steeped in exhaustion.

Yesterday. ooh yesterday. I'm so thankful that I survived yesterday. It feels GREAT to be alive considering that yesterday, I could have been killed crossing the road, getting hit by a tram or something in my state of exhaustion. By then of course i got good news and bad news. Good news - i'm moving house. to this fantastic new place - at least my cousin and I hope that it's the right one heh. Coz' we sent in soooo many applications. That said. yay. It's big enough to throw a party so, who ever wants to visit can now stay at my place:) Bad news. I didn't get Freshfields. Told you about being lucky.

the one month.

It's been a month already. 4 whole weeks in melbourne. feels like forever though. already, I'm being weighed down by a sack of potatoes. Although, i reckon they must be a really rotten sack of potatoes especially since i"m feeling like the crappiest person alive at the moment. How in the world am I going to get through another so many more weeks of school. I could sleep forever already. Simply forever. Just lie in my bed and not get up for like 3 days. Sleep. ZZZ.

aussie loving.

Suppose, if I ever, ever start claiming again that I have no friends in Melbourne (ok, this is different from saying that the number of friends I have can count with my fingers), i give you guys the power to slap me, not let me buy coffee or anything along those lines that would make me cry and beg to pardon me ok? heh.

Meet Barbara and Sarah. I get so much flake from them when I say I don't wanna eat, that it's seriously not funny. I think it's because of both of them, I've been to so many more gigs, especially with fantastic australian bands. I don't have breakfast by myself, lonely all the time. I get to be with people that I enjoy being with. And they, they are seriously nice. Nice people. Except for the fact that Barb makes fun of ALL international students and she drinks more caffeine than I do, Sarah on the other hand eats more candy that I do. But I still them muchos.

And the best thing about it..they go to uni with me:)

Some kind of luck.

Mum vehemently declares that I'm not a lucky person. I think that whether you do believe in luck or not, it's hard to ignore that 10% minimum of life that luck makes up. Seriously. Honestly, I think I've won like one lucky draw in my whole entire life - it was for a CD though, which was pretty good. But I wished sometimes that money would come my way, or even an ipod for that matter. That said though, there are more pressing things of which I really would like at the moment, a summer internship in Hongkong. Statistically speaking, (and as verified by Rose, who claims she's not that lucky herself), the greater the number of firms that you apply to, the higher the chance that you would be accepted by one, even if small. That said. I've sent applications to three different firms - Freshfields (interviewed), Johnston Stokes & Master and Deacons. These firms are huge because their international, but also very difficult to get in. I've got 2 more applications to send out over Easter and some of the others, they're only going to accept applications at a much later date. For the rest, I've sent emails enquiring as to the status of their vacation programmes. I've got two very gracious replies so far and their American based firms.

I mean yes, this desire to have a Hongkong summer placement is borne out of two things. First, one of those aspirations is to be based in Hongkong when I graduate. Second, what a once in a lifetime experience. That is why I'm just applying to those firms with international offices first. I mean I think it'll be different working for a Hongkong law firm as opposed to a firm that has an office in Hongkong. i think not only would work ethics be different, but I suppose culture would be as well.

Yes, I do want it that badly.

I'm all for law and having such an experience would be a validation. Haiyoh. someone help can?

Blackout.

Last night, was of on the most depressing, yet most hilarious night of my life. BLACKOUT. ah ha. No one knows why also, but almost everything on Swanston Street from Melbourne Central to IH went without electricity for 3 hours last night. I was so depressed from PMS that seriously, when it happened, it couldn't have been any funnier. Hee hee hee. I mean even Rydges had no electricity, couldn't imagine what the brothels next to my house would have been light (but then again, they don't need electricity for business in the first. eeks.) that said. I'm so glad that I spent that much money on candles. I was going on candle light last night. Music was from my CD player which was ran on batteries. The night was quiet, peacefully quiet and I was just surrounded by flickering lights. It was so so so beautifully serene:) Pictures:)

You just don't get.

