The last lap.

Yes. it is. Sorry I've been remiss in my updates especially for those who read my blog to find out how things are. Things are ok. I haven't been doing very much actually. Just studying, eating and sleeping (which really ought to be all that I ever do anyway). At this point of time, I've completed 3 papers and there's two more to go. Yup. two more. two more tommorrow and I'm done with this exams. C'est tu. Property and Abnormal Psych. Somehow, ironically, this last month has probably been the best and most fruitful in the entire year. Because I've been a busy bee and I don't have much time to mope and stone. Which though on one hand is good, too long and the endorphins just well, disappear.

That said.

It's back to work.

and so they say.

Sam says that:

"We cannot understand happiness if we're never sad,
and we cannot treasure love if we've never been hurt or alone."

And i believe him. Yes I do. You never know how much you should treasure something that it's been lost. You never know how much your friends are a part of you till you're a gazillon miles away from home. Yup. So thanx Sam. For those words of advice. I'll remember them. Which ironically, though deep inside I already knew, it's taken someone to voice it out.

In any case, my exams begin tommorrow. And I can only say that as much as I dread the fact that it begins tommorrow, I'm anticipating the journey home as well as that John Mayer concert that's beckoning once this whole fiasco is over. I appreciate the support - I appreciate the nice post it note that got left on my table just, I appreciate the mac that got so willingly and voluntarily loaned to me because my computer just decided to die, I appreciate the discounts I get for the copious amounts of coffee that I buy just to sustain my existence and energy, I appreciate the 85% cocoa chocolate that got left in my mailbox, I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. So yes. Thank you. and though, it's still too early to perhaps reflect on this year, one thing stands out..it's hard to have made it without any of you. I promise that I'll leave crankiness behind when I turn 21. hee hee.

So in all my optimism, I'm going to meet that exam demon tommorrow head on, with my friend caffeine and all those words of wisdom + of course, the BIG GUY above.

I'll live to tell the story. you betcha i will.

Being nonchalant.

I suppose nonchalance is one of the best ways to protect yourself from the harm that the world wants to inflict upon you. And i'm currently feeling like the world really wants to harm me, with my FAT ass, chin, thighs, tummy and terrible terrible eating habits. Yes.

And I'm also currently acting very nonchalant towards cute boy. Very. Very nonchalant. Could be a good thing, or it could be a bad, but ah..he hasn't mentioned why I haven't messaged him yet, so I guess..probably..highly likely...most definitely (yes. yes. yes. you and you and you are all right. sorry. But it kinda sucks that you guys are.) he's got a girlfriend. Yup. see. thats why..cute boys are either gay or taken. So what's in it for girls like us who are left behind. boo. See. Nonchalance. Happy endings are only those found in the faraway world, imagination conocted world of fairy-tales. Ah sucks. It's quite ridiculously strange to see him working two weekends in a row, because according to my observations, yes observations because I swear i'm not stalking him as afternoons are the normal times I buy coffee, he doesn't work two weekends in a row. Maybe they're really in need of working people now. Oh well. that said and done. Ah. he's got a gf.

Ok. Yes i know i'm ranting. But i can't help it. I'm feeling fat.
and it's bad to be or become a fat 21 year old.
Plagued by obesity for the rest of your adult life.

Eating humble pie.

My computer has died on me. Like the cannot start up kinda gone. Which means that, yes..it's dead. Gone, goodbye, adios. I ought to just throw it out of the window and see it smash to pieces, that I possibly can feel better than how crappy I am at the moment. I think it just shows one thing, that really I ought to not depend on my computer too much. It's almost that my whole entire existence is in that computer. Photos, notes, memos, exam timetable, numbers and a whole host other things are in there.

Trust me, this feeling really sucks to the core. I hate it that things like these have been happening throughout the year. Each time, there's nothing that you can really do but suck thumb.

That said. I've gotta pick my head up and just get on with life. Exams are next week and, time is one thing I don't have.

Eating humble pie now.

up and away on my rocket plane.

