What's this you say.

Well so tomorrow or today (by Australian time) would be the fourth week that I've been back. However, as my cousin concurs, feels like it has been forever already since I last set foot on Singaporean soil. Strange huh. I still can't comprehend why holidays pass so quickly and time here, passes soooooo extremely slowly.

And no, unlike last semester I'm not utterly bored or free with nothing to do, in fact, I'm in work/school monday to friday 9-5 on most days and still bring work home to complete. In fact, I've to be so utterly on time that usually by about 9.25 am I have a cup of Brother Baba Budancoffee in my hands, attempting to coerce my brain into concentration. It usually doesn't work, but it helps me stay awake for the first half hour to an hour.

I even have eye bags under my eyes and I NEVER get eye bags till the point where I spent the whole summer in law firms.

So what's this thing that I've been doing and complaining about to anyone or everyone who will listen? it's bar school. I'm not saying it's a bad place, in fact I think it's fantastic what they are doing. Hardly anywhere in the world is there a system that trains law graduates this way, the practical way, with lawyers having probably a century's worth of experience combined together under one roof, so willing to help, so willing to dish out advice. It's like all of us there, all 140 of us are running our own mini law firms and these consultants are the big partners of our mini law firms.

We draft letters, write out cheques, chase clients, swear and affirm affidavits, file documents, maintain our trust accounts, learn about wills, advocacy, conveyancing and all the laws and other things that fall in between. It's like all those years of law school combined into a nice, neat, intensive course. I rather enjoy the work actually. I like that I have my own cubicle, my own desk and chair and of course, my own little way of doing things.

You see, it's not that bad actually. But I think it's some of the people there that are driving me crazy with their ways (but then who knows, i might be driving them crazy with mine as well!) and it is what making me say that I rather be elsewhere than here.

Which, of course, brings me to another plus point with the institute is that even though it's like high school where we have to mark our attendances every day at 9.15 am (and if we are late more than a couple of times, we have to see the director!!!) we don't have to do silly group work things - this means that I, can do my own things without having to worry about people that I don't like, that I don't wanna care about, that I don't want to talk to. So perhaps, by the looks of things, I'll never have to speak to them for the next 6 months (it's what I'm really planning to do.)

That said, I do. I do like the course, the experience, the amazing notes that I've gotten, the instructions and what I've learnt just by talking to the instructions and some of the friends that I've made. I love the routine that my life has been placed under. I like that I'm busy as a bee. I like that it's not so much different from what Springvale was (because when you have to chase your instructors who are your clients, it's like when you're chasing your REAL clients at the legal service). I like having my good coffee in the morning. I like that I get to wear pretty shoes to work everyday.

What i don't like though, is that the another half of my wardrobe only gets to appear on weekends. ha.

food for thought.

Now what does everyone think of Taiwan?

Argh.

Although the thing that I'm fearing can hardly be compared to Iraq (if you are one that might consider the dictatorship fearful) or the amount of fear that politics often wish to embed into the minds of the people, I have to tell you that I'm quivering in my socks - my heart palpitates and all those physiological responses that are apparently associated with my thalamus. So yes, even though my fear could arguably be said to be irrational, the mind is a powerful thing.

Let's see, I could possibly be freaking out because I tend to always do OR (as I have decided it is the reason why) this piece of information that is supposedly getting to me, albeit in another 4 days is going to be pretty much the deciding factor in how life is going to be for the next couple of years. I honestly hate it, hate it sometimes that to think if perhaps I was a bit more brilliant, or I could feel my brain thinking abit more (apparently, people can see me thinking, but I'm always pondering over the wrong stuff..ANYWAY!), i might not be so jittery and anxious now.

You know, I just got over dealing with uncertainty (like whether it's time to move back home and you mean, WHAT! i've to pack my things to go home already) and now, here it is all over again. I don't suppose I would be as afraid if the economy was good and jobs weren't as scarce, but they aren't now. So whatever factors that can improve my employability would definitely be helpful. yes it would.

I would really prefer the option of not having to stay here any minute longer. I did toy with the idea say, maybe like 2 weeks ago, if opportunities are good, but then now, as of the 24 February, i toy with "that" idea no more. I don't want to be here. it's a great place, but I've had enough and I want to go home. Save for sounding like a whiny and ungrateful brat, I REALLY WANT TO GO HOME. gah.

It's hard for me to fully convey how I feel.... some may think i'm over reacting, others, well try to make me feel better by telling me that things will be ok. It'll be no problem. But you know what, I don't have a good feeling about. maybe a bit. but it cannot be considered at all, i suppose. This little hope I have in the context of the greater things.

I may look back perhaps 2 years or maybe even 6 months from now and laugh at myself, but you see, you know and I know that we don't have the benefit of hindsight, because if we did, or at least if I did, i wouldn't be in this strange and health affecting predicament now. If only I knew. I've had a nightmare every night for the last one and half weeks.

It's not a way to live i tell you. it definitely isn't.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

haiya. how?

Love.

I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end
- Love you till the end, The Pogues

and here we go again...

If anything, I'm the epitome of the fine line of distinction between the "I wants" and the "I shoulds". Ask anyone, anyone who knows about my shopping habits, my chocolate obsession, coffee and alot of other things that my life centers on, I blur that distinction every time.

I am also the master of indecision. Yes, even though I know I like to plan how things are, I'm pedantic about organisation, freak out when things happen last minute but I think most times, it is because there's a desire within me to maintain some form of control and so if everything inside of me is in mess, what better way that to exert influence on those things on the outside that I can.

Oh well, whatever it is. I know there are many things in life that I want/should/need or don't want/should not/need or... but then sometimes there are things in my life that I not only need, but I want terribly as well. These things are often the momentous moments (ha.), times that represent the fork in the road, the now or never, the "damn, if i knew i wanted this so badly now... i would have done such and such way way way before!". So yup.

I need that very badly. I have had at, up to this present moment... (and am still counting!) 5 days of insomnia, a sudden pimple breakout, additional weight around belly, nightmares (when i do get to bed!) and very bad headaches. I would give up buying shoes for a year. I promise. One whole year if I got it.

Please please please, pretty please.

and Friday is finally over.

O-V-E-R.

It's gonna be Friday tomorrow.

Somehow or rather, I survived the week and shall, by sheer determination, survive tomorrow as well. I secretly think that this period of sleepless nights ain't going to end till the order of merit is released and I know I can go home, apply for pupilage, do bar exams and a whole host of exciting things that I've been wanting to do for two whole years now. Really.

And I'm not exaggerating.

Anyway, pictures from the past week - St. Kilda, Valentine's Day and those shoes. Those fishy, scaly, black leather shoes.

St Kilda - it was a good thing to leave the city that day


My scaly shoes - did you know they used real fish scales!!!


Valentine's day - He pay, I choose :)

show and tell

I must tell you all about my new pair of shoes that's all leather and has got fish skin on it.

I'm just too lazy to take a picture of them today :|

so today somehow, someway, i survived Victoria's hottest day in history pretty much unscathed except for a bloody nose in the morning and feeling like my head's about to explode.

We're back to cool windy air now because it is going to be 24 degrees tomorrow and rainy.

you see..

Holidays are amazing amazing things.. particularly if things aren't as much fun (i thought it would have been - honestly and cross my heart!) where you are.

and i can go on and on and on because i'm such a whiner and little things get me irritated these days but i shan't coz' i made promises!

but now i can't wait for my cousin's graduation (which mean i'll be 1/4th my way there!)
my graduation (which means that i'll be even closer!)

bloody, bleeding nose.