Don't we all get strange thoughts in our heads? I just did just now. I was just thinking about stuff - i'm in my mood. It's PMS as evidenced by my incessant hunger (i had like a whole tray of sushi, pie and a bowl of rice + beef for the day!) and my huge, humongous craving for chocolate, yes of course not forgetting that. The huge craving for my chocolate and my inability to have any energy for gym. I'm bloated, got swollen ankles. Shucks. I hate this time of the month like hell. I'm so exhausted, hardly feels like i get can any work done. I feel lonely. Therefore, this is a warning to everyone - keep away, keep away. I'm cranky like hell and I'm eating like a hippotamus, people who are rude to me would make me scream at them, regardless of whom or what they are. The irony ain't it...I'm lonely and feeling like i'm stuck in a SHITHOLE, the rain doesn't make things any better, copious amount of work doesn't either, neither does my insatiable appetite. I want chocolate. Like a shit load of chocolate. Just well, just..there's no one to share it with at the moment. Till Rose comes back at least, or some other person who doesn't feel the way i do - crap. Who doesn't have work to do, or assignments to hand up. Why do I simply think that person would only exist in my dreams at this point of time - faraway, faraway. Haiyah. I think I'm being melodramatic. If only there were miracle drugs to drive all this crap away. Drugs.

Anyhow, back to the stuff that I was thinking about. (just a thought - i'm feeling so carbo-y now i want to throw up) You know, I love my parents alot. Like muchos, muchos. But then sometimes I dont get them. i don't get what they're thinking. I don't get how like doing something for someone, i don't know. Where honestly, it's not like being in Singapore. It's like a gazillon miles away, without a car and what like an hour and a half by train. And there's a need to pass through dodgy areas to. When seriously, it could just be coming one way to get someone or do something by CAR and save the trouble of everything. WHich of course is the point i don't get. People don't believe me. Maybe because, I'm often over dramatic and perhaps, I might exaggerate things at times. I mean, i don't do it all the time. But sometimes. In any case. Haiyah. I don't know.

and you would think it gets easier.

Yah. It doesn't. Hell no. No way. It doesn't get easier. You think after 3 years of doing this alone thing you get used to it. Nah, don't believe what other people say...it doesn't. Trust me, it just makes things harder because you keep comparing and wishing for company. Not just any company, but people who well are fantastic company. That said, how can i complain when I've got a friend who enjoys the same stuff as I do. Those things that Rose is eating below. Trust me, it's almost heaven. It's like...PHWOAR. jealous?

i hate technology. at this point in time i hate alot of things.

Ok mum, sis and grandma's coming to visit. I should be estatic and happy right? In truth, i am. I seriously am. I mean how can i not be right? I'm going to have good food for so many days and i don't even have to fork out a single cent. waha. of course i'm happy la. Like for once, it'll be on the pretext that i'm home. diao. don't need to pay for anything. Shopping also. nothing by me. Everything by them.

But then seriously right. just seriously. I so hate technology now. Grr. I hate chinese people also. Ok, maybe not all chinese people BUT like those who pretend to be helpful, but aren't really all that helpful. stupid. darn irritating. There's this thing about trying to book hotels online. Especially when the system is down, when you're trying to get rooms over easter weekend, when the rates are cheaper online, when, when it's 2.30 in the morning and you call the reservations department and you get some silly chinese guy, who can't understand a single thing that you're saying..even though you're enounciating and speaking so slowly that you feel like you're talking to a kid. diao. plus, he's not even helpful, like he doesn't want to be there. But seriously, i mean did he really think i wanted to call at 2.00am in the morning asking about hotel rooms?! dare he even to think that i was crazy. After all that crap and nonsense, there better not be double amounts charge to the cards, the place, that darn place had better live up to the pictures, otherwise i'm sure as hell going to kick up a fuss la.

damn it.. seriously. darn it.

then of course, there was this thing about monash's email link from the mymonash site being down the whole entire day, that really just ruined practically about everything. I mean. HOW?! like how can it be possibly down between the same times two days in a row. What in the world are they using the money that dreaded international students pay for? i mean. seriously. and now i cannot sleep, because there's no one to talk. everything's mucked up and i'm dreadfully angry.

Where has time gone?