I think I can safely say that it's been a while since I've had experienced such a feeling of contentment with myself, my life and just, the things around me. I don't know why, it could be the air, the weather, or it simply could be the fact that home's like less than 2 weeks away. It's so unbelievable, but I'm not gloating because really, imagine if my parents couldnt afford the air-ticket home...I'll seriously be weeping, crying and basically doing everything neccessary to bag a flight back home. Oh yes I would. I would be bawling my eyes out.

Rain came to Melbourne today and it is rather contradictory to the bleak, and depressive weather report last night. Even though I really don't like rain, I guess I'm happy for Melbourne it rained, because every where is burning and they're facing a water shortage, which would probably would get worse over summer.(I'm secretly really really thankful that I'm going home).

And coffee is realy only ever good when you have it with friends, so yes Becky, that I dreamt I had of coffee-ing with you was a happy one:). Probably one of the best night's of sleep in the last few months. Yup. So anyway, it's perhaps this good feeling that keeps making me head back to the Starbucks outlet on Swanston Street. Friends and I mean of course, coffee. Trust me, after drinking as much coffee as I have, you really, really can taste the difference. It quite significant..the milk, the coffee grounds and of course, definitely the experience. Yes. Oh that changes a hell lot.

Back to studying now. Copious amounts of coffee, copious amounts of green tea, packets of roasted chestnuts, 85% lindt dark chocolate, microwavable glutinous rice and red bean buns.

These reasons, yes yes the one above..is making me fat. According to the weighing scale, I've put on 7kg since the beginning of this year. I'm going to be a fat 21 year old.BOO.

In this moment.

At this very precise moment, I can hardly feel anything in my head. I'm in this light airy fairy world, having survived on ALOT of coffee in the last three days to put my life back in order (READ: two 2500 word assignments due today). I've had a total of more than 12 hours of sleep in the last three days, which really was just like 6 because, I think I spent half of that amount of time dreaming about all sorts of random things including going home, coffee-ing with gloria, becky and jamie, cute boy, being in a room with nothing but vanilla and caramel lattes. Oh yes. It was rather blissful I might add, except for this particular dream whereby I found myself in this whole huge pool of papers, textbooks and notes that I was drowning in. Yes. That bad. and that's actually how stressed I am.

I can't live without panadol now actually, because my body has now an aversive reaction to the work that I have to do after dinner every night. So drugs make a world of difference

Shrugs I'm becoming like Barbara. seriously. Caffeine addiction which would consequently result in withdrawal, sleepless nights, drug dependence. I sound like a bloody nutcase

.

Right.

so anyway, I've gotta go to school and get rid of the assignments by handing them in whilst attending two tutorials in that time.

Sounds strange, but I actually kinda do like my life at the moment. Busy as one crazy, overworked bee.

To remember.

I must remember that the world is larger than what I think it really is.

I must remember that things could mean something else despite what they appear to be.

<

I must remember that I shouldn't take the sun for granted.

I must remember to thank Senior Minister LKY for inculcating Chinese into the Singapore curriculum.

I must remember that to be able wake up everyday is a blessing.

I must remember that I must be thankful for being able to live another day, to be able to have another cup of coffee, to have friends in the furthest of places.

I must remember about that courage that I used to have, that I've forgotten because of all the other small, minute things that I've been worried about.

Finding this. only now.

If everyone cared

Nickelback

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

**

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

**

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
**

And I'm singing

**

Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

**

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

**

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

**

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

**

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

**

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

Mayer, John. John, Mayer. - one of my favourite songs ever

John Mayer - Belief (live)

Let's hope he doesn't disappoint, if there's anything else that might. I can't wait. It's one of the only things that's keeping me bloody sane.

(besides durian ice-cream, cranberry and pistachio biscotti, copious amounts of coffee, incessant gut-wrenching muscle torturing gym sessions and maybe, cute boy.)...i might add.

Hai.

