annihilated.

If my life was a soap opera, i reckon it would be a pretty good one and if there is a God (i know there is), let me not have to move house again or have to pay extra rent if I still get to stay here.

My hours got cut because I keep cancelling work and I only feel indifference. Says alot doesn't it. Says alot about me, about my lacklustre attitude, says alot about how much enthusiasm I have towards my life at the moment

I don't apologise for moaning, even though I know that there are other people out there who are probably getting it so much worse than I am. I just find it so hard to be thankful when things just line up to keep filling up that particular portion of the plate that has already been emptied. I think if these few years have been any indication, I would never be able to live here or start a life here. Sometimes I feel at these particular times, if you throw me out to sea to see if I would sink or swim to survive, I would choose the former. Worrying but yes, I think I would choose the former. Happiness is so short lived these days, i try to be content but each and everytime, things would come and take it away. See, if I sunk, it would be like Meredith. But if I sunk, there would be nothing to worry about anymore. Does every other 22 year old worry so much? Isn't the world my oyster. For me to explore and for things to go good. So why?

i don' t know what to do. I'm lost. I wished that I could go hide my head in the sand, or just disappear/runaway from everything for a while.

help.

if you believe in karma, then I must have done something really terrible that's coming back now.......

"It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think..."
-ironic, alanis

Hopeful.

What i'm feeling now....

懂得让我微笑的人, 再没有谁比你天分
-tank.

seriously? Seriously.

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, he'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow.
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again!
I'll never fall in love again!

- Hal David

seriously. for all it's worth. this can't be it. Otherwise, that would make us all, except for a few, very powerful few, silly and stupid people, who would never ever learn from previous mistakes. I'm sure love, whatever it is, where ever it may be, is heaps more than that. At least I can only hope, that I would EVER find it.

For what is essential, is invisible to the eye. -Little Prince

I think sometimes we try to hard or rather I try to hard to be in control. But then it feels good to be control. It's hard for me to make sense of my life when I cannot be in control of things that I should have control over - like assignment deadlines, how neat my house is, whether my room is in a state of organised clutter. Those kinda things. I admit, I'm pedentic and neurotic about certain things, and these traits though not all the times extreme, will drive myself up the wall. I don't really know where I've been the last few days - things have been quite a blur lately.

This week, I forgot stuff that I don't usually forget, it was really worrisome to know that I'm suddenly so vulnerable and incapable of still being in control of these things that I ought to be. It's not big, out of this world, impossible to grasp things, it's simple everyday stuff. Not hard to remember and ought not to be hard to forget either. Just feels sometimes that the expectations of me, not the express, but rather the underlying ones gets too overwhelming. What I expect of myself gets too overwhelming too. At least works getting done even if I'm sleepless because I've been scaring myself into it. Still though, there's so much to do, not enough time, not enough energy. I really ought to just leave things as they are. That said, i seriously ought to stop whinging. rah.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
- The beatles.

conflict.

Started out considerably being a not so fantastic day - considering that ( i still don't know why.) i'm in a half-zonked out state of mind, there were hot air balloons against a pretty blue sky but I was too tired to keep staring at them, I left my library books on the train even though I distinctly recalled reminding myself just a minute before that I had to remember to take those books that were on the seat beside me.

In all gratefulness though, I think someone actually bothered, picking up my books and taking them all the way to uni and dropping them off at the library. Thank you many many, whoever you are. I appreciate it so much.

So as it all turns out, I could have had quite a shit-ass day. Pretty much all got turned around knowing, simply knowing that someone actually bothered with my goods. Now though, that that's outta my mind, I've still got a heap loads of things to do (i need to constantly remind myself that whinging and ranting ain't not supposed to be part of me). As Rose has been saying over the course of Sunday, there's this sandpaper on my bottom thing going on at the moment. Not good and I dislike it alot. Too many things to consider, to do and to think about. rawr. I need a holiday. AGAIN.

I am seriously darn sad and pathetic.

Aahhh yeah!
I can't believe what is in front of me
The water's rising up to my knees
And I can't figure out
How the hell I wound up here
Everything seemed okay when I started out the other day
Then the rain came pouring down
And now I'm drowning in my fears
And as I watch the setting sun
I wonder if I'm the only one

[Chorus]
'Cause everybody tries to put some love on the line
And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
And even when I'm scared I have to try to fly
Sometimes I fall
But I've seen it done before
I got to step outside these walls

I've got no master plan to help me out
Or make me stand up for
All the things that I really want
You had me to afraid to ask
And as I look ahead of me
Cry and pray for sanity
-teddy geiger, these walls

OOh. Happy birthday mon. My crazy, dearest friend:)

moved and missing.