Finally, the day has come and the interview, well the interview has come and gone. I don't know. I got a bad feeling in my gut that I really don't want to deal with. I don't like that kinda gut feeling anyhow. I suppose life goes on. Life does move on whether we like it or not. I can only be thankful for such an opportunity, Freshfields is one of the biggest firms in the world. I suppose on one front having fantastic grades might have placed me a better position? I really want to do well. Thanx for all the prayers and the goodwill messages, the encouragement, and i know that everyone who matters has joined forces with me, so that my desire to want that placement is even stronger. And I hope, she felt my enthusiasm. That's all I really have to say actually. I mean what else can i say right? At this very moment of time, my life and my future is in the hands of others. Those people in positions of power. Which of course, can be both good and bad at the same time.

It's scary not to know where life is going to take you even though, yes, EVEN THOUGH you know what you want to do. that said. I leave you with some photos of Moomba. my ai-mei friends. wa ha. Because, every photo tells a story. A story of that particular moment in time:)

MOOMBA/ SHERLYNN'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

sleepy after dinner.



The birthday girl and our huge huge huge breakfast.



cookie face. rawr.



ai-mei-ing.

cooking curry.

Familar aromas bring me back home. That's how i felt when i was making the curry today. It's been a nice sunday. I haven't done much since waking up at 12. Besides the obligatory house cleaning and laundry washing. oh and eating. yah. eating. if only that wasn't obligatory. Then life would be perfect i tell you.

The weather's pretty much great too. It's not insanely warm, neither is it insanely cold. I wished mum and dad was here though. It would be nice to have a huge breakfast on lygon together, it would be even better that I get to stay at a hotel with them. ah ha. tub soaking. lovely lavender scents - it would totally drive the stress outta the window. This nagging tension that I've been getting on my shoulders, is getting a tad overbearing, more and more uncomfortable and I can only foresee that it's going to get worse in the coming weeks. I just feel alot of pain lately. I hope there would be no more though.

I had first bout of loneliness on friday. It just came out of the blue, with the cold wind. Maybe i ought not to have been at QV during lunch hour, or I shouldn't have been listening to chinese music - especially since I know that they have the tendency to take me away from australia, far far away, body here, heart and spirit someplace else. It's the company that i miss the most being here. Really it is. Leaving Singapore's always hard because you're being forced once again to compromise how comfortable you've become. Leaving Australia's hard too, because you're being forced to remember all those things that there through the months you've made yourself forget, the inability to remember or ignorance, is often the best cure for everything. As in law, what you don't know, that extra snippet information that you don't know whilst defending a client who claims he's innocent, cannot hurt you. Yes. Ignorance is often bliss.

ignorance, or hiro's power. the power to bend space and time, is fantastically beneficial for reducing those "shucks" moments. that said, my jiemei's coming and in a few weeks too. I can't wait. I'm so excited. A piece of home in her. Probably one of the reasons, why i would go home and be in asia. Oh copious amounts of green tea too i suppose.

However, despite all of THAT, in all fairness, I have had fun. I've found someone who is willing to go for all these things (guggenheim/john mayer/grand prix) with me. And that person is ROSE. yes, yes. watch out for her. don't play-play. fantastic international lawyer in the making. A photographer/chef/connoisseur on the side too perhaps.

Australian Grand Prix 2007



tickets.



Rose with hot BUT smelly Bridgestone men. HOT.



hummer limo and i'm having a drink in it:)



to-be-lawyers who pontang school.



ASTON MARTIN. phwoar.

my first bout of loneliness.

has anyone back home been watching heros? It's quite interesting, but it has cost me a couple of sleepless nights since I've started on it...my imagination often gets sent into whirrs after about 4 hours worth of it. But trust me, it's not the amount of time that i spent staring at the computer. trust me. it really isn't. In any case, that said...i think if i ever had a superpower..i want it to be the ability to bend space and time like hiro does in the show (he's the cutest i tell. he kinda scrunches up his eyes and he then concentrates really hard, then he disappears. like phooh. I wanted to find a picture of him doing that...coz' he's the cutest then but then i can't seem to be able to find one (even though derrick says that there are alot of them floating around the discussion forums. oh well). I think it's fantastic how i can bend time and space. because if i can teleport around then, i could just go home whenever i wanted to. I could pop by el alamein, i could drop by home and pick up the shirt that i forgot. I could go home and sleep on my bed every night and i could bring in all the things i want without having to go through customs. that would be so wonderful. most importantly though, i think i would be able to live my live having lesser of the "i wish i didn't do" moments. yah man.

