The in-betweens.

Having woken at a grand old time of 5 in the evening today, I realised two things, first, i really do have the capability to sleep a shit load of hours and two, sleeping too much makes you kinda depressed. I spent alot of time dreaming and thinking whilst tossing in bed today and when i eventually rolled out of bed, there was no one at home, no wanton mee, no kopi and not a message saying that you've been missed (except for the call that Rose gave to ask me if i wanted to watch a movie on wednesday, which made things not as bad.), staying in bed because you don't want to get up and face the world makes you feel a tad depressed.

The week went by rather quickly (as it always does). It's already week 3 the coming week, the weather feels like its getting a tad warmer, slowly but surely - then soon daylight savings would start and i'll be 3 hours ahead once more. There's so many things to do but I've just been procrastinating so much - i'm already waiting for the holidays, even if it's just one week. There's so much to do before then though - there's all the assignments that would be due once the holidays end and the exams round the corner. Then, there's the hope (which i still hold on to really faintly) that there would be a mail from hongkong, there's the moving, there's the WHEN are you going to fly home question (i hope it's soon), there's the registering for summer and of course, the trip to Hongkong (which i've been allowed to take). It's only the end of July, but I already feel that it's been a really long year. Too long, for my own good.

oh well, i'm just going to go away and mope for abit and then, i've to finish trusts.

another goodbye, but we promise, it's not the last.

Thanx babe. For these few years of friendship and I hope, many many more to come. Be safe babe. Stay strong and don't do anything your nerdy friend a.k.a moi wouldn't do. ha. I'll see you soon hopefully. I promise to come and visit.:)

Goodbye my fears
I feel that we have parted
The possibilities keep walking in on me
It feels so strange, I guess that's change
It's alright
The possibilities keep walking in on me
- Possibilities, Teddy Geiger

Ever seen.

Ever since the reflection of the sun in a mirror, it's one of the most beautiful images and most comforting. Just too bad, there's no one to share it with. Sometimes, I really do regret and even at more times, I wonder. I hope it never comes true. I hope I would never have to count the reasons why i ended up lonely either.

人 群 里 面 那 個我把幸福遺落
那曾經走過的路口我停了你卻走
我想吳著我的耳朵听不見你說
愛就在辭可送手分手放鑠

我才不頭不才頭
和你背對背的走
原來怪我沒有
沒有愛情的天分你才要走

我樣要學回自我催眠
痛覺會少一些
千一是做雖想這想到失眠
寂莫更加明現
我見見的子我催眠
卻回不到從前
﹣自我催面，羅志樣

Transiting.

It's been an awfully slow day. I've started sinking deeper into Harry Potter and now, it's hard to let it go - even though, i know there's so much work to do and it's only the second week, and i'm already lagging behind. It's a beautiful day today - not too cold and the sun's out, all bright and shiny against a very, very beautiful clear blue sky. Have I ever mentioned how i really dislike my life now, the fact that it's so transitional, the fact that things aren't there forever, the fact that global issues change ever so frequently and I can hardly catch up with the many that is going on in the world today. It saddens me to think that things are this way. How many of these things would we remember twenty years down the road? How many of these trips, of these beautiful sunsets will be remembered years later or even worse, would we still remember, the promises that have been made, the laughter shared and the friends?

I wish for a nice quaint coffeehouse, with little or no noise, good coffee, nice sofas and a glorious view of the sidewalk. Me + Harry Potter + Good coffee, i would contented for a very long time to come.

dear girls.

Words can't possibly express the amount of gratitude i owe these two. For coming all the way over, and spending time with me (and of course, at the same time - shopping.) Dealing with my anxiety, my grumpiness with the lack of caffeine in the morning. For cleaning my house, for cooking for me. For allowing to feel that there are people for me to go home to. But most importantly, for bringing home to me. Now, perhaps, i might have the strength to wake up everyday for the next few months to deal with every single thing that comes my way. It's good to know. It's good to know that nothing much as changed despite being so far away.

"It's the girls in the front row singin'
It's the boys with the wheels that bring them
Its lighters in the air and you guys up there
You're the heart and soul and the reason we do what we do
Here's to you, here's to you
- Here's to you, Rascal Flatts

p.s: just click the photos to link it to the album!:)

sometimes i wonder what is ENOUGH?

Hail to the light, that my baby's watches me.
In the darkness of the window,
I can hardly get to sleep.
Wish for the hour, that the night time soon shall pass.
And the morning dew will bring us,
to a day our souls can last.

