feelings in the world. I'm almost practically friendless having had no time to think about things, how to give proper replies to people whom I truly care about because there's just no time to do everything. I hate that I have to choose between the things I love to do. I hate that I have to choose between the people I love and sleep as well. This life that I'm living..it's very strange and convulated at the moment.

But, ironically there's no time to think about it exams are three weeks away and i'm barely sleeping enough. school's taking my brains with my money.

I pray that tomorrow would be better - at least my cousin and Sarah's providing great after school stress release distractions and George told Izzy, " I love you too". (Waited three bloooody seasons for that line). Plus there's good books for long train rides. So alls not lost.

I wonder what it's like to be a super hero
I wonder where I'd go if I could fly around downtown
From some other planet, I get this funky high on yellow sun
- Real World, Matchbox Twenty

Anyhow, NY is on the cards as the GRAD TRIP. I'm going and I will get there.