Semester 1 Year 4 over.

The exams are ended. Today. And though I often wish that the feeling of joy and relief that I tend to expect would be ten times greater than what I'm currently feeling, it's a good thing to actually be able to verbalise how thankful I am that this ordeal is finally over. O-V-E-R It was my first straight law semester and it was an experience.

There was all that reading, all those hours at the library, all the endless hours spent bickering and almost biting our own heads off (but we still like "this"!), all the almonds and milk biscuits, ALL THAT INSANE AMOUNT OF POST-ITS (tab this, tab that, mark this, mark that), the ES-TELER days (where rach has now, officially a middle name! hee.), there were tea days, rainy days, impromptu-let's-go-watch-a-movie-squirm-in-our-seats-days. It was good though and I thank you, rose, rach and chloe for the company. :)

I appreciate the wake-ups calls (daddy, andrew) and coffee deliveries (couz, andrew,chloe). I appreciate for understanding that i need to rant, even if it's just for 20 mins (Jams, Rose) and for understanding that I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MY CAFFEINE FIX AT NOON :). Also, for understanding that in these last two weeks, banana bread and coffee couldn't have been like it used to be, because i was always off somewhere else in spirit (barb) - but yet, never forgetting to drag me out so that I would maintain a degree of sanity (Barb, Sarah, Zorro)

So once again, without all the support, there was NO WAY, absolutely no way at all that I would have got through this, in one, coherent BUT sometimes still babbling, form of a person. So now, that all this is over and after all that jazz and drama, I'm still here alone, without anyone. Therefore, I'm going to swaddle myself in blankets with a warm mug of instant coffee (because obviously gloria jeans doesn't deliver to my house.darn it) and watch tv (please please let me get sex in the city on dvd), and if not, i'm going to let my brain fly off to some faraway place, on days where I'm not gymming.

Bliss. Now my brain, just flew to timbuktu.

my sucky life.

today is the day where i moan and where i just "walk away". Where i want to hide under enough my covers and never wake up. The stress is an overkill, not so much fun anymore. Today. I want to rant about my life. How uncertain it is. How sucky it is. How i hate and totally dislike the fact that the next few years of life is filled with alot of ambiguity. today. I really hate myself. I hate the very core of my existence. and it's these days that i wonder why i'm here. it's all fucked up. so it's me, here, fighting this battle against the world.

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always say
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I'm gonna prove them wrong
It's me against the world
Me against the world
- me against the world, simple plan.

now great. i think my brain just flew away for a holiday.

Caving in.

I have a new hobby. A definitely damaging, potentionally addictive, potentially expensive hobby. And this, is on top of my list already expensive hobbies that are of no way beneficial to my being except that it gives me a rather great degree of temporary satisfaction.

I have terrible ways of dealing with stress.

So be my somebody tonight,
Be the one who'll hold me tight,
Honey, please, please,
Cuz I've been so all alone,
And no one will pick up the phone,
So honey, please stay.
- Be my somebody, norah jones

I'm sorry for not calling, those i'm supposed to call. (Luopo. I will call you soon. Jams too, maybe the night before my paper or something.ha.> I'm sorry for not writing Mon. I'll email you soon. Just been over my head every other alternate day these days. too many things. too many thoughts. and not enough sleep. plus, i feel sick when i go to the gym. Something's up, but i have no idea what yet.

you know. just so you know.

One down. Three to go. Constitutional law is over. I didn't sleep through two mobile phone alarms, my blaring Hi-Fi alarm and my dad calling to say, WAKE UP! so yes. I'm here preparing for Lawyers' Ethics. And this week would be over tomorrow evening, where I possibly would allow myself one night of rest and then it's back to equity.

I had to work VERY hard to get HIM out of my head. So darn hard. And I won't think anymore.

"There’s always too much talking
And I wanna just keep walking
But I keep staring baby
Keep staring
Though I may not know the right things to say
I’ll get it out to you one day"
- Shy that Way, Tristan Prettyman

So one day, I know it might all work out. All. Hopefully though it'll when i'm still as amazed, enthralled and taken.

When it's time.

When it's time to stand up and understand
When it's time to speak the truth
When it's time to fight for what you believe in
When it's time to tell me what you want
When it's time to show who you really are
I hope you wouldn't disappoint.
Especially for whom, I always have and still am thinking you are.

Because this believe, this faith, comes not just from the belief that I have, BUT also, from this other greater power.

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
-Faithful, Brooke Fraser

and this, i believe in more ways than one.

I just don't want to have expectations. But i already do.

expectations.

see it's these things with expectations that I don't like. I don't like how you fall sooo much harder when there are expectations, I think expectations are BAD BAD horrible things. I've been having a rather pleasurable lead up to my exams. It might come across as too relaxing to some, I though beg to differ. I think I'm feeling the pressure, but I'm taking it in my stride. That said, I'm getting a headache just typing this. Back to LES. diao.

"Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do"
- Sitting, waiting, wishing, Jack Johnson

But then of course, I remember....

"Cause maybe there is another plan,
One I still can't see
A little surprise like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see."
- Everything in its time, Corrinne May

beautiful songs.

Today has been a rather tumultuous day. Things weren't good for my heart, news were not too good for the soul either. It was just one of those days. I'm not sure I"m glad it's over (today that is.) because things did become better. A very sudden change of events. Babe, I really do enjoy talking to you on those car rides home. Especially when we're both not overly edgy. hee. hee. So thanx for this song. It's beautiful. It made me happy.

