When I must believe.

Can't we just confess
Everything we hoped for
Was leading up to this
Don't wanna let it slip away
Staring at the window
Suddenly I'm looking at an open door


Waited all of my life
On the verge of something
Never really knowing what it is
Stuck inside the lowlife
Till you broke through like daylight
Now, I found my place to land
Here I am.
- Here I am, Natalie Gauchi

so now, after thinking so much about it. Mulling over it. I must believe in the impossible. Like my sister says, "jie, you really just don't believe what!" so i think i must. I must try, even though it's incomprehensible to my mind. and I can only do what I can and hope that in the next few months, things change and perhaps, what I really want deep down inside..this thing I've uncovered in the course of the last few weeks will be an option for me in the next year and NOT, three years.

There's more to what's held in those 3X5s.

I love this photograph, practically on the brink of falling head over heels in love with it. ha. so just really indulge me - in those rare moments these days I actually get to sit back and do other things besides read judgments, take verbatim, do research and type letters (i mean i'm not complaining about doing those things), rather it's more like because I'm so caught up in work these days,in those other times that I get to sit back and read a trashy book, i appreciate it so much more.

Back to work tomorrow, i'm sad it's my last week.

Exhaustion but really quite contented.

Friday. friday. friday. It's been a long week since monday rolled around after that awesome concert with Jay and a long work day on Sunday. But i've learnt so much this week, that I feel it was all worth it. It's been only three weeks with the firm, but i feel as if, after this, or rather I am sure after this, this is where I want to be. This is what I want to do. This is what I want to feel. And i'm really quite sure - absolutely utterly sure now even before I finish this last year of law school.

I've seen much (though arguably not enough), I've seen the stuff learnt in school at work, I've been given knowledge that stems from countless years of legal experience, litigation and otherwise. I've had the opportunity to sit in during chambers to listen to learned judges of the High Court of Singapore speak. I've had the benefit of sitting through a High Court trial. I've had the opportunity to play an active role in soo many proceedings and trials. It's unbelievable just reminiscing about all those experiences. I've met people - lawyers who have been around, who have just started. Lawyers who are so talented and amazing BUT yet at the same time, humble without a hint of snoot in them. And its just so......well really, more than anything they astound me and inspire me.

This internship has been both an eye-opening yet humbling, challenging yet fun one for me. I'm rather sad that this has to end though because I know there's still so much in store. So many people to meet. This is the middle of the loop, or so as Monty says. I'm sure now what kind of lawyer I want to be.

Now, i just can't wait for Monday to go back to work. even though I've got a whole weekend of work to plough through and about 4 files of documents to wiggle my way through. That said, I'm ready for law school too and what lies beyond that!

'Cause you take me places that I've never been
I travel the world in your arms and back again
I have no need to wander or go chasing those four winds
'Cause you take me places I've never been
- Places I've Never Been, Mark Wills

Enuff said.

Despite having a not so great day, Jay once again did not disappoint and he chased all the blues away. Today, I conclude that all the anxiety, the one and half hours of queuing up for tickets, fretting over what-ifs I wasn't able to get tickets...paying two hundred bucks to watch him so worth every single penny and I would pay to watch him again. He is so cute in real life. He doesn't have the me-me eyes either. And he sings. and he can dance. So thank you jay for chasing the blues of my only rest day away. and, oh who says lawyers can't have fun. Apparently, more famous lawyers can jump queue at clubs. hee hee.

Glutooonny at its finest.

I am that. I feel like I have the need to spell everything wrong. Just do go against everything and do everything wrong. ha. I feel like eating ice cream, cake, ang ku kueh and a whole host of other random things. There are many things that I regret as well, but it's too late now to harp on it - i can only move on and hope that everything will turn out the way I want it too. Too much stuff to consider and recollect on.

I just realised that the firm that i"m working for has one the best teams of lawyers to be found within that many walls of our not very big office. BUT really, it's not the size that matters..it's the talent. I knew i possibly did have room to study even harder.

the roots of motivation

my legs ache like crazy from all the walking, eyes are squinting from staring too much at a computer screen. my back's aching from typing the whole day and my body is suffering from the lack of exercise. BUT i love my job.

One day, after it all, at the end of the day, i'll wear pretty shoes and be a tai tai with the rest of my friends.

.....

As all things go, I'm throughly enjoying how my holiday is going - with all the things going on with the internship plus take home work, studying for civil and attempting to squeeze some extra exercise in. I think I've gotten many things placed into perspective - one of the things being that I want to come back home and practice. That said, with the way my current grades are...it's impossible that I would be able to come back home and do it immediately. and this is not even me trying to be pessimistic and depressed, but rather it is the fact of the matter.

I came to this conclusion alot of maths after...and though I'm disappointed on one part, I'm glad that I've realized this now, this year as opposed to the middle of next year when I find out then that things are going where I want them to. At least now, I've still got time to work and slowly masticate on the thought of being practicing in australia for another three years, before moving on or implanting myself permanently in Singapore. (This of course, is if I had read and interpreted the rules of admission into the Singapore bar correctly.)

Because, there is no way i'm going to be able to get 2nd honours (lower)..I'm just going to have to work very hard for the coming year to get the third class, hopefully at least that.