Been missing for a few days. I'm sorry. I'm ok and I know it's rather unlike me, but I've got no internet at the moment because I've moved. Yes. Away. Ha. from the grimey old disgusting place which I called home for a while. So i'll be back again, blogging, whinging and doing every other thing which I usually do on my blog. (not enjoyable always anyhow). Still have to clean up my old place which I really, really (X10) am not looking forward too. Somehow, I have no idea how we managed to mask that stinky smell which has resurfaced just like one day after we moved out. faint. Terrible terrible smell.

That said, for all those having exams..good luck. For everyone who has helped me move, fixed my bed and my table, and listened to my ranting about packing, moving and all other things in general over the last couple of weeks. Thank you many many. I owe you all my life (ok maybe not my life. but well close to that. heh.

you smile and the spell was cast.

Something beautiful and nothing less from Rose:) It's a beautiful line from one of her songs, and I think it's brillant. And I get to look at it everyday, whether i'm feeling like a shit-face or a happy person. It's always there. Strange how, that quote's a reflection of so many things - the person that you're looking for, a favourite friend, the sun, the people that we meet everyday. It's wonderful to know that somewhere, someone out there that your day can be changed just by a smile. It's actually a very beautiful thing to know that, your life is not just simply your own. Quite airy fairy this whole thing, but it's just a good feeling to be able to place your happiness (even if just for a while) in the hands of others, and not simply, your own.

I've been packing and packing. Maybe that's why I was so bloody sick for the whole week - enough rest for this insane weekend. Once this move is complete, I've gotta start on a whole lot of things, including the ethics reflection essay that thankfully, is now non-compulsory, the LES research assignment, which thankfully too I've made a headstart on and my 4000 word EU essay. I have no idea why i'm feeling so happy and optimistic today. Maybe it's because things, EVERY THING is going somewhere. I can feel it. It's good that there's a direction. Or it could simply be just because, I went back to gym-ming today. Feels good to be well and having your face stuffed with medication 4 times a day. Truthfully, I only ever take medicine as a last resort. This time, It was really a last resort. There. See no need to see the doctors.

that said. I'm tired now.

Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday Lai Jie Mei!! Finally 19, one year till you hit the big 2-0. It's taken you alot to get here and I'm absolutely proud of who you've become and what you've accomplished. Although sometimes, I still question why you do certain things...Please know that I still love you all the same - bag of bones and all. I hope you get to eat lotsa cake this year, good cake. I hope you spend the day having only fantastic coffee from the best place in Singapore. I hope your friends get you happy and drunk (ugh. ok mum and dad didn't read this?!) and you meet that nice, cute angmoh boy who you couldn't get the number from the other time (kok hou didn't read this either.) I hope you'll be happy for the many more years to come, simply because you keep making me happy. I'm thankful that you grew out of your biting people phase (poor me. How I suffered when you were teething!) I hope all your wishes come true and you get that place at Wheelock College in Boston, so that I not only can go and visit you BUT i would be able to buy all the stuff I want online and ship it to you. ah ha. Ok la. Because it'll be their lost if they don't accept you - only you have that way with children (and only GOD knows how.) . I hope you would meet a boy who would take care of you, make you feel secure and not be an asshole.

Thank you for being my shopping buddy, the listening ear to when I whine and moan about everything in general. Thank you for hanging around even when i'm being an asshole and shit-face grumpy. Thank you for being the messenger, for helping me move, for coming to visit, for indulging me in my most insane desires. Thank you for liking my friends and going on these wild insane road trips with me. Thank you for caring enough and letting me know that I can message you whenever, whereever. Thank you buying me stuff when I run out of money. Thank you for being born 19 years ago so that I could learn to share and not end up being this spolit brat. Thank you for allowing me to secretly racist against all those people who want to try and takeover our world. ah ha.

You know, you are so amazing, so please don't let anyone ever let you think otherwise.

Happy birthday mei. have a great great birthday!! wear ya keddies:)

love you many many xoxxoxo

pounding headache.

