Just because.

Yup. I'm supposed to churning don't-know-how-words a minute, since really all the arguments are in my head. But I thought, oh well... what the heck. I've got John Mayer's "Why Georgia" on replay these days and sometimes my brain goes off on a tangent and wander away.

I remember that not too long ago I was feeling like the dude in Why Georgia, lost and not feeling like I belong anyway. I could just have kept on driving and driving, made a home somewhere, but it would never feel the same. I could have a smile on my face and say that things are alright, but really deep down they aren't - you just don't say things like these to people because it really is that insignificant in the first place anyway.

I'm glad though that things aren't really like that anymore - I don't have to keep asking myself why and sometimes I find myself thinking that really all that matters at the end of the day is that I'm happy with what I've done, what I've attempted to do. Despite the shit that people would give me about whatever crap, unless they are people who really matter, it doesn't really matter at all.

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

....

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask yourself
- Why Georgia, John Mayer

Saturdays

My tummy is a bit of a topsy turvy - hate that i'm feeling like this just because i'm a woman.

Meant to have started writing my essay ages ago, soon after breakfast - but i've been getting acquainted to English history during the time of Henry the 8th and painting my nails a vivid shade of red in attempt to chase away some of the winter cold.



Read that Singapore got Pedra Branca - if "got" is even the right word for it. Malaysia got the middle rocks. I think it would have been a kick-ass case to be part of. That amazing-ness of the law, and the arguments surrounding the issue appealed to the nerd in me. so yes, for those who haven't been aware (because there are times when things just slip by unknowingly), we (as in Singapore) were for the last decade, in "dispute", nevertheless an amicable one over an island smaller than the size of a football field. I think. So exciting things do happen in Singapore :)

We're already in winter and it's not even june.

At apollo bay.


Australian-induced coffee face.

It's freezing outside, the Age says that the maximum temperature is 15 degrees today and while, it should be hitting that right about now. The sun's out, but it's all a scam into letting us think that it really is summery-warm. It's not really. My knees are complaining like crazy, of course, no thanks to the wind + rain + 23 km run that I did last sunday. It's strange though, that they've complaining just about 2 days after that run. I had to go and buy a hot water bottle just for them. So, I am now effectively sitting on my chair, legs tightly shut (like a proper lady - nick will be proud, i think. ha.) and balancing this really nice and warm hot water bottle on my knees - talk about high maintenance.

It hasn't been a crazy semester, but it has reminded me that I am strangely getting older (bloody hell. I've never had eyebags in my whole life until after my 22nd birthday!). My attention wavers after about 2 and half hours writing and reading and I just get so tired that I hardly can do anything else. I've pretty much become even more anal - if I'm not going out means i'm not going out regardless of the course and of course my room, my room has been a complete disaster for most part of the semester. It's just books, books and books, i've literally closeted myself in.

Don't get me wrong though, every semester in Melbourne is a new learning experience for me and though shit hits the fan sometimes, it gets better because well, you start learning to appreciate the smaller things in life - whether it's the sunshine, the extra hour of sleep that you can get, good tea or even those amazing scrambled eggs that I can find 2 mins from my building. Then there's those times when you just sit by your bed and stare at the lights or the leaves falling in autumn. Didn't I already say that somehow the sun in Melbourne falls perfectly on the buildings that it never is NOT pretty.

Of course, in the last 5 years, i got introduced to the very beautiful, reward filled world of amazing coffee. ha.

and yes, you start working harder too, though yes at times there is a bit of anger, frustration and delusion going away because you do lose track of things for a while.

I find the longer I spend in Melbourne, the more certain I get with the goals I have in mind. The stronger I get when it comes to dealing with criticism and being independent. I almost could possibly say that, I get a little more self-assured with my skills. Of course, the amazing people that I've met here have helped nonetheless. If I didn't come here, I wouldn't have met Rosie or Sher or Rach who have pretty much become my partners in crime. I wouldn't have Barbs, who well would stage an intervention at times when i could kill myself (metaphorically) from stress. It's almost like - I got sent new friends to help me deal with whatever shit there is here.

And of course, there is nick. If he was the last new person that I'll ever meet in my life, I would be quite content for the rest of it.

I've supposed to be writing my essay - dammit.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, and things and you CANNOT use your own name for the boy/girl name.

Your name:
Francine

Four words:
Frantic
French-chic
Forever
Forlorn

State/country:
France

Boy Name:
Franz

Girl Name:
Frances

Occupation:
Fisherman

Something you can wear:
Fox-patterned socks

Something found in a kitchen:
French Loaf.

Something you shout:
F**K.

Something you do at school:
Fret.

Name of an animal:
Fish

Name of a Drink:
French Champagne (?)