Love has a reason, there's a meaning to the world.
We're giving love (yeah)

Situation: candle light,
enough to see the bits around you,
but its never very bright.
Stare at a memory,
you through the grapevine heard the truth.
It's good to learn from your mistakes,
but that only works in youth.

Love has a reason, there's a meaning to the world.
We're giving love
Giving love
Giving love
Giving love

Restless minds, curtain calls, follow fanfares.
Troubled hearts, just a walk down the hall.
Restless hearts you take a punch, just to land one.
Troubled minds, it's only fair after all.
Mountin' the trail, but you got it in sight.
Sometimes our only way is jumpin' I hope your not afraid of heights.
Reach in my pocket, for a bill that isn't there,
To face all of the un-doings, is still more than I can bear.
- Meaning, Gavin De Graw

I don't know how I would choose if someone ever made me choose. I thrive on their support, the laughter they bring, the liberties i get. The right to rant, scream, laugh and cry. The liberty to be anal and pedentic. I'm truly blessed with people all around, this life that I lead which though is the crappiest at most times. Friends whom I haven't seen in ages, whom I haven't spoken to either. Whom I've made promises to, but have failed to keep. Whom have been patient and who understand that i'm trying. Family, who sometimes drives me crazy but I still love all the same. Family, whom I have no idea how to respond to - but still family all the same. I haven't done what you think I have done. It's not foremost on my mind - even if you, you think that it is. There are alot of things going on in my life right now and one decision, that you might consider so momentous and perhaps, life-altering, sufficient to sacrifice EVERYTHING for...hardly is, in the WIDER scheme of things. Life is tough, it's harder than you can possibly presently comprehend (not that i'm saying you never will). I hope you will realise that I'm not intentionally "running away" from the problem which you addressed - it's rather that I've absolutely no idea what to say to you. I won't say that you're too quick to judge, I won't say either that you're right. I still stand my place - everyone is entitled to his/her opinions, BUT no one has a right to impinge those opinions on others. It's not fair. It's not just and it's not moral. Christian or not - respect comes first.

3 X 5s

i've got pretty photos. So many pretty photos. Just walking around, on a road trip with great company going to the snow and all dressed up for barbara's party. It's been one of the best winter holidays ever. I'm having so much fun. Now that school has started, sher and rose are back + jas and jamie are around, my life couldn't be more perfect and I couldn't be more contented.

Grafftti and the girls.

Tobbagans + snow = wild and wacky time of our lives.

With the girls at the snow. the sun was amazing and there was snow falling.

One of the only few photos with the boys with one of the prettiest sunsets i have ever laid eyes on.

at barb's party:)

if you're lost you can look, you'll find me
Time after time,
If you fall I'll catch you
Time after time.
- Time after time, Dj Sammy

be back soon.

Will be away from tomorrow till Saturday. Road trip. Last spurt before the holidays end.

messy fun.

It's been a great few days and nothing, NOTHING can beat the amount of happiness I've been at the recieving end of, with Jamie and Jasmine here. My ol' quiet but pretty house is now filled with people and trust me, it is a glorious feeling being surrounded by the people you love and you know, love you too. The people who understand you, who understand why there is a need to allow me to sleep another 20 mins past the wake-up time, who understand why i HAVE to swear first thing in the morning (mainly because no coffee and lack of sleep equates to cranky me), who understand my chocoholic cravings and a whole lot of other things. I'm happy they're here - it drives all these wintry blues far far away.

That said, there hardly have been circumstances whereby I had a need to re-evaluate where I stand with certain issues, especially when it has no moral or academic bearings. Still though, I've had a need to do show these couple of days besides all the other god-knows how many million other things I've had to do. I just wonder. I've never had my choices limited by another person's opinion - someone I love even, my life was never meant to be based on another person's. I always believed that opinions are opinions and whether another chooses to accept that opinion or not, is one of fundamental rights that us, as individuals possess. To impinge or force your opinion on another, is not only unfair but VERY, very narrow-minded.

I just wonder though what's enough. what exactly is right and wrong in this world especially when the line is so indistinct.

Yes, the bible is right and perhaps, there can only be one right and wrong to some people. But clearly, after seeing this world, the world that we live in, the choices that people have to make (the magnitude imaginable only to those who can empathise) - i truly believe that sometimes, rules have to be broken for the greater good. I don't know. Too hard to articulate or even write at 5 in the morning.