anyhow..see, what did i say about imagination going out of whack? ah ha. For those whom i haven't told and who is interested in knowing, especially with all my recent moaning about hongkong...I basically got granted an interview with the representatives from Freshfields on the coming Monday. I mean it's not much. but i suppose, it's something. To have something. It's that bit of validation. and it's a good feeling. Although, having the ruckus die down, and having time to think about it. I suppose it's not so much after all. Because it is JUST an interview and i don't know how much it matters towards that internship.i mean i want it so badly, that i'm saying it here now..that i'm willing to give up eating chocolate for a year if i get it. Yes serious. Even if i get to go to Switzerland at the end of the year and have all the delectable swiss chocolates at my disposal, i wouldn't take one for exchange for that internship. yes. That's how much i want it. haiyah

i think i'll write more tomorrow. brain's processing at 256 mb now. very very slow.

p.s. i was just reading this post after it was published. I think I have issues. Too many freudian slips of "trust me" which say that i've got problems with my own sense of self-worth and an insecurity complex. how's that for self-diagnosing. i'm losing it.

Still no news - i think if i don't hear from them tomorrow...i might as well wave goodbye to hongkong because they're going to be coming to monash on monday.

haiyah. this sucks

me and my postcard

I'm photo whoring ah ha. But I thought I must pose with my postcard all the way from Chicago!! thank you charlie:). Now i've got another american postcard, one from tsin when she was at the grand canyon and one from Charlie from Chicago. Beautifully fantabulous. I love recieving surprises in the mail.

Well i haven't gotten back any reply from Freshfields yet..i'm dying here. Really dying.

carefully happy.

I think i have to be. Cannot be too overjoyed neither can i be nonchalant. I GOT AN EMAIL FROM FRESHFIELDS. asking me to specify when exactly and what type of vacation placement that I was after. There is hope yet. Although, that email could be indications of alot of things. But I mean I'm happy because I've been dutifully checking my email everyday..hoping that an email would come and say:

Dear Miss Lai,

We are please to inform you that you've been selected for our vacation placement.

That time, there'll be no reservations. I'll just be fantastically happy. whee whee whee.

Weekend

Moomba happened over the weekend. Sherlynn's birthday party happened over the weekend as well. The photos don't do justice to the fun that i had. The firework photos neither. I wanted to upload my fireworks video, but then...apparently...there's a 100MB limit on it..so i can't:( otherwise, it would have been really pretty. The show was so long and so pretty. Better than NDP ever. hee.

weekend flies away.

3 words to summarise my weekend..

fun, fat, EXHAUSTING

3 words to summarise what's going on in my mind

why. why. why

I mean seriously why is everything so hard, why can't everything be simpler. why can't the world just be a literal one. Why can't feelings be literal. Why can't Freshfields to fast. Why can't i know that they're going to choose me??!!!!

Photolog

summer. yup those were pictures from summer.of course, the 4 photos alone couldn't justify my whole 4 months home. but then it's better than nothing right?the first 2 pictures were from vday.my sister didn't want to go out with boys, and because her poor older sis had nothing to do...we went sun-tanning together. ha. the sun was perfect. i became brown:) how fun. The second picture was my date with rose and sher. Clarke quay was amazingly pretty that night, it was a yuppie crowd. The ambience was amazing, there was a live band playing amongst the water fountains by the restaurants. It was crowed, but not overly crowded. we even had one dollar oysters..yum yum yum.

the third was from chinese new year, which well, as much as i hate to say this..wasn't as fantastic as it used to be. the last, well the last was my summer adventure. hee. that was the most exciting summery thing to do

obligations. dutiful.

Everyday, yes, every single day since I sent that application, I've been dutiful checking my email..hoping, hoping that email from Freshfields would have been in my inbox. But so far, no answer. Apparently, according to INTERNATIONAL COURIER EXPRESS, it was delivered and lodged in Hongkong since the 7th March... that's like 2 days ago. 2 days la. I hope that doesn't mean anything. haiyah. and i just re-read the email..i wonder if they're offering the places...or is it just like a get to know you better session? but then get to know you session also must send application forms? I don't know. haiyah. I'm so troubled and obsessed.

of course, i understand that obsession is not healthy. but i mean surely, surely obsession about this is alot more times better than obsessing say, about a pair of Manolo Blankniks or a Balenciaga right? or perhaps, even like liang tea that i probably so need now? i don't know. headache. big headache.

really, can understand how much i want it? because it's so hard for me to articulate. very very hard to fully articulate this desire.