Name a Hoilday:
Fran-needs-to-go-a-break-cine.

Name a body part:
French pleated hair (?)

and once again, in this dire dire state of circumstances that I'm in - i've found another way to waste my time (bloody hell. it's 2.40pm and I've written all of 10 words on word!)

Another run - but it's not the last.

Pre-run - it was freezing cold.


Pre-run. T-15 mins to the start and we're still in our warm clothes! But look at our tag numbers - they're one after the other (again!):)


After the run. The sun came out just as runners started crossing the finishing line. Seriously.


Post-marathon waddling.


The best way to warm down...spa:)


and of course, nothing cures pain the best besides chocolate. yum de dum.


and this won't be the last one for us:)


Well, the most exciting thing that happened to me this weekend was that Shan and I battled icy headwinds, pelting rain and a temperature gauge that barely went above 13 degrees to complete a half-marathon + 2 kms (neither of us have reasoned out why there's an additional 2kms) from Kennett River to Apollo Bay. It was a completely new experience - totally new terrain (3/4s of the distance were hills!!); the weather was shit (yes it was), it rained and rained for the first two hours and then as people started to cross the finishing line, gorgeous sunshine came through. all the end photos show only sun (BUT DON'T BE DECEIVED); a mental game that you couldn't train for at all.

So although, my timing was rather shit even if arguably i maintained my time from last year, it was heartening to know that even the experts (the kenyans) found that it was a tough race. The weather definitely didn't help (i must reiterate! the weather was shit.).

Apollo Bay was beautiful though. We woke up every morning and went to bed every night to the sound of the surf crashing against the shore. The run was scenic to say the least - it was a perfect weekend getaway. It's hard to believe still that I've completed that run. It was a hard one, but it's good to say that I've finished it - all 23 kms. of it! with a good friend:)

Shan and I are already planning for our next escapade. If only there was time to complete one in each Australian city - too bad we started too late. ha.

Now of course.

Your letter said that you were leaving
But you didn't know how long
I have never stopped believing
That one day you would return
And though waiting is the hardest
Part of everything I do
I do confess it's getting better
Knowing I will be with you

It's alright
It's okay
I won't worry about tomorrow
For it brings me one more day
Closer than I was to you

Now the question isn't "will you"
What I want to know is "when"
If it's one day or a million
I will wait for you 'til then
So I'm holding on to your words
And the promises you've made
There is not one you have broken
There's not one I didn't take
- It's alright, Third day

Now that I've got one more additional person to love me above all the other amazing people that God has already sent and placed so prominently in my life - it's ok, I think I should be able to get through this. I've got everything to look forward to. EVERYTHING. all's not lost.

so thank you and i love you.

Home.

For the last few years, I've been going through summer with ONLY one principle that has helped me make many many decisions - in every sense, it was a principle that I adopted so that I could protect myself and unconsciously allow me to be myself without ever having to be unguarded. This principle has been pretty darn good to me so far, I never ever have to deal with any thing when I'm back here unless I choose to deal with it - most times, I choose to not unless it has got something to do with close friends or someone I care about.

It is therefore very strange that I now feel that I'm being judged for decisions that i made here in relation to people back home. I don't think I've ever felt so strongly about being judged for people that I choose to hang out with or people that I choose to be with. and i mean why should I be right? Who I am and Who I hang out with shouldn't be a reflection of what kind of person I am and even more, who are we to judge the decisions that other people make? -shrugs-

Friends? Sometimes, I get the feeling that it not so. Oh well, I don't know. I could really just be hormonal. Things could turn for the better as most of the time they do... But i'll be sure to let you guys know.

Crowded by the city, all around me
Need some silence from the loud
And noisy crowds

And I'm trying to catch a breath through the air of death
Can't see the sun for the clouds
Those dirty clouds
- Oh Me, Oh My, Imogen Heap

comfortable.

I spent the whole of Saturday afternoon looking at quite a plethora of pretty things with Rosie. There were the omigod "I got to have those shoes" and of course, her very fantastic dress. Then there were the more important pretty,shiny things with Rosie and we swore (well almost!) that we'll help each other out when the time comes. (ha!)

I then spent the whole of Sunday doing (honestly, i do not have any idea where all the time went!). Went for a run with my cousin at 7 in the morning, after which, things kinda went something in the order of, eat... shit.... sleep... eat... and a lot of episodes to the toilet in between all those major things. -shrugs- I suppose that's what a run first thing in the morning does to you. (ha!).

There hardly is much to blog about these days because the crucial time of the semester is here again and days are starting to feel a bit draggy and dreary. Draggy because it's so hard to get out of bed, ironically though, time seems to be slipping through our fingers quicker than ever. So most times, you feel like you're stuck in this strange conundrum of realistic/imaginary time warp.

