when everything fades away.

Kelly Clarkson is MORE than anything I've ever imagined her to be. I haven't had such a thrill since watching John Mayer the very first time.

The new modern equivalent of playing in mud + getting down and dirty is paintball. Gun tottering, overalls, masks and paint pellets-typish paintball. Where you get smelly and oily from the smell of pellets being shot at you from all directions. Bruises from the after effects and a Mexican Standoff with the remainding. Thrill of a lifetime.

Way better than that is standing in the cold trying to get a cab, then falling on your face running after a silly train because your Converses will skid across a paved road, afterwich ending up with more scratches than paintball + taking a tram all the way home.

Then I end such a day with maggi noodles, snuggled on the couch with gilmore in the dvd player, cringing with each move i make and barely being able to walk from the half marathon, from the brusies of paintball and a whole host of other things that have been weighing down on my mind.

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
- Sober, Kelly Clarkson

and because I've become such a groupie and the fact that next year is my last year is HITTING home such that I'm paying quite a price to watch JT from a not great seat coz' i might never get to see him again. Especially since it seems that home is on the cards.

necessity.

I know that there's a reason for everything.

I also know that things happen for a reason.

But it's at these times I wished that the day had 26 hours instead of just 24.

My cousin says i'm a solar panel.

Having come back to Melbourne after a whole crazy one and half weeks of absolute fun, I think it's not strange how quickly reality catches up with you. I cannot possibly imagine the amount of work that I've got to do, the list of things that I have to do in my head is rather fuzzy - perhaps because I'm still trying to run from reality. ha. I"m always escaping. Running away, and maybe this is why I like running so much.

I'm just wondering now though if, I can actually be great at anything. I'm probably half good at heaps of things but I wonder if I actually be GREAT at some things. I feel so half-baked at times, trying try try try but to no avail. I'm starting to believe that trying only makes up that 80% coz' there's the 20% of talent which I seem to lack in every single area.

I do make myself feel so inadequate at times.

I think I do actually NEED and WANT Hongkong very badly. I need to do something positive that would contribute to my dream. I have to know that I'm going somewhere - otherwise.

I’m on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I've been stumbling in the dark
Living in a crash world
- Crash World, Hillary Duff

apparently.

I've strangely hardly had anytime to really SIT DOWN and chill since getting to Sydney, or rather even before getting Sydney. But i'm not complaining because what i've been getting is heaps of quality time with lots of different people, for lots of different causes. These few pictures wouldn't justify the insane time this last few days have been. I've had such a good time that I'm upset that it's passing by so quickly. Literally slipping through my fingers. Those that I have pictures of at least I can look back and reminicse but those I don't (which have been plenty coz' i keep forgetting to plug my camera battery into the power point to charge), i can only hold really close to my heart and pray that I would truly never forgot.

Anyhoos, the whole adventure begin with gloria coming down and there's a whole host of pictures with her and which till i get, I won't be able to post any up. Then of course, on tuesday the day before leaving for Sydney, Melbourne had amazing gorgeous weather to kickstart CLOSE THE GAP day. The day started awfully early because we had flyering duty (but being the complete pig that i was and because I was completely lack of sleep, we were an hour late BUT having been fed coffee, i was quite happy to be flyering with my cousin and Sarah. Then of course, having not have had sun for quite many days, swings and sunshine was very much welcomed and embraced:)

Swings - Sarah and I.

My very happy cousin, sitting in the sun and watching her two housemates becoming totally insane.

Swings - Cousin and Sarah.

Then having work rather hard (ahrm.) for the whole morning (hello 9am can?!), there was the festival. Glorious sun. Beautiful music and just completely chilling at Fed Square. I wish life was like that everyday. The only picture I have of that time and perhaps, the only one which I really bothered to take is this one....

Fed Squaring - Alex and Cousin.

Then having finished all of that, it was time for a nice great walk behind Carlton Gardens with an even greater, bigger swing. OOH. I really do love bright, sunny glorious days. Tennis with glowy and derrick followed after. :)

So of course, Wednesday came and it was time to go to Sydney to meet Shan. I haven't seen her for quite a long while. And it hasn't been disappointing at all. Old friends, new experiences to add to our wealth of experiences. There are heaps more photographs BUT because silly me brought everything besides her card reader...I leave you with photos of chocolate. lots and lots of chocolate. yum. we've been training. we've been walking. eating. drinking alcohol and just, having a very very great time:)

Lindt chocolate cafe - pralines don't come in boxes. God sent me a piece of heaven.