I'm trying to be an optimist but it's hard. I promise myself though, that I'll get there. here. by hook or by crook. so when I falter, i'll have something to hold on to.

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong
- I can go the distance, Hercules soundtrack

Helloooo Friday.

Singletini: A curious type of female typically found living in urban settings ; possessing an unusual, some would say deathly, fear of growing up and getting married.
- Amanda Trimble.

Whee. It's finally Friday. Feels like I've worked so hard the whole week that I deserve this weekend. ha. I think I do too. That said, ok I just think quote is cool and it's found in trashiest thing I've read the whole week. ha. Anyhow...I haven't woken up at 6.45 so many times in one week, but it'll probably be like that for the next few weeks to come, at least before school starts and I can pon my way out of school. (stop the tsk-ing already. really.) Anyhow, i think this week has affirmed the fact that I really want to do law, it may be tough in the real world, high stress, deadlines to meet, your time being your client's time BUT I do think that I really want to do it. As of now, I don't mind the long hours, constant need to have to research, and the need to constantly sift through your thoughts all the while trying to get as much as in as little as possible. But really, I don't think I'll mind.

However, this week has also affirmed the need for me to do well enough in this last year to pull my average up alot in order to at least get a second lower, so that I can come back home and practice. Honestly. I'm scared shitless because by the looks of it..it appears that I have a problem doing so. So what happens if I cannot come home to do what I love? I don't know. Shucks. I really don't.

So worry as i may, now i think I might go to bed because my brain has completely failed me. I need to go and worry.

all i really want.

At this very moment, all i want is that. satay. sticks of chunky, juicy meat and peanut sauce with cubed rice and cucumber. For like 2 hours, I would be contented, but I know my stomach be at least satisfied for the next few days.

the last few days have been a rather amazing experience for me. In and out of Court, spending hours listening to clients, listening to the number three in Singapore, listening to counsel's cross, watching them put on their robes and asking the judge for leave for my presence in the Court. I'm still in awe of it all. I mean I'm going to be there some day and I cannot wait. It's astounding to see the legal system at work (this, despite its shortfalls). So I'm very thankful for this experience even though my brain keeps hitting all these invisible walls that I tend to ignore whilst in law school...and even despite the fact that I'm awake and at work the whole day through (to the extent that I've basically retired the rest of my entire wardrobe in exchange for black and white. But that's ok. I'm dealing with it.:)

Now, I just can't wait for the day when I can stand on my own two feet, live on my own, learn from the best and be a really busy bee.

one day and the weekend after.

Today...i feel that I'm ready to give 5 years of my life wholeheartedly to practice and the process of learning how to be an excellent lawyer.

Photolog.

I was just looking through old photos and 2007 has truly been a blast:) And it would have really sucked. Really it would have. Coz' so many things have happened that have forced me to refocus and change my priorities. Thus, to you lot - i can only say many things and I'll let the photos speak for themselves :)

Grandprix with Rosie in March

We found this one cloudy morning at Lygon.

cookie monsters!! sher's birthday celebrations.

Mei's visit and road trip up to echuca!

Post winter exam celebrations. Yippeee.

Jas and Jams' visit - road trip southeast!

Rosie's belated birthday celebration.

Trip up to Sydney for the Harbor Bridge Run.

Kelly Clarkson mini-concert!!

Last time to enjoy before exams. Linkin Park concert!!

Rach's belated birthday celebrations. Still in the middle of exams.

Morning tea at Dandenongs. Post exams treat:)

My early birthday celebrations in december.

But of course, these photos are just but small snippets into the great things that have happened in the last year. Of course, there are many many more. Doi's visit, my 2 huge house moves, not doing well for one exam (it's not such a great thing as it is a great lesson really.), singing K, friends+heros+greys+gilmore tv marathons, ice-cream in the middle of the night, trips down to stokers, justin's concert, dave matthews' concert, claire bowditch, brooke fraser, flyering for close the gap.

It was truly an insane but very meaningful year. So thank you alllllllll. muacks.

dou niu yao bu yao.

Tomorrow I start the serious things. Work that I'm excited about - so excited that it left me grinning throughout the day. But before that though, watching taiwanese dramas make you wonder whether the only way that fairy tales come true is if you are that kinda girl. oh well.

and if that really is the case. wo wan tan liao.

Happy new years my friends. Thank you for another fantastic year - for the companionship, for all the encouragement, for the messages, for worrying when i blog about unhappy things, for making me smile all the many miles away.

I hope 2008 would be even better than 2007 was.

I hope you lot are doing what you really want - today, tomorrow and the many days that follows after. So whilst I'm spending my time at home being a tv-addict accompanied by the lights of Boston Legal, Coffee Prince, You-tube videos and alot of other random things on this first day of 2008, I hope you all getting all the chocolate, cake, exercise, presents or anything else that would make YOU and YOU and YOU happy.

So for this year, even whilst I run endlessly after my dream of being a great lawyer once more i'll still try to be upbeat and happy, though I know it's one long endless tiring journey. So my dear friends, I hope that as you follow your dreams (whether new or from before) may this new year be filled with heaps of joy, smiles and all other wonderful things despite how arduous it might be.

Don't lose sight of it - I'll be here (as before) if you need me.

Love, yan.

You looking for something you can't find,
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
What can you say?
You're going to have a good day
- Have a good day, Click 5