distant familarity

I know you love me, but you don't understand me, you blame me and sometimes, you cause me so much pent-up anger that it drives me nuts (like now.)

I know I'm going to have a mental breakdown soon.

sadness.

Blood diamond, is the saddest, and perhaps one of the most heart wrenching shows of all time. How greed and materialism has become the new will to survive.



This song, this one by michelle featherstone..is one of the saddest and yet it has, became one of my all-time favourite songs. Oh and it's playing in the background...

I can't see your face
In your reflection
I see your beauty and grace
And when the light shines bright
To show you your way
Do not be weary, don't turn your head away
**
So let the critics look upon you, with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do the judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your light
Go on, go on my child (2X)
**
Your soul is aching
And its dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile
**
So let the critics look upon you, with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do the judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your light
Go on, go on my child (2X)
**
So you want to give up and you can't find the strength
I believe that you will make it in the end
So you want to stare back and you want to retreat
I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be
**
Don't feel so naked
I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts
And they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message, the message you've sent
**
So let the critics look upon you, with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do the judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your light
Go on, go on my child (5X)



It appears to be that lately, I've drawn to and have been attracting, all things sad, depressing and ol' so devastating. I think I just have a penchant for such things. Maybe I'll never be happy.

"I think therefore, I am"

I'm at a all time low. At least I'm feeling so.

I wish had a million bucks in the bank, or even just a shitload (for a lack of a better term) of cash, so that all the real estate agents can go to hell, I don't have to worry about rent or eviction, my flawless (previous) rent history and yet, still have a decent apartment to live in.

Seriously, I feel lke dying. Now, is the time I wish the world would crash over head, so I can hide and cry.

insanity.

I've been going crazy these days. I feel my life has got absolutely no meaning and there's nothing that I've pretty much accomplished in these last few years. Hate the feeling. So at the moment, moaning, groaning, whinging and how, really the grass is always greener on the other side..I'm pretty un---alot of things. Boo. But of course, I'm always, always very thankful for these things..those that make my day:)


My gorgeous friends + coffee

Shan & Joy

Us.

Tsin & Becky

No fuss, no hurry, just the sun, sand, sea & jamie. heh.








of course, last but not least

my grown-up baby sister

AND

hee.hee. I promise a better picture next time.

Still..hear the song playing? I think it's one of the most beautiful songs ever.

Passion play
William Fitzsimmons
I should not have hid
where my heart can't follow
cause this grace gets so far
and too hard to swallow
i've been running from Saul,
he's been giving chase
when i look in his eyes
all i see is his face
***
are you still on my back
after all these years?
chasing my out of hell
and my nice veeners
i don't know how you stand
when you've got no floor
or how you can breathe
with your hands on boards
***
i just want to be not what i am today
i just want to be better than my friends might say
i just want a small part in your passion play
***
do you hear when i call
in the midst of wrong?
do you hear these here words
while i sing this song?
are you caught up in me
like i heard you say?
or just some big cashier
that i'll have to pay

call me though. I wouldn't mind going out to dinner. I promise I won't be a party pooper.

chasing dreams.

Spent the last couple of days just thinking. Thinking about the future, thinking about a career, thinking about having a family, where i ought to be when all this ends. Just thinking. Pondering..whenever I can. You know, I finally know where I want to go and where I want to be. I know what I want to do, what I want to achieve by the time I'm 30 (which, really isn't all such a long time away). Coming to this though, was rather hard I suppose, the culmination to my ideal is like the best job in the world, which really, like Becky says, is really what every single person, who is in my position wants. Jetsetter and high flyer. Plus, secretly, the desire to settle down.

But you know, thinking these thoughts, the scary thing is getting there..as (ah..i can't remember which director just said it in the golden globes) that it's not the destination but the journey that matters, the fact that I'm trying so hard to make the journey worthwhile and end up, hopefully where I want it to go, is scary. Everyone says, that to make it in the legal field, you should aim to make at least junior partner by 30..and seriously, I want to do that. I want to be able to accomplish that. Sometimes, (now, it's becoming a rather frequent, constant thing), I get this thing, that's rather close to an epiphany, where I know, I can really succeed, against all odds to become an amazing lawyer. I feel the passion and the desire to learn, to experience, but thinking about all the shitty things that I'm going to have to be put through..scares me. Simply because, I'm not brillant. I'm normal and it's going to take alot of hard work to get me to go where I want. It's going to be a struggle - partly though..as i'm not really considered lucky. diao.