De-gus-tat-ion plate. A little of everything makes me a very very happy girl:).

SHAN! - i didn't take me coz' the picture of me was really fat and ugly.

If ever a boy could stand on the moon
What would that boy do
Would he swing from the stars
Skip stones past Jupiter and Mars
If he could stand on the moon

If he could tell the world his dreams
No matter how far out they seem
Think of the people he could change
And the minds he'd rearrange
If he could tell the world his dreams

If a boy could make is father proud
He'd live his life upon a cloud
It would be easier then
If he could please the man of man
If he could make his father proud

But for now he's grounded, waiting for some inspiration
Thinking of a way to make his dreams come true
Ever changing ever lasting world is spinning ever faster
But he knows to hold on tight
- If a Boy, Eric Hutchinson

I have now at this point acquired a whole new alcohol collection to make up for the ones that have been lost to my alcoholic ways. Boy, has Australia spolit me. yum de dums.

T - 1 day to Sydney Harbour Bridge Half Marathon. Dying to do it. Dying to run this off. Dying to shake off all the stuff in my head. Can't wait to forget all my thoughts and just hear the music and the pounding of my feet. Life is much more blissful when there's running to take you through it.

and and and....

he's back. yay.

fantastic week - thus far.

It's been an insane insane week. BUT, i can't not ever be more thankful. tired as i am. crazy crazy snowpatrol gig which left me craving more (wonder where they've been hiding or rather where my music alter ego has been for so long.). mad party-ing (in our own way) with glowy, joel and derrick (glowy's always brings GREAT joy when she comes:)). climbing walls. Living on adrenaline. talking about boys. making lame jokes. amazing sunday services. great company. close the gap day. NB. tennis. arashi dancing sessions. Good morning Baltimore singing ones. and most of all, glorious, glorious sunshine.

it truly has been nothing SHORT of a wicked weekend.

That said, i'm off to another fantastic place - sydney and will be back next tuesday (although there's part of me that's secretly afraid that all this good things would disappear when i leave them).

so toodles. I'm off to run a half marathon!

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

my life as a soap opera.

Look at me. or rather, look at me in my picture. I'm pretty much a very average girl. Average looks, average way of thinking (although I tend to surprise myself sometimes), average life and from the wider perspective, I'm pretty much just a speck in the midst of many many many people. Sometimes I try too hard because I want to get noticed, other times I try even harder because I don't want to fail, most times I try the hardest because i personally NEED to know that I can do and accomplish things that average people are often are considered not able to.

Unlike most average people though, I get angry very easily particularly when people aren't doing their jobs and being especially incompetent. I get upset easily too. I become wacky after a 5km run and chocolate milk. I tend to be fascinated with people easily, most times it's because it's hard for me to swallow the mystery pill.

But you know, my boring life might make a soap opera because I'm always in positions where I'm conflicted. You know those soap operas where the viewers go, "There she goes again, she should have known."

(if only there were rules and regulations about how to live life and deal with conflicts)

.

No, I'm not talking about the "not-happy-go-outside-and-settle" kind of conflicts, i'm talking about internal conflicts. Conflicts that often consume my thoughts. At times, it might even bring out the worse in me. I think about it so much that often I might dream about it (my dreams reflect my thoughts in the day and it's been happening all too frequently lately). Conflicts that make me talk to myself to drive out those inner demons

(imagine your devil and your angel sitting on your shoulder whispering).

Conflicts that make me distance myself away from people because if I'm around them too much - too many things show. And it's always at these times that I wished that I was so much better - like those perfect people you truly loathe but hold in awe at the same time.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
- Fix You, Coldplay.

Run Forest Run.

Already in my gazillonth break since I've woken up, I should really be getting down and dirty with my construction law assignment, but gah....there are just simply too many distractions. It's strange how the littlest things became great distractions even when they're things you don't usually do. And no, my house is not in chaos, in fact, i've been blessed with complete serenity. No noise - just absolute silence, it's been me and music except for when my cousin came home bearing a good deal of a gift...COFFEE. life would be horrible and unbearable without it.

I suppose it doesn't really help that my cousin and Sarah are practically on holiday already (bloooody Monash, they cannot even grant us a decent two week holiday), so the holiday mood is in the air. Haiyah. But they've been really nice to me - I've been getting good goood food that I never thought could actually come of my kitchen, coffee delivery [no words can express my gratitude! COFFEE:)], wake up calls (of which most of the time, i just end up going back to my bed because my blankets are insanely comforting when i need to just vegetate and hide out from the rest of the world).