Everything

Michael Buble

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play you're coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

post it la.

This examination period has been characterised by alot of hours at the state library, alot of time squabbling with rose over very little little details (it's not the kind argue already, then hate each other for life kind of quarrel la.) and ALOT of post its. ha. We love post its. There's yellow post its and white ones too. Even really small ones. They're all over the place, on my waterbottle, on my notebooks, we even used them to "chope" seats. Darn fun la. One day, I will take a photo of them all.

Coffee with milk and honey.

One of my life's greatest indulgences. Not justified. But very comforting and very sweet. :) It was good talking to YOU last night. just because I haven't had a decent conversation with you in a long time. With that in mind, onwards i go towards that 80% average WHICH i know i will get.

I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe
- Free, Corrine May

gym junkie.

I feel so good now. So darn good. My cold sore feels better (just aggravated it with chilli though). My knees hurt, the good kinda pain. I'm on a endorphin high. Adrenaline and Cortisol levels are elevated which is great because now i feel like I can save the world (although immunity levels have been lowered). ha. Oh do i absolutely love a good, hard gym session. Work me harder, make me run harder and i'll be happy. So now, i don't feel that my world is going to collapse on. It feels like theres a chance.
I love consti.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

just those.

I can't wait for that. Yes. that. OCEANS 13. Hotness X 3. It's going to be so worth the money, even it's to simply spend all that time ogling. hee. hee. I mean it is MATT damon, GEORGE clooney and BRAD pitt. faint.

Anyway, I know what I'm going to do for the two weeks before Jamie and Jasmine comes. Ha. I'm going to be holed up at home, swaddled in blankets and hopefully, pray that by that time Gloria Jeans will deliver, AND i will burn a hole in my DVD player watching all 7 seasons of Sex in the City. So that, you know, at least I'll have a clue what Rach, Rose and Sher are talking about. ah. I can't wait.

even more so.

I think with me, it's worrying that there are NOW expectations. Expectations from me, not of this HIM that i've been constantly speaking about, but another HIM that was until not very long ago, was a rather constant feature in my life - till, yeah well, till i switched allegiances. How warped my world is. Even more warped though is my weaknesses on expectations, expectations based on what perhaps, could simply be mere representations of what MIGHT happen.

"Sudden start
Things are slow
You're watching all these speeding cars
Moving like you wish you could
But oh, it's too bad
Cos they drove away your happiness and good times

But I'm gonna get you into the light
And I'm gonna find a way that is right
And I'm gonna get you into the light
And make it okay

Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go
away"
- Sad eyes, Josh Rouse.

no TAYLOR for me today. :(

The world's still the same, there's just less of us in it.
- Captain Jack Sparrow

I haven't yet figured out why what he said struck up such emotions in me. Are we all losing ourselves to things that don't really matter - those immaterial things that one would lose when its the end? I don't know. When I've figured that out though, I will tell you all about it. Anyhow, despite that (thought provoking quote from movie + no Mr. Taylor), despite not being able to get work done AT ALL today (i'm currently feeling rather guilty), it's been a pretty great day. perfect. For one thing, the weather was beautiful. It was cold yes, but the sun was out. The sky was blue, a very nice sky blue. The blue that you can only imagine. It was gorgeous.

It was a day of meet-ups (RHEA!). and Othello. Othello was awesome, the characters were engaging and BELL SHAKESPEARE company made the language easy to understand. I though, now have another book that I HAVE to read from beginning to end. Othello by William Shakespeare. I have no regrets watching that play. :)

Then, Barb had to show us the place where her 21st was going to be held..and the place was beautiful. Cozy, chic and pretty. They made awesome, awesome lychee martinis too. My first in a long long time:)

And I'm really glad why today was a good day is because, i got a cold sore AGAIN. exact some time last year, I had one. Except this time, I was cool and calm and I knew that a cold sore was on its way. It's a pretty irritating thing to have because it kinda swells and it's like an ulcer, just bubbly and gross, itchy and painful. poo. Apparently, cold sores "happen" because you're stressed, it's winter and as a consequence of all those things, your immune system is really low (exercise makes it worse. :|) and your body reacts by giving you a cold sore (and all three factors are circumstantially present at the moment) ha. So I have now alongside my copious amounts of other herbal supplements, zince tablets and this other chinese herbal supplement to boost my immune system so that I would be stronger, not so tired and my cold sore would go away and disappear forever. That said, I kinda know what my cold sore wants. seriously it wants ice-cream. ha. ice-cream is numbing.

Anyhow, my silly little life reported..i am going to go back to being friends with mr. taylor. more work. it's not painful though because I'm beginning to really enjoy Constit:).

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven’t spoke in weeks
So many things that I’d like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?
Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you’re listening
- Show me, John Legend

An excess.

Today. I've overeaten. I ate too much. Again. Too too much. Makes all this gymming go to waste. But gym is good. it's good for the heart and the soul. (BUT it's bad for the knees.) It's all good food today though. I've spolit myself silly today. I think I'm doing too many things in excess these days - it's strangely though, keeping me sane. Very sane. On the brink of insanity but still sane because I do, and I have, too many things in excess. Can't decide whether it's a good or bad thing. Been doing alot of things at a whim. Like like then do, don't like then don't do.

I will never know you never show. Come on and love me now, come on and love me now...
- Carnival, The Cardigans

Thank you Rose, for the company and for the laughter, for those sooo perfect lyrics and of course, for driving me crazy (sometimes only la, can?!) ha..