I've, you know, always been afraid to admit about materialism. But seriously, despite all attempts at self-denial, something, just something sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm living in a very materialistic world and possibly, I've been conditioned to accept materialism as a normal aspect of society. So there, I am materialistic. I don't think I really should deny the fact that doing pro-bono legal work is not one of the overwhelming reasons that I have decided to go into law. I mean I definitely, hope to be able to do alot of it one day, but then there's this other aspect of getting my car and my own apartment. Plus, supporting myself and sort of other things that would make me no longer be a burden to my parents. Yes, so apparently, i do need shit-loads of money. diao.

Thinking too much.

That Co-evted yong Tau foo.

You know, being home is like having cravings for AC's yong tau foo. When you get it occasionally now, it tastes so good that well, you really just want more. On the other hand though, as Mr. Sim says, too much for it (he's had it for 6 years now)...you kinda start growing weary of it. I'm not sick of being home, but sometimes I feel that the people at home are sick of me being home. See, the house becomes one more person more crowded, and after having being used to me not being around, the fact that i'll be home for 3 months or more, becomes a tad too much to bear.

So there, analogous to that piece of yong tau foo (specifically AC's) .ha. I'm starting to feel that things are like that. Oh well. It's at these times that I'm starting to thinking all too frequently, that perhaps, it's a better idea for me to stay in Australia after I'm done with school. It's either that, or once I start working...I move out of home. But then if that's the case, I really would rather just be based in Melbourne. My own car and apartment is a goal that would more easily be obtainable than being here. The attractiveness of being alone is starting to be overwhelming enticing, because I have only myself to be grumpy too when I feel grumpy. And it could be that sometimes, a person's sadness is easier to deal with when that person is not physically present.

Sad to say, as much I would like to believe otherwise, it could be that Singapore doesn't hold as much for me as I wish it would any longer. Yes, i would still consider it my Home. Which I eventually would like to be at, at the end of it all - however, not being I've had enough of travelling the world, I think it could be at the end of it all...my greatest desire would be a jetsetter. The global experience, working in an international environment, is my greatest dream. I hope that law would take me there. Because at this moment, there's really nothing better that i want to do.

That said, I'm going to start clearing my closet.

doubtfully rain.

The chicken fan-tast-ic burger is my new sin. I just had it for supper and seriously, it tastes rather good. scrumptious. It's like a meal in one - there's protein, carbs and fibre. I mean although the veggies do not do justice to your supposed daily required fibre intake, it suffices. At least it makes up part of it right? Just do without the mayo though. Mayo makes me sick. I still can't eat mayo. UGH.

The rain was beautiful today. Just for that brief moment. It looked like snow. It reminded me of rain in Melbourne. Bliss.

sweepy-woopy

The last past was like this sudden *ding-ding* last night, when once again I couldn't get to bed. I suspect my brain is crying and thirsty for new information. Yes. I really suspect so. I miss school and the amount of new information that we're being bombarded with every single day. This desire though, I reckon would be fulfilled in a matter of weeks - not too faraway.

I can't sleep once again. Yawn. Brain's working overtime. I need to do something else. I think my degree is going to increase all over again, with my apple-y once again being my companion way before I re-enter school. Not good. Not good. Says alot about my social life doesn;t it? So really, if someone is craving for ice-cream at 2 in the morning the next few days I think, call me please. The best we can do though, is the maccas at West Coast which, is miraculously open 24 hours. Cool. Cool. I miss body attack class. Although I'm sure I would miss my magically appearing clean clothes and cooked sausages more. Gosh. I am so bored.

In any case, in line with the plan that Jamie and I concieved...These are the places that I want to visit before I die...
1. Central Asia
2. Turkey
3. Nepal
4. Lhasa
5. Paris
6. Milan
7. Spain
8. Italy
9. India
10. America (OH yes..I want to go to A-meriCar!)
11. Taiwan
12. Finland
13. Norway
14. Switzerland

I can't think of more at the moment. OOh ooh OOh I know

15. Barcelona.

An ode.

2006 was supposed to be a fantastic great year. As previous entries testify. Didn’t turn out that way though, in fact, it was one complete 360 degree turn of what it was meant to be. It was hell. The year was hell. I learnt in that year that I was actually capable of feeling so many emotions in a single day – didn’t know that before, usually it was just clear and distinct, I was either happy or sad. Go figure, yup. I realized that I was actually a really screwed up person inside. Helplessness is one of those demons I’m still desperately fighting.

Basically, to sum it all up – I screwed it up. The academic part - most definitely. It was a really important year and I failed miserably. I mean I didn’t literally fail exams (thankfully, still haven’t the slightest idea why I managed to pass every single subject…I know it’s divine intervention!), but I could have done a lot better. I was so caught up with everything else, so drained, so exhausted, so, tired. The mundane was catching up with me every single day. School was a drag. Actually, being alive was. No. I’m not being melodramatic, I couldn’t really grasp the reason for my existence, neither could I comprehend what I was actually trying to achieve. It didn’t make any sense. Things were supposed to be good. Moving was supposed to breeze. Finding a house was supposed to easy.