So that said, I'm looking forward to going to meet shan in sydney for our run. I'm crazily looking forward to it and gloria coming too, although, my schedule suddenly just became insane for the weekend. I don't know why - it just looks like it. i say sorry first luopo.:(. Running does good things to my system. Wonderful. wonderful things like how all i think about is about powergel for two hours and nothing sorta food-ish.

Before Sydney though, just thought that the melbournians who read this blog would be interested in this event that Oxfam is holding on September 18th at Federation Square. It's called National Close the Gap Day

And noooo, despite what it seems to be, it's not a rally or a protest. I wouldn't put myself in such a precarious positiong - hello future at stake here. It's all legal. It's rather carnival-ish. The event is to essentially create awareness for both the indigenous community and the Australian public. On the side of the indigenous community, its to give them a platform to speak and have their concerns heard. It is also for them to understand that there are actually health services out there catered specifically to them. The indigenous community and the rest of the Australian public can be compared to being chinese and the rest of the world - different in culture and traditions.

so do come if you can, i'll be there helping out and working with oxfam. it's just for two hours. Come by to sign the petition and learn more - There'll be music (lou bennett), plenty of time to mingle and chill out :)

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?
- Dear Mr. President, Pink.

Rock-climbing is fast becoming my new favourite sport.

and this is why I love history.

“History is no longer told by just a select few,” says Tom Scheinfeldt, assistant director of the Center for History and New Media. “In what has become a growing trend, actual eyewitnesses to earth-changing events are now able to add their reflections, through digital archiving, to the historical record. The Sept. 11 Digital Archive is a big part of this effort.”

History is not JUST history any longer. It's not confined to long endless volumes of dust-covered books, neither is it about the old, wrinkly historian with his harry-potter glasses bent over an oak bench. It's about actual records. Feelings, emotions, recounts in real time. The future is changing, but so is history.

Today, we should remember those lost on September 11, even if, it's just for the sole reason that they did so innocently, or even for those who died, trying to save the others. Or even those who died because we forget with the passing of time to do things that are important.

We really do plan to annihilate our own race huh?!

Read about the September 11 memorial in New York in the New York Times here.

With one just touch love can conquer all fears
Turning all your tears into smiles
....
Coz' i stil believe in destiny
That you and I were meant to be
I still wish on the stars as they fall from above
Coz' I still believe in love
- I still believe, Hayden Panettiere

The great thing about tennis.

I haven't had the time to read my favourite paper lately a.k.a The New York Times but having five minutes to spare whilst I finish the first round of Jay, this was the first article I decided to read after a month's hiatus from the webbie....

Federer beat Djokovic 7-6, 7-6, 6-4 to win the US Open.

haha. This would be Federer's 12th striaght title or something. Read it here.

Federer is great. He's the epitome of cool, calm and collected on the tennis court. No hint of emotion, no indications whatsoever that he's NOT in control of his nerves. He's like the exact opposite of what Hewitt is (i'm biased la, because I don't really like watching Hewitt play tennis. It's so melodramatic.) It sucks that we didn't get live telecasts of the US Open unlike with Wimbledon. BUT i (and alot of other people have figured) that it's really because all the Australians crashed out and so, being the patriotic television channels they are, they'll only bother to televise stuff when there are Australians playing. Particularly now with the rugby world cup and Australian being in the finals. It's all over tv. I though despite the fact of choosing this country to stay for the last 4 years still want New Zealand to win. They cannot screw up like last year. Just cannot. NOOOOO.

On the bright side though, at least I still get some tennis tournaments on tv without having to go through all the cable nonsense. which I secretly really want. haiyah.

Anyhoo. I think Djokovic is the "next big thing". muahha. He plays a mean game of tennis and he's only twenty. The fact that he's cute - super duper bonus too. He's always giving the more experienced players on tour a run for their titlemoney. Happened in Wimbledon too. It'll be exciting to next see him play. I do miss tennis alot already.

That said, I got jay back. jay's here on my stereo. wo xi huan. I would have a very great birthday if I could watch jay in concert. *hint. ha.

.......

There's hardly been anything to write. At least I feel that it is so. All the fun that I've had is undescribable as
1. I'm so tired at the moment
2. I can't believe that my weekend is over.
3. I had so much fun, it wouldn't justice if I wrote it down
4. You can hardly describe how rock climbing feels unless you've tried it yourself!

BUT as Mr. Mayer sings:

"Maybe I'll tell you all about it when I'm in the mood way to lose my way with words..."