Screeching babies, slamming shutters are so not my friends at the moment. Every single thing makes me cringe. That reminds me I've to buy more panandol soon. Grr. I can chew already which means if anything, I'm getting better. Maybe the ice-cream did really help and work its magic. ha. D-E-N-I-A-L. I'm supposed to be getting work done and I am, this is just another one out of the two millon breaks i've been taking since waking up, besides making breakfast, making tea and arranging my desk and every other thing that neurotic me can lay my hands on. diao. That said, I somehow lost my photos from the road trip, at least prior to the photos i took before we hit the point where the two rivers meet. I don't know. I'm so angry. Grr. But, I shan't complain about technology because, it hasn't been giving me as much as shit as compared to last year. SO yanting. shut up and be careful. BUT i'll still lost all my photos la.

In any case, I'm moving on Saturday. Bed goes. Finally that this is settled. I can like move on. Moving is stressful. I'm a hard person to be around when i'm stressed out and totally insane. I become like this. Totally random. That said, two very very rare photos from the trip. sucks that i only have that many - i lost the one where we had andrew buried in sand in the sand dunes in Mildura.

the gang. so many hours of driving. so many packets of chips later.

jiemei and i. i don't know why andrew's in the picture smirking?!!

不用再问为什么,
不用再说些什么,
了了, 懂了,
我们都一直爱着.
-tank.

knowledge.

There's so many things that I wished I knew. Including what was going through his head just now. Especially just now. Guessing is so hard and tiring. Tell me can? But then I suppose beings friends is a fantastic thing right? Rawr. (cue my fainting dog). Lai Yan Ting is still sick and she cannot gym - which is utterly rubbish. Ice-cream though, is a fantastic cure for times when you cannot eat. I want to add Francine to my name.

Now, how random is this post?

Losing.

I've swollen gums and I don't understand why. It's affecting the stuff that I eat. I think in time to come, I'll probably just give up and only have coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I can't bite anything hard without feeling copious amounts of pain. Bah. and oh, I'm still shit-faced sick. ha. Cough, I sound like a horse and flu coming up. I wonder if my fever is still coming to visit. The good news though is I did manage to get a night's sleep without waking up every half hour and feeling as if I'm going to cough my entire set of lungs out. So yay for me. I'm getting better.

Anyhow, I've been listening to alot of chinese music recently. It's strange how I'm starting to feel strangely at ease with listening to chinese music. Those lyrics seem more capable of bringing out those feelings that I've been feeling lately, perhaps, encapsulate maybe a better term. It's not that english lyrics are unmoving and unfeeling, but rather I think in English, you've to use alot more words to express the exact same thing, whereas more often in mandarin, it doesn't take a whole lot to garner and capture an emotion. Beaut-i-ful i must i say.

你最后, 的微笑有泪水画落的线条, 祝福的味道
多完美, 的微笑...

- tank.

disappointment.

just of one of my very very spur-of-the-moment revelations:

"I think sometimes being who we are, what we are and the people we relate to, we are often blinded by the lack thereof of qualities of those that are around us. The people that we love, the people that we trust and the people that we are close to. Personally, I am a person (or at least I think I am) a person who trusts people too much, who often gives the people around me, the people that I've not met the benefit of the doubt and perhaps, in relation to those that I've learnt to trust, or trust as a factor is given, more, more of this thing called benefit. I see these people, through glasses that have been tinted to a great extent - ignoring their flaws and their obvious weakness, blaming these things on the circumstances. Very often thus, it takes a huge mistake or a culmination of a few of them to make me realise that these flaws are actually in existence and not, a mere figment of the imaginations of others. Consequently though, when shit happens. I pay and I'm the only one paying for it - paying for that faith in a person."

sorry, I am currently feeling like the shit of the whole world is on my shoulders, maybe because my mum and sis have just left and i'm alone again, maybe because i'm now having a happy hangover (as Rose calls it) or maybe it could just be because I'm shit sick and the only way to take my mind of being sick is sleeping or gymming

This said, i really had a fantastic easter. Better than I could possibly have imagined or comprehended. And blessed, very blessed in every sense of the word. Real family who came to visit, friends who sacrificed their sleep to help me move and once, for the first time in a very very long time I felt loved. and that I'm truly truly not on my own.

hanging out with coffee on easter friday where everything besides starbucks was closed.

view from the car on the way to Mildura.

crazy crazy people who must've been taking drugs whilst i wasn't looking because they were on something.thanx guys.

dependency.

A few posts ago, i said that my friends are possibly the best thing that has happened to me, and coming here, to melbourne has made me realise it. A whole lot more.

That said though, despite all the encouragement and support, I have to apologise and tell you all that i'm feeling despondent. And once again, yes, just once again I don't know where i'm going, and I wished that I was bigger than body and I wished that there was many many more of me. So that I can be split up in alot of many different parts and be at that many places at that many different times. So that I don't feel that I don't have to be stretched so thin that possibly, just possibly, fainting's not such a remote concept. Fainting from exhaustion that is.

gut feelings and all things gut-ty.