Thursday.

These days, getting through everyday is almost momentous. To be able to sit down on my chair, after a day of running around, yes, it is momentous. Today, was my first day back at work, and I was soooo slow. Like really slow. The so slow until it's hard to believe that I've been working for 3 years now. Unbelievable. That said. What a crazy day this has been. I'm thankful that I'm now here. -yawn-

Anyway, we didn't get our apartment, as i said. I think my record is now so horribly bad, that i mean there's not really any reason why anyway would want to continue taking us in. Even if a new landlord would be empathetic about the condition of the apartment that we are now living in. It's all about the money isn't it. I really wished I had my own apartment. Now that would be nice, no landlord to deal with. No property agents to solicit or be nice too. Ah. if only dreams came true that often. I wish.

I finally recieved my cds today. It was fun. hee. I'm glad it came today. I like listening to chinese songs when I'm in Australia, if only for the fact that i get to forget that I'm in Australia, it's like everything simply fades away. like boo and it disappears. It's quite joyful.

There's another reason why I MUST go to hongkong..there, like in singapore i can drink copious amounts of green tea and it would cost me close to nothing. ah there.

HONGKONG. hongkong. i want.

my friend jamie

see right. I've got this friend and her name is Jamie. She is one of my very very very special friends and she belongs to my secret secret society which not many people are allowed to be in. She knows almost all my secrets and for the most part, she's important because she's one of the rare few who actually is empathetic about the peope who have gone away. she is one of the few people who actually can comprehend and understand why, even after 4 years I still feel homesick, why I get these huge bouts of homesickness time and time again. And really, not many people can understand that. She does silly things with me when I want to too, like ice-cream, tanning when she really doesn't want to BUT just because I want to do such a boh-liao thing. She'll listen to me talk about WU-ZHUN until the cows come home and she condones, yes, she condones my potato chinese.

One of the more important things though, is that she's one of the few that doesn't judge...and not many people can do that. She lets me be the crazy girl that i want, and she respects me. But I know that at the same time, I can count on her to stop me right smack in my tracks when I start utterly misbehaving and doing all sorts of things that "normal" people, yes even normal people don't do.

But the point of this post is that....It was Jamie's birthday a few days ago, and though it wasn't an all depressing birthday, it could have been better. definitely alot better. I mean who am I to say that more could be done, since i'm a gazillon miles away (ok that's exaggerating!). but i know i would have done more, if i was there. A few years more girl. I promise you'll have a blast!! But I mean sometimes you know, no matter how nice someone is, they do need to feel appreciated sometimes. Because it's good to be appreciated. it's a fantastic warm feeling to be appreciated you know....

P.s. I haven't forgotten about Hongkong. Freshfields. Freshfields. Please please please. I will not say I-want for the rest of the year if i get the place. and mum, i'm seriously willing to change my name to Lai-I-Want, if you promise me that the place is MINE!!!

Tuesdays.

Now. right now. Right at this very moment. I want chocolate. I want someone to buy me chocolate. Dark chocolate from Koko Black. That kind that I go..i'm in heaven. and there's only one that can do that. Because I'm really tired now. What a long day of school this has been. I like equity. Equity is fun and interesting and I really, really, really want to go to Hongkong. I really really want that place. Not like the just-want kind..it's like the I'll almost do anything for it kind. yah that kind. The I-would-give-up my-chance-of-ever-meeting-Wu-Zhun kind to go to Hongkong for that internship. Yes I want it that badly. But then again, i suppose the Wu zhun thing doesn't count because I don't really want to marry him any longer. Aiyah my life is boring again. Ok wait..let me think of something better...eh. I'll willingly clear out half my wardrobe if i get a place at Freshfields. Yes. I want it that MUCH. Insanely insanely much. Alot alot alot of wants. Well you get the idea.