I think that it is easier sometimes, being a cute boy (where someone thinks you are cute) then a normal girl. Like me. Like the current situation I'm in. I have to seriously stop analysing every SINGLE insane thing. Good god.

Something's up.

I'm not sure what though. Because the city streets are jammed up with cars heading in both directions (from and towards Melbourne Uni). I've been on two trams today and both drivers were saying funny things over the intercom and both, were also trundling along at a very very ridiculous speed. One tram driver even attempted to jump the orange light even though, it was clearly going to turn red. He had to jam the brakes at the end, sending everyone (well almost) flying. And what is disconcerting about it all, is that these things don't usually happen on a saturday afternoon. No. It doesn't. So somethings up. I don't know what though. Something just is.

On another note. I just realised that I really like durian ice-cream. Had Fredo's last night with liane and durian ice-cream rocks, even though there was barely much durian meat in it (it used to before!). Still it's better than nothing..on a warm, warm day

Murphy's law?

Anyone believe in that theory? Because seriously I do. You know I haven't seen cute boy in 2 weeks, till like thursday I think. So on thursday when I asked for his number, knowing how Murphy's law works and all..I would probably end up bumping into him more in these last 3 weeks. And taddah. I was and still am so right. I saw him today. Ha. (not that i'm complaining). Having his break and he even offered me a doughnut. -shrugs- It wasn't weird though. Thankfully. I still in any case, have absolutely no idea what I'm keeping his number in my phone for. It's quite funny.

I know one of the things that I'm going to miss when I go home is the Starbucks outlet on Swanston Street. I've got friends there now and it's strange to be going away for so long.

that said..home is soon. wheee..

Just a thought...sometimes when you've got too much going on, you often forget about the world around you and you really live your own life. I should remember not to do it..as I get sucked into this abyss of work, stress, pressure and late nights all by myself..

Song for a sleepwalker
Something for Kate

No more will I play along,
and no more will I tell myself,
how it's gonna be from now on.
'Cause I've been stalling in between,
and I've been draggin' my feet,
making bets that this isn't happening.
**
And I sleepwalk around, two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach me.
And when the rain comes down, I see it all now.
**
Standing on the great divide,
of some collision between, ordinary and imaginary lives.
And this could be your lucky day,
'cause if tomorrow ever comes,
you'll be looking, looking the other way.
**
And you sleepwalk around, two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach you.
With stories that you, already knew.
**
It pulls you, and, pushes you.
And you sleepwalk around, two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach you.
And when the rain comes down, you find yourself now.

yanting = random

I don't know how many of you actually remember BUT a few years ago, in J1..on the second day of school,I actually asked some random guy for his number..and that guy, well he turned out to be one council senior..who, I hardly did talk to even when I was in office. Which really as rather ironical and funny too. hee. All of you I like to do absolutely random and out of the blue things, like go running all of 21km or cycling across the bay and suffering as a result of it OR even walk for an hour..

That said, I possibly could have done something absolutely random and stupid again last night, in this whole period of time where I'm absolutely bored and searching for some excitement in my life- I asked cute boy for his number. ah ha. Yes I did

Once again, totally random and now that I have his number in my phone (which I have no idea whether it's fake or not!), I've got no idea what to do with it. Because I'll porbably never message me, or call him for that matter. It was just fun doing something like that..kept the endorphins going for a bit

ok. Perhaps, I shouldn't have made use of him like that..but it did clear things up, he has a girlfriend and now, I definitely have a reputation at Starbucks on Swanston, which really could be good or bad. I still need my coffee though.

oh well. in any case..it's another boiling day today..at least it's still cooler than it was yesterday at this very same time. I've got my fan blowing, the door stopper, all my windows opened and honestly, one of the bad things about the heat is that..food goes bad so quickly. boo.

dreadfully warm

It has been a dreadfully warm day..dreadfully warm i might add. Apparently according to avid followers of the weather reports, (read Lisa and Couz) the temperature peaked at 36.3 degrees today at 4.33pm. And this temperature, has been the highest recorded ever since..well God knows when.