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
am I the only one who's noticed
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
- I don't wanna be, Gavin DeGraw

Friends over for dinner tomorrow. It'll be fun. Tennis is getting fun and Federer bt. Nadal in the final men's singles game of Wimbledon 2007 - so that makes him the CHAMPION.

to be thankful BUT to want more.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
- Because of you, Kelly Clarkson

Yes. Everything speaks for itself. I love this song because it says so much. Expectations really still do suck. And i'm having so much fun with Jamie and Jasmine around. I've got purple streaks in my hair now too - it is utterly wonderful. See, the reason why everything is so short and sweet is because I'm trying to not mention anything about him. I'm apparently trying to forget feelings. Like purge them out of my system.

favourite songs and melancholic days.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Angel. My favourite song ever. This is the song which I have decided that will be played at my funeral. How utterly morbid but i chope first mah. haha. It was such a rainy day today and it affected me even though my day started at 4. Well earlier, but i kinda spent alot of hours lounging around my bed and just making calls, thinking. Then I got out of the house and the rain put me in a really contemplative mood. Melbourne is actually a really pretty place, grimy with the rain but pretty. With the right music, everything is really perfect and it encourages thinking. Feels some times like I'm just having a conversation with the rain and the city. The cobble stoned streets and the old building. Dodgy and even the working types pushing pass you. It strangely grants me this whole sense of contentment. and peacefulness. Therefore, in light of that, I am ok and getting better. I won't die of being heartbroken la please. I'm stronger than that and worse things have happened before, much worse than being rejected by a boy. ha.

so don't freak. No one should freak out. I'm ok. hee hee. MUM, DAD i'm ok and your investment is ok too. doing great and being fat. haha.

Staring at a maple leaf
Leaning on the mother tree
I said to myself we all lost touch
Your favorite fruit is chocolate covered cherries
And seedless watermelon ohhhh
Nothing from the ground is good enough
Body rised
It puts over me

[Chorus:]
Oh chariot your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
Oh chariot I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your:
Strength

Remember seeking moons of birth
Rings made mirrors of the earth
The sun was just yellow energy
It is a living promise land
Even over fields of sand
City filled with burden
Cover me
From bringing back
More than a memory

You'll be my vacation away from this place
You know what I want
Holding that cup,
It's pouring over the sides
Make me wanna spread my arms and fly
- Chariot, Gavin McGraw

and this, another great great great song. makes me happy. takes me away from all things lonely.:)

never knew a love like this.

First, a few photos after the 19th JUNE 2007....

Afterwhich, i have to say...that another chapter of this life of mine ends today. The whole drama-mama and the whole should i or should not ended. I won't say that I'm not sad, but i won't say that I'm not happy either (ok, terrible quadraple negative. my bad). My biggest fear didn't materialise, Weiyong's "worse-case" scenario happened.BUT i shall deal with it. it's ok. I'm ok. I had MY PEOPLE to keep me sane. ( how i am never going to take the advent of technology for granted anymore).

I suppose this can be considered as I having another guy friend who would probably blackmail me in future about all my deepest darkest secrets (of which, you can be guranteed i so will do too.ha.) I do, at least know that somewhere out there, there IS a boy who likes the same stuff as i do and who understands what i'm getting at. (hopefully, there's another out there somewhere) flying pigs and being helicopters (WHAT?!). I have another PERSON. whee. I might actually be able to live my life.

And though some (always some), may argue that perhaps I'm being too optimistic too quickly as we have NO idea what might happen, even a month down the road. I will still hold on to that hope that perhaps, this friendship would work out fine (having already paid my karma dues in this area) and not having to face the fate in The Fray's "HOW TO SAVE A LIFE"....

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

but rather,

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
-Always by your side, Sheryl Crow

Thanx babe.:)

And you know what, for the first time in my life, I think i've actually met a decent guy. i can say that for everything that andrew isn't, he makes it up by proving to be one of the most decent people i know. When the time comes and he figures out what he wants, that girl, who ever she is - will be one helluva lucky girl and as always, as with all my other very boisterous friends who put up with my nonsense because i'm a girl, I would be waiting to see who she is. Hopefully in the future, we'll all be laughing about it over drinks. I the lawyer, the many doctor/.../... friends I have and perhaps the very many others that have joined the gang:)

GOD, what an optimistic post. seriously, I'm running on something that's not caffeine now. It's perhaps my brain over-riding the stuff in my heart. Call it self-preservation. Truely though, i'll be ok.

donenid.

I've done all the things i've needed to do for today. Just shows that I will get off my ass when I really have to. Like pay school fees, collect this and collect that. Pay rent. and a whole host of other small yet significant (used to hardly be so) things that I have to do because i'm here in this foriegn country alone. rawr. Sometimes, you really do miss having all the admin stuff taken care of and everyday, you just wake up to the lovely smell of kopi and wanton mee. ha. It's ok. I'm still living and dealing with it.