I have bought climbing gear though and now, i'm all psyched to go climbing :) It's wonderful to be able to learn to trust. It's a good way to amazing arms too. ha.

Going to church has been good thus far. It's only been two weeks but yet, it has already addressed alot of issues. In all honesty, I have been caught up with Hongkong. So very caught up. I've been drawn into my dream. Failure is a very very scary thing for me. Not being to go where I want, not being to achieve what I want to is a scary, insane thought. I fear failing. I fear falling. But then perhaps, I should focus not on my dream but rather on the bigger picture. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to give it all up and stop working towards it, but rather I should trust that there is someone greater in control of my life. Failure or pain is not MY GOD trying to teach me a lesson, failure and pain is what us as humans do to each other.

You do know that something is big, when two people talk to you about it in the same week, especially within days of each encounter. I need to start learning to trust again. I need to start learning to be happy. I need to start living. I need to start doing alot of things in this whole time that I've been transiting. There are no excuses.

Heaven is where the things I want aren't.

Potatoes cooked in gravy are no longer brown ONLY on the outside.

Presenting the King of all Potatoes/Bananas and anything else alike. I like. hee.

p.s: and i really can't be bothered with the fact that HE might potentially be gay??? the thing with cute boys - ogle fest. ha.

Kinda does look a little like Wu Chun.

damn unpretty.

Don't really like this achy feeling in my calves - feels like there's shit loads of lactic acid circulating in there making my legs feel like their darn heavy. Doesn't help that the lastest Body Attack release is the hardest so far (I think it is anyway!), it's the longest though - in a really long time. I'm feeling utterly whiny today too, so excuse this post.

The weather's been crap, I'm exhausted can barely keep my eyes open - i just really want to sleep for a day and not wake up. It's hard though with all the assignments baring down upon me. But it's good though that there's a little voice at the back of my head going, "when i look to the hills, where does my help come from? It comes from the maker of heaven and earth". It's been a long time but strangely, it's good knowing that besides all the good karma that my cousin and I have been trying to accumulate, there's something bigger than the crap that I'm feeling at the moment.

I don't feel like a very nice person at the moment, neither do i feel very pretty either. I have an inkling it's the hormones. Shit, it's better i get back on vitex.

Anyhow, onto other things, i really still want THAT bag. yuppers. I still do. I would beg and borrow just so that I can get it. please please please. I won't buy another bag for half a year. I've tried every possible thing to keep it out of my head, but i just can't. haiyah.

I want too many things.

I feel so damn unpretty,
I'll never be the girl posing in your fashion magazine
My skin's broken out, I'm only a size 3
I feel so damn unpretty.
- Unpretty, Anti-Hero

silly weekend.

ha. that photo's long overdue. From my first attempt at rockclimbing. I was hanging at that same spot for an awfully long time - swearing at this stupid yellow rock that didn't have any grip and I was really wondering what it was there for. The poor dude who was belaying me had to suffer as well, i.e. William coz' i tend to shout alot at alot of things, inanimate objects included when I'm stressed and hanging onto to the wall for my dear life because I don't like that 50 cm drop. It's like things are out of control and you're just falling. well, yes that feeling.

In any case, I can hardly believe that the weekend is over AGAIN. days pass too quickly these days. Too hard for me to comprehend sometimes. I just look forward to sleep every single night (especially more so now that I'm still nursing this cough and this recurring headache that I have). I went to church today and though some things hardly have changed, it was good that there was no expectations. There was no full-on preaching and it was hard not to really enjoy being where I was. Up early on a sunday morning ( i usually sleep till 6) and the bright, beautiful weather was a definite plus. Then I went for a walk with my cousin, Sarah and we stopped by KOKO BLACK to satisfy those cravings and we had a steamboat dinner, watching idol on the floor of the living room. First. ha.

waiting for a train to catch
waiting for the perfect match
waiting for someone to make a call
if only you had to make a change
every day and every night
as every hour goes

Today, tonight
tomorrow, the next night
too long too late
till then I'll wait
- Today, tonight. Dishwalla

it's going to be a cold cold day.

Of crushing a coke can and korean food.

I went rockcimbing today!! ok not the the brown rock kind, but the harness, shoes, carabina and belaying kind. It was tremendously fun - crazy adrenaline rush that seemed to have chased my cold and sore throat away, or it could really just be the meds that I'm on, whatever it is though, it's half gone. No use for doctors when there's rock climbing.

I want to go somemore - but see, you must have someone patient who will partner a screaming, crazing afraid of sitting on her harness, you

.

thanx couz, and william (who I shouted at alot!) hee hee.