You feel like most things hardly change because all the energy that's in you at this time goes to trying to get work done.

That reminds me, I've to stop reading and write my silly essay already.

Three months and I'm still sober,
Picked all my weeds and kept the flowers
But I know, it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn
But maybe, at the end of this road
I might catch a glimpse of me
- Sober, Kelly Clarkson

I know I'll live at the end of this, but before that though - gah.
I need to be IV-ed caffeine.

Saturday.

How quickly this week has gone by. There were quite that many things that happened, an event to mark the new change in my life, but there's still so many things to be done - and the most important part of the year, has just begun.

And the gloomy weather is already getting to me, despite all the love that I've got going around.

Be with me, my love
The light shining through on you
Be with me, my love
It's the morning and just we two
- Sunshine of Your Love, Goo Goo Dolls.

memories.

All the time till this day has been nothing less than amazing.

Thank you baby:)

Like icing on the cake.

It's fantastic and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you have friends who understand WHEN you just have to that pair of shoes that will take a toll on your savings account (particularly when it comes down to purchasing them).

Yet, I think it's even more amazing when HE understands the reason behind your gushing about your recently acquired purchase and going on and on, on this tangent about this abstract "out-of-world" experience you just had. Then to top it off, HE calls you to ask about it and let you talk some more.

Sometimes, really. that's all a girl needs.

Or rather, sometimes that's all of what i need.

And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
- Love me, Collin Raye

I love you more than i've loved anyone else.

From him to me... courtesy of Thomas R Dudley :) :) :)

Little did I realise
The first time I saw you
That one day I would come
To want you
As I have wanted no one else…

Little did I realise
The first time we talked
That one day I would tell you
I love you more than life itself.

Little did I realise
The first time I held you
That one day I would come
To need you so much.

Little did I realise
The first time I kissed you
That one day you would become
The most important person
In my life.

There was so much
I did not realise
until I met you.
But now that I have,
I know that I want you,
I need you,
And I love you always.

Worth commiserating over.

Here I am a sinner, broken and in need of you
Take my life and wash my fears away
For you are the great I am, rest assured into your hands
Let the whole world know that you are here

Father to the fatherless, redeemer of my soul
Nations will bow down, the truth will always show

Your mercy saved me, your mercy made me whole,
Your mercy found me, called me as your own
- Mercy, Parachute Band.

Constantly thankful for friends who continually give, no questions asked. Indeed, I am very blessed.

Christian Louboutins and Ferragamo flats.

Just the other day, net-a-porter sent one of their very amazing email updates to my inbox which catapulted me into a mini-frenzy. It was this whole update on the new shoes that Christian Louboutin had for the season. There were flats, kitty heels, stilettos and I just went on a surfing rampage (although please know that I would have loved the idea of being able to see and purchase all with one very amazing click of my handy mouse). I want to be in America.

I don't think anyone brings them in to Australia neither does anyone import them into Singapore (a smaller chance really.) and even if, for their benefit they did - the range would be tiny compared to walking into an entire shop stacked full with just Louboutins or Blahniks (of which I might just imagine myself having died and gone to heaven!).

It has come to my conclusion that I do love shoes more than bags, even though, I admit that if i had the purchasing power to own them all (both!) I would. hee hee.

In any case, these are my current favourites out of net-a-porter, which really, when placed into a context of things, aren't that overpriced when you think about comfort and classic design and all those other things that one should consider when buying deathly tall stilettos.....

The ever necessary ballerina flats.


The stiletto wedges - the brown and the gold takes you from casual to classy.


The wedges - when its time to go for tea


The heels - for work.


And they all can be found here.

saturday morning and the prettiness of just being.

Having the blessing of receiving two very unexpected, yet lovely surprises from two of the few important people in my life..it's hard not to be mindful to give thanks all the time. and of course, the additional blessing of having the morning sun shining on my face this morning. You cannot possibly be anything but happy.

And this, despite all the plethora of things that can possibly go wrong in my life. It is, very wise and it helps when you hear someone say to you, "You can only have options for life, you cannot plan for life".

Rosie, i'm glad that I got to spend time with you yesterday because, I had quite a shitty night and you, made up for it!

I can see it your eyes you're hurting
But pain is part of learning who you are
All these truths can sometimes be deceiving
When your whole world comes crashing to the ground

Tell me everything you need now anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall

Yeah, When you come undone
When you come undone

You know I can't be like everybody
Cause I can't tell you what you want to hear
I don't know if I can make it better
All I know is I will be around
- Undone, Lifehouse

nothing really.