Then of course, there was my huge infamous crying episode… that drove everyone 8 hours away absolutely crazy. For two weeks. I was a wreck. For some total stranger whom, I didn’t really know. Yes apparently, till this day I don’t. Or so I claim. Despite the nice things he did, all the promises made, I still didn’t know him. Because if I did, I would have foreseen that episode coming and I would have better defended myself, instead of being the huge wreck that I ended up being. Honestly, even though I tell the story with a great deal of jest today, it sometimes, (secretly) still hurts. I mean which part doesn’t. I’m still recovering, slowly but surely…as my extravagant shopping sprees are testament to that. I spent a whole month moping, shopping and trying to smile. I couldn’t cry though, when I called… Because I felt I wasn’t allowed to. Crying meant that I had no strength and that I was, almost a disappointment. So maybe that’s why the healing took longer. It’s true you know, when they say that a small part of you dies for each and every broken relationship.

But of course, those things aside, who can forget the happy times. I thank the friends who did their utmost best, wherever they were to make me better. Friends who went out of their way, to push me on; Crazy nights out in town, stuffing faces and trying to avoid the horsepoo at the racecourse. Talks over gazillon cups of coffee wherever, whenever. Champagne, wine and cheese. Fish and chips, runs, body attack classes and just a whole host of cool things that allowed me to take my mind off what was really, really going inside. Of course, who can forget eel sushi, john mayer and my sister’s visit. Oh yes, then there was the mussel-stuffing, movie-watching, tea drinking, shopping filled, disgusting dorm sharing, screaming at Raymond perth trip that was, a blast.
My birthday party. The 21st. of Course, was a treat. So many people came, I got so many gifts, there was so much sharing, there was so much food, and alcohol…it was crazy. It was the best. The most heartwarming, the craziest thing and just too bad, I can only turn 21 once because, it would definitely be great to have one party like that every year. Aspiration 2,000,02…

I think I shan’t expect too much this year, this coming new year, which would in my mind, officially begins when my plane takes off from Changi airport on the 25th Feb. Goodbye comfortable and clean house, goodbye nice food and clean clothing without having to lift a finger. Goodbye late night Macdonald drive throughs. Good bye Jamie being 5 mins away. Goodbye car and nice warm sun. Hello to law, and dirty disgusting house. Hello to tram and train rides and pricey tickets that cost at least ¼ of my pay. Homesickness and a whole host of other diseases and illnesses that really, I can’t bare to think about. (SHIT. Really what was I thinking 3 years ago?!!!)

So there’s me. Walking faraway.

Re-Ignition of Melancholy.

"You And Me"
Lifehouse
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
**
Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
**
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
**
Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
**
There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
**
Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
**
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

orientation re-visited

just got B-O-M-B-E-D

lots of yelloooow

they're called "SLs" now

my dorky yet secretly cool baby sister

Thomas & Michelle...i think.

I spent a few days last week back at fairfield. Poking around, trying to get a feel of what Fairfield felt like now. It's been so long that I was afraid that I would forget. 6 years you know. 6 years since the class of '01 graduated and left our legacy behind. The school is prettier now. Our old scary green and black pond has now became the courtyard, there are lockers, an overhead bridge and loads of other cool, funky things that we didn't have then. It was fun, whilst it lasted. Just being there and soaking in the atmosphere..though at certain times I felt and wished so much I could be part of it once again...it was all their time...their time to shine. I had mine. :)

Then of course, having been in Fairfield, I snooped back over to AC to take a peak. Nothing like AC - the teachers, the canteen and the whole host of wonderous things that never seem to amaze me. YONG TAU FOO!! hee hee. the atmosphere was exactly the same. the excitement, the bewilderment. But this time though, I knew absolutely no one. How time flies.

Being away

Haven't found much time to sit down and blog despite the gazillon of things that have happened since the last post. There was my birthday celebrations, there was the singapore marathon, there was the trip to thailand and just, most recently, my uncle's wedding. I tend sometimes to still say, cousin because he's rather close to my age...but apparently he's in a different generation. How ironic, that all the time, our mind tricks us to say things to say using all our gazillon braincells.

I will eventually post all the 200 over photos up.. though, perhaps only when I'm a little more bored and stuck somewhere, faraway, in the cold confines of my room, with nothing else better to do except blog and post pictures. I've recently been itching to get something done. Some reading perhaps. Maybe that's why it's important to try and get some summer units done. Maybe i'll do that next year. Over winter. Then I'll have something to occupy my time instead of thinking of home. Should save the money because I have my eye on a blue-turquoise-y balenciaga (very much coveted!) and might be travelling abit once, all my NUS friends graduate.

That said. I've been working. must find something to do soon.