I think I ought to learn to trust my gut feelings more, like when the gut says, "hey fran, wake up. something bad is going to happen." I should really, seriously wake up from dozing off in the train and take heed. Bah. Needless to say, I didn't listen to it this morning. Bah. I woke up early and was actually amazingly on time for school today and guess what was stuck on the door of H1....

Dr. Mxxxx Hxxxx's lecture would be cancelled today due to illness. Sorry for any inconveniences.

wah piang. You don't stick something like that on the door of the morning of the class, especially if, yes especially if that's your only class for the day and you woke up extra early so that you can psych yourself up for 2 hours of class. Diao. I was darn pissed. I could have slept for so much longer ya know. Like a few more hours, which would do amazing things for the body because, at the moment I hardly can sleep before 12 and when i have to wake up at 9, i literally have to roll out of bed so that i might unforgivingly hit the floor and wake up. yup. quite bad i know.

see. must trust that gut feeling la.

Anyhow, on to other things gut-ty i think I have been eating too much in the last two days. Like too much for my own good. Feels like it. I think gym's not going to help very much soon. boo.

Contentment.

I hardly think I'm hard to please. I'm easily happy actually, as long as I get to have good food. After a whole long's day of work, i'll be happy with a good dinner, good conversation and company. Or you know, when I'm cranky, a good cup of coffee with a bit of my favourite lindt pralines or even Kit Kat will make it all go away. See, I'm really not hard to please. All I want sometimes, is good company. Someone to make me laugh. So good dinner + good company + good conversation + good walk = very happy me. Even after such a long and tiring and cold day in school.

Trust me, it's not the big things, but the really little things that matter:)

mail order me.

I was really mopey and feeling all terrible with myself last night (but i mean, what's new right?) I've been feeling like that so often lately, it's awfully not funny any longer. I was just thinking alot last night, being 22 this year and with nothing to my name. I haven't been doing fantastic in uni and i wouldn't even consider my grades average. They're way below I reckon. I've got an arts degree - but it is JUST an arts degree in this world where having JUST an arts degree sometimes hardly's ever enough. There are alot of 22 year-olds out there who've done so much more. Look at Scarlett Johnassen. Though she's not changing the world, she is raking in the dough. and I, yes all 22 years worth of it is still relying on ol' dad to put me through school. I'm going to be kicked out of uni in 2 years, not because I want to, but because I have to. Where am I going to go, and where am I going to be? What happens at the end of all that, what i want to be and where I wanna be doesn't come true. As much as hard work maketh a man, luck does as well. I need a break. But I can't keep living my life hoping for that break. I can only put myself out and make use of every opportunity that i get so that IF i DON'T get my break, hopefully no one will call me loser and a good-for-nothing. It's so hard thinking about the future you know. Because where I want to be in 10 years, might not be where I'm going to be in 10 years.

At the moment, I think there are too many expectations of me, not from school because school has never been anything but my goals and aspirations (yes mum and dad are not those kinda people!), but everything and everywhere else. Sometimes, it's so easy to just think about what-ifs. What if i wasn't here any longer. What if i just disappeared for a while. Eloped on my own - away from it all. What-if my life was one of those charmed ones that every thing fell perfectly. There would only be obligations when you want there to be. There'll only be responsibilities when you want there to be. There would be nothing of all that implicit and implied nonsense. and sometimes i do wish i was more perfect.

That said. I guess when everything else crumbles around me. like yesterday. like today. like most of the time. I am thankful for those who love me and never fails to send their support. I'm sure not everyone else gets parcel in the mail with dark chocolate goodies or a mail order boyfriend - to take away the gloominess of the day. Not everyone would have a card in the mail reprimanding you about not meeting up, but would still offer that hug. Not everyone who have friends who calls after reading your blog or share your joy that you've got a new house that you're moving into. Not everyone has friends who accedes to your whims and fancies to go for steak, to help you ship stuff from the US, who sends you postcards whereever they are, who calls just to chat, who would go for KTV even if they've just gone last night. Really. I think at times without all these people, without those shout-outs, without those calls. I would have vanished a long time ago.

it's sad though. to be so dependent so much.

5.30pm after kaya making.

meh. A thought just struck me. just because someone spends alot of time cleaning the house, it does not necessary translate into that person being very free and having alot of time.meh. seriously. just a thought.