That said. I think it's justified for me to go buy another iced-tea
Starbucks at Lygon Street has ran out of it and that sucks.

A perfect encapsulation

Once again, I wake up on a Wednesday morning planning to accomplish great things, but yet, I've been procrastinating for the last 2 hours (and that includes breakfast and folding my laundry), which really doesn't make it very productive.

Anyhow, just to add my list of "the things i do to procrastinate", I was flipping through the John Mayer CD sleeve (yes. yes. yes. it's finally here, I got my copy from American last week - wowwhee) and I found the perfect verse, exactly what I've been looking for to describe what I've been feeling the last few weeks...

Some of us

We're hardly ever here

The rest of us

Were born to disappear

How do I stop myself from being just a number?

How will I hold my head to keep going under?

(Vultures, John Mayer)

That verse sang though, I think there's one of the many answers to that....

You know, it's nothing new

Bad news, never had good timing

But then, the circule of your friends

Will defend the silver lining

(The heart of life, John Mayer)

And those are the reasons why John Mayer is king
Why I'm paying such a copious amount of money to watch him
And that is why I adore him.

the results.

and it's official...time taken to run 21.2 km without training and still paying the price for it...

2 hrs 11 mins 49 secs

whee. I win.

still no sign.

Yes. still no sign of cute boy. boo. oh well, he's probably BUSY with more important things unlike me, whose life revolves around coffee (+cute boy), gym and school (note how the order the priorities are).

That said though it's ok. I'm in a happier mood today, probably due to the endorphins still in my system from my run yesterday morning. Yup. Yup. I did the melbourne half marathon yesterday and it was so, so, so good. I've proven that it's actually possible to complete the half marathon without actually doing alot of running, I mean of course, you still have to go the gym and all because you have to keep the stamina and a certain level of fitness, but it's possible. Although I am paying for it now. Yes.

Run specific training trains up the muscles that are quinessential to help you endure long distance running and minimises the time required for recovery (because if I didn't recall wrongly, I wasn't aching on the second day still the last time I ran 21km.), however in my case, because I didn't...I have been now waddling about (yes. waddling like a duck) for one and half days, I cannot go to the gym (which explains why I'm at home now, instead of at body attack class with liane) because I can barely walk down stairs or a slope without cringing..I can barely bring myself to run, because my thigh muscles are killing me. Ha. yes. So though it's possible to run 21.2km without doing any physical run training, I wouldn't recommend it because, if you're anything like me, you pay for it after.

shucks. reality hurts.

I'm still rather proud of myself though. Will post my official time when it comes up tommorrow. I think I did it in last than 2 hrs 12mins. Please please. please.

Anyway, I think samsung did a brilliant job with organisation and Stand Chart should take starting leafing through their operating manuals especially when it comes to water points. This marathon had water points every 2.5 km and their sports drinks had things in them even though the weather didn't really make it too much a necessity. Singapore on the other, probably requires water points every 2 km and not suddenly be in need of water or isotonic drinks in our weather at the 17km mark. Yes. I'm still sore about not having water last year after the 17km mark in the blistering, sorching sun. Don't like. Stand Chart though does an amazing job marking every kilometre...Samsung though kinda decided that it wasn't neccessary in the last 2 km i think.

so in other things, I've registered for my subjects next year, PURE LAWWWWWWW! shucks. and i'm going home soon. I know. Thank you becky, mon and gloria. and Cera LAI YAN WEN and jiemei. I'm hanging in there. I promise to not disappoint all that faith you guys have in me.

I want to go home. One day at a time - absolutely, absolutely painful.

I'm the new disease.

Yes. stay away from me. Because there's this chance that you might accidentally get sucked up in this self-deprecating, self-pitying, depressive hole I've dug for myself.

There's an ebb and flow of tides. and there's the ebb and flow of how I feel. At the moment, there's an ebb. A great big ebb that hasn't gone away since the beginning of this year. there's more ebbs than flows.

I suck. I think I really do. sorry i've been a bad friend becky. Please know that I'm praying.