anyhow, I realise that the Windows people aren't having a easy time reading my blog because I realised that it appears differently on Mac than on Windows IE. In IE all my paragraphs clump together so it looks like one endless clump of things...not nice and i apologise profusely because of that. so now, i shall remember to put my HTML codes in so that everyone else who's using IE and who's reading would have an easier time.

gosh, I am really that tired. The weather's been beautiful lately though. Not too hot and not too cold either. It's perfect. Now i want ice-cream too. Haiyah. I'm so lazy to do anything. Work is starting too, for the simplest reason that they need staff to go to work. I mean I ought to be nice and do them the favour right? Because I've got nothing to do and they're paying me money. Which i really need because I'm going to contribute another 200 bucks to the John Mayer fund. Yup. another John Mayer concert. Another 200 bucks. this time 7th row from the front. Wah. I think only Rose can get these kinda seats. I'm superbly excited.

gah. displeasure.

I'm not pleased with how the last episode of Hanakimi ended, if I didn't have a stronger heart, I swear it was sufficient to trigger a heart attack - you know that ripping feeling you get, it's not really cold, but not really warm at the same time. Wah lau eh. I tell you. I'm not pleased. haiyah. Why did it end like that? I so wanted a happy ending, I so wanted to end up together. They shouldn't make second seasons just simply to keep ratings up. gah. boo.

Onto other things, I applied for a vacation placement in Hongkong over summer. Oh. I so hope to get it. Please please please, i haven't ever wanted anything out of law before. I really really want this. I'm so praying so hard that i get this. please please. please. Please let all those things I've done before impress them. Now is the one time, I'm thankful that I can speak chinese (albeit the fact that i do it like a potato.)

first week.

It hasn't been a classic first week in Melbourne this year. Strangely. I'm usually in hibernation mode in the first week, I don't do anything, I don't talk to anyone, I'm absolutely grumpy (like 10X PMS), I don't eat and I just sleep, watch tv and sleep. I barely even listen to stuff in school. But I suppose this year's been a bit different, possibly due to how differently it started. Barb and Connie was there at the airport, to get me first thing in the morning, grumpy, sleepy and zombie-d out and all. Following which, they sat through me falling asleep on them whilst having coffee. I even went to school after, which wasn't all too smart because I almost fell off the chair on a very hot and stuffy Melbourne day. Ya.

Then of course, Tuesday came along, filled with glorious sun and new lectures (that i'm so glad have kept me occupied). Ooh, of course, the brillant, fantastic and gorgeous crunchyroll that is filled with episodes and episodes of Hanakimi and that show that's got the small pig and ghost (eh. read in chinese). ha. Those things however, continued to leave me bumbling along.

Wednesday was dinner with Andrew and he had to finish my beer. (see totally unlike hibernation mode) I had lots of bird nest, copious amounts that really, I hope isn't overdoing it.

Thursday was St. Kilda day. Had this small celebration for AC's founder's day. and of course more Hanakimi.

Friday. Now what did i do on friday? ooh i know. DFO and gym. Yes. Back to gym we go, liane, chery and i. It was painful. That's how out of shape I've been and more Hanakimi.

Saturday...saturday was ROSE's day. Back to groove train we went, for the most delectable things. Then it was ferrari's 60th anniversary. There were so many ferraris on lygon street and though the rain was a bit of a killjoy, it didn't take how beautiful everything was. And, there's me with my new hat. ha. (buai pai seh).
Dinner was with sara, connie and barb...i had the most amazing mojito ever. Mei..i'm taking you there when you come because i tell you their alcohol rocks. ah ha. It comes in this huge class with ice, like chendol (but it's got ALCOHOL, BARB SCREAMS.) She couldn't drink coz' she was driving. ta.

And Sunday, well sunday. Sunday's been lazy day. Today was lazy day. Today was wake up at 1.30 day and watch Curse of The Golden Flower with liane day. Seriously, ahha. it's a what?!! kinda show. no point. just alot of blood and ALOT of chrysanthemuns. diao. yah. really diao.

Too much food. Too much sleep. Too little Hanakimi. Too little Wu Zhun. Next week, time to get my butt off and start mugging. but I love my life. ha.