I loved the city today. Alone, yet contented. The sun was out, it was freezing and the skies seemed to have broken into a clear blue after the rain last night. I went wandering alone and alot. Went in search of a book for him and my L'Etranger (in english) because poor me still cannot read too many pages of French fluently. I like the bookshop that is hidden below Starbucks on Bourke, i won't call it quaint - but it's good enough. It's quiet and not many people know about it. I just like to wander in. Because being surrounded by books is such a glorious feeling.:)

Anyhoo... I've still not yet come to a consensus about what i ought to do about the whole thing. I reckon, I need to get more opinions, especially from the boys because it's quite clear what the girls think.

The girls say (as Carrie says), "There are some things in life that are just worth taking risks for."

So tell me now boys, what do you reckon i should do?

and am still in a dilemma.

"Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know."
Too close for comfort, McFly

What happens if this happens if i ask. I'm going to slap myself so hard if it comes to this.

massive photo backlog.

Post-exams Steamboat.

copious amounts of food.

then we play mini table tennis

not forgetting scrabble. I love scrabble many many even though, i'm not very good.

Williamstown.

The long endless road. I take great comfort in how it never seems to end.

I secretly think that sometimes my friends have been other sorts in a past life.

So that was terrence above, and this is andrew. Just so you know, the water was frigid cold which is why i refused to budge from where i was.

me:) coz' i didn't want the boys to take a photo of me by myself.

So there, I just decided that it would be just these few photos that i put up because even though there are heaps more, i don't see the need to prove that I AM really a photowhore. ha. It has really been a good few days and I think, perhaps, i do need to get off my ass and get applications done and completed. Afterall, the world is my oyster (or so i would like to believe.) Now i'm sleepy again after so much chocolate. yawn. Hewitt and Andrews is playing tonight, though I'm not that great a fan of them both - i shall watch it anyway. A bit of patriotism and good tennis never harms anyone. Safin is hot. hot. hot. ha. I just learnt today too that chocolate makes you forget and good chocolate (e.g. the KOKO black kind) is even better, it gives you amnesia. It helps you forget boys.

mimimimmimi

I apologise profusely for not having timely blog updates, especially for those who read this blog to find out about how i have this huge-ass crush on some boy, whom, for all i know might like someone else and MIGHT because "we never know who reads the blog" as glowy once said, be reading all my insane depressive entries about him. Bah. but who cares anyway, it is my blog. so read it or ignore it, it's all individual choice.

I haven't been doing much these holidays. I have just been sleeping alot and watching shitloads of tv. Channel 9's showing live tennis matches from wimbledon (due to nothing less that the fact that there are Australians playing), so i've been curled up almost every other night on my sofa watching tennis, following which i move to my bed and spend another half the night watching dvds and whatnots on crunchyroll. Seriously, i'm just making up for the 6 months that I did not get to watch tv.

There have been a couple of trips out though - thankfully, mostly on very nice, sunny cold days. Williamstown, Yarra valley, tennis sessions, movies, meeting up with people. I'm still attempting to pack my place, i'm getting there, just not very there yet. Honestly though, these nice sunny days are few and far between, It's been raining buckets in melbourne, every other day, it's just raining and raining and raining. In fact, it is raining now just as i type this. Yup, it even rained for a full day striaght on wednesday. Shitloads of rain that's doing amazing things for the dams in Victoria just not so good for the people living in the Gippsland area around the bay. They're being subjected to the full brunt of these global warming phenomenon (apparently it is delayed el nino effect as andrew so graciously enlightened), they had the drought and the forest fires, now it's flooding. First no water then too much water. faint. We are such a vulnerable species.

I've got heaps of photos of the steamboats things that i have been having, as well as the day i went to williamstown, mainly of both terrence and andrew clamouring over rocks into the frigid cold sea. BOYS. which i promise i will put up soon, once i get my lazy ass moving. I'm trying to lose weight see - so i'm focusing on gym. Anyhooo. I apologise to those who have MSNed me and my failure to reply. I've been really away. away. it's just that i leave my computer switched on these days and well - you can't exactly know that you've been MSNed if your computer screen is pitch dark black right. sorry again.

Grandma has decided to go to Canada for a month. I gave the option to take such a long holiday up though. Over Hongkong. I chose Hongkong over Canada. So now, after having mulled over for the longest of time. I really hope i get an internship to Hongkong. Somehow. I really want that internship otherwise, i'm so going to slap myself so hard when i end up spending all that time in Singapore when i could have gone to Canada and H & M. On the brighter side though, if i'm actually home long enough within that time I would have a car at my disposal. wa ha. Car. i like car.

Do you guys reckon i should tell him?