Where's the boy?

No. No cute boy again today. But that's alright. If I get to see him again before I go back, then it's a good birthday present, if not. Oh well. Life goes on. I still need my coffee anyway, if it's anything.

It was a beautiful day today, 30 degrees, warm and sunny- kinda sucks that I was stuck at home, bored to death and no, it doesn't mean that I had absolutely no work to do, it's was more of, I didn't feel like being productive and useful.

I'm in that zone again, and sometimes, it really drives me crazy. I've got no energy to do anything, zilch. Everything's like, oh that..oh alright. Quite a mountain of crap really. I'm still so absoultely exhausted, although I've really yet to figure out what is.

I've got absolutely no idea whatsoever, how it is going to be possible for me to take another 20 odd days of this crap, this shithole that I'm currently stuck in. Wished that there was something to do with my life, besides studying of course.

I'm starting to be really envious of those people, who know exactly what they really want outta life..i mean at the start, at the beginning of this "going-to-be-an-adult" crisis,I thought it was perfectly alright to just simply have a vague idea of what you wanna do, but now, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's this boy at Starbucks, who just got outta of high school and he's decided, for sure that he wants to go travelling next, so thats why he's working his arse off to save money for it now.

I think, that's a good and right direction to have - even though, from a societal point of view (Singapore's one), it's not very helpful to your future. Bah.

that said. Enough moping. I need to get back to law, which despite my interest, is really, really boring at moment

Oh gosh. life sucks. It sucks. my life is boring. I want to be rich and travel in style

less than half

30 more days. I swear I'm dying already. don't know how i'm going to survive.

that said, I'm putting on pounds from God knows why. It's irksome because the weather is getting warmer and I can no longer hide under piles of clothes. I've got thighs the size of elephant trunks and I look like I'm 3 months pregnant round my belly. Not good

and hey..i know what you're thinking. BUT ogling at cute bous and 3 days worth of booze doesn't, it doesn't give you a belly that big in size. ahhh.

heck. I hardly think I've been overeating, under-exercising maybe?? hai.

Curse of the mouldy pancake

Some days ago, when jiemei was here, I made pancakes for breakfast. Yes I did. And really, pancakes left out in the open in Australia last at least a week. So that guarantees that I'm not wasting any food because somehow or another I'll finish them all up before the week is up. However, this time around, it was a different story altogether.

I woke up this morning and seeing the last lonesome pancake left on the stovetop, I thought might as well eat it. So cautiously I checked it for mould and there was none, then I smelled it, was a bit sour but then I figured that since there was no mould, it ought to be alright to eat right?

ha. Bad move. Alot of cheese and jam did mask the smell, but it sure as hell did not mask the taste. I managed to get through half of it though, then I decided that it was enough. so yes. that's the story of the mouldy pancake.

yikes and ugh.

so anyhow, onto other things, it's been a rather dreadful monday with school beginning, jiemei gone and me being alone - moping about. The fantastic thing though, it didn't rain and the sun was out, shining and bright. Property lecture wasn't boring but really intense and engaging.

just an afterthought, do long distance relationships never work because people didn't try or they just don't wanna try?

bye.bye.

:(

so once again, there's no one else in this 2 bedroom apartment of mine. It's so quiet except for Jars of Clay playing in the background, no incessant chatter, no cluttered up floor with an extra suitcase because of an additional person living in it. It's so quiet. and the loneliness is once again scary, it's so frightening. It's so hard that she's gone away now, gone home and i'm 8 hours away from the rest of home, with 31 days more to go. It's been such a horrible year, and I've just only started to have friends here, but it's still lonely. There's no one to have dinner, or go shopping with me. There's no one hear me grumble or I can be cranky to, there's no one to have chocolate with me or sit down and watch the telly with me.

the loneliness is very very scary. the quietness disquieting. this sense of not having any direction at all, none at all is very very troubling.

i really want to go home. No wait. I need to go home because I can feel myself cracking and breaking up one bit by one bit.