bring me chocolate. coffee and ice-cream. heaps please.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Trusting.
Everyone has different definitons of what trust is. It could be something that they hold on to in the most dire times e.g. when you fall so hard that you can't even comprehending picking yourself up and starting all over again or even when, you're driving alongside the mountain ridges on a snow covered road. For me, I place my trust in HIM. I think at the back of my mind, in my heart I've always done so. Even when I've failed to recognise it.
He doesn't show that I should trust him blatantly, but rather he does it in the form of sending me people, people who hasn't failed to stand beside me when I fall or when i'm doing a IZZY (a-la lying on the fall whimpering and whining), people who only offer words of encouragement and comfort when I go on and on about how I've messed up the paper (even though, I sincerely at the bottom of my heart believe that I have). So thank you God. Thank you for sending me PEOPLE. Because, once again at this point, at this time in this point in my life, I feel so helpless suspended in this air - where try as I might, I'm stuck in the same spot. Trying to get this around my head.
So dear God, I'm going to try and believe that everything will be alright.
You made it all, Said, "let there be" And there was all that we see The sound of your voice The works of your hand You do all things well You do all things well You do all things well - You do all things well, Chris Tomlin
Doi doi's come and gone. The house is quiet all over again. It was a brief but good respite from all that work that now lays ahead of me. It's great though that i had company for that many days:) It's always good to have friends come from home because they tell you things that you miss in all the other lives being away. Plus, I only let that many people have the prerogative to call me up 9 times in one morning. ha. It's bad though that I didn't have enough time to spend with her - over dinners, breakfasts, suppers and all those other sorts of things I would have liked to do if time wasn't an issue.
That done, onward I go. Towards 3 more papers, a few small steps closer to graduation and a career, but a giant leap towards going home.
I need to lose weight before I go home.
All in all it's just another day now You're falling down What you gonna do Standing on top of the world tonight No ones looking back at you
Stand tall It's going on It's going on It's gonna be just fine You're holding on Holding on today - All in All, Lifehous
Google is amazing, no? It's even got pictures of char siew. It's insane. None overtly tempting, sadly. None could compare to the char siew that I had today. I would just go on and on and on. BUT it's better than ANYTHING i've ever tasted in my life and I do eat alot of char siew because I like it alot. With rice, with noodles, on its own. I just like it. ha.
Really does explains the monstrousity of what I've become. oh well.
Anyhow that said, the Singapore government being thoughtful as they are (particularly since first-time parents have more than enough on their plate already) have now decided to give first time parents one less thing to worry about by offering newborn babies from december health insurance. Which honestly, I feel is a good thing. I mean, I can't even imagine the number of things that parents these days have to deal with when there are newborn babies around. Oh wait, heck, ce moment, I can't even comprehend or picture the thought of having to take care of a whiny, 24/7 crying baby. eeeeeeee.
That's not the main gist of this story though (singing the praises of our government), it was me half-expecting that somewhere in the article would read that the insurance would be slowly offered to me, after i read that it would be offered to "youths". So surprise, surprise, apparently youths are those under 20 and i no longer belong to that category. strange. strange.
Trusts is driving me nuts.
Ooh, I am now three hours ahead of Singapore because daylight savings is over. C'est tu. And I really kinda dislike the fact that I've just lost another hour of precious studying time. Ok. But be thankful. at least one hour ahead means I don't have to pass through an extra hour to eventually be able to go home.
I pray that 10 years down the road, we'll still be doing this - laughing. enjoying good food. being crazy. flirting with french waiters. despite all that will be going on in each of our individual lives. no matter who we are: rose - famous arbitrator, sher - high flying corporate lawyer, rach - tai tai NO. 1 (ok la, she'll be at work too! hee hee.) and me - construction - transversing the globe lawyer.
Anyhow, those amazing dreams aside. Corps is over. I'm still holding my breath (ok rather, I have that holding my breath feeling still.) it's like I'm breathing, but I can't breathe properly either. rawr. I wouldn't say it was a great paper and I have a bad feeling about it. Yet, I feel utterly cheated at the same time. I spent sooo many hours on the subject and i didn't get to showcase it all!! CHEAT!
This picture was apparently taken in a cemetery. Funny how it is though, as I think for many of us (though I dare not say it's ALL OF US), it's only when things are taken away from you that you realise that you've failed to be thankful for all the things that you've been given. I've been prodded and poked and very kindly reminded of the fact that I often seem to unthankful for all the things I have. It's always been I want this, I want that (and I think I've hardly ever stopped wanting). I honestly can't remember the last time I've truly felt complete contentment, perhaps it was when I last stood atop on a mountain with the wind blowing and the sun setting that I actually felt this way. BUT, I think that I don't want to feel thankful and content ONLY WHEN i've accomplished a great feat - i want to learn to be thankful always because it is the little things that count.
But i admit (for all my fallacies) that it is hard for me to do so. To remember to give thanks when things are shite. I promise though from today that I will try because I've been given so much more than most people have. I will try to remain an optimist about things. I will try to remember that the miraculous is in those things that I can't see, that I can't actually grasp and stop whining. FOR ONCE. goodness.
Your love is extravagant Your friendship, it is intimate I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place Your love is extravagant - Your Love is Extravagant, Casting Crowns
Foxtrot has the best cartoons...they've got something for everything (only problem's finding them really). It's what's going to happen very soon, actually...it might already be in the works. Brain's always mush these days after THAT long in the library. But I think we just have to wait for when the four of us (Rose, Sherlynn, Rach & Moi) are studying for trusts then it begins. ha. The lawyer jokes, the law references, the arguments (me: passive & aggressive; rosie & sherlynn: arguing for their lives; rach: just sitting there going, "oh no! NOT AGAIN!"). However, despite this we know we still "like this!". 8 hours holed up in the library seems like an awfully long time BUT 8 hours holed up in the library with girls makes things heaps easier to bear.
So thanx girls..hang in there. It hasn't started BUT we know when it's over it'll be time for nice dresses and tea.
Now back to section something-something of the Corporations Act. Oh God help me. poo.
P.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACH!
one step at a time That's how it's gotta be from now on And the reason or rhyme for packing up or carrying on - One Step at A Time, Michael Buble
There are quite alot of things that take the number one spot in my other list of priorities. He is one of them. Watching him play live is one of ma life's dreams, alongside watching Sarah Mclachlan and John Mayer in their elements...is number one on that alternative list where my world is in this utopic state. So here I am crossing my fingers, twidling my thumbs and a night worth of sleeplessness...I'm still not anywhere.
He is placed under the folder "the serious stuff" on my bookmarks bar alongside World Vision, RBTA and a whole host of other causes and administrative shit that I have to take note of. Yes. That's how important he is.
Because you could be better than that Let it get the better of you What could be better than now Life’s not about what’s better than You can be better than that Let it get the better of you What could be better than now Life’s not about what’s better
All the time while you’re looking away There are things you can do man There’s things you can say To the the ones you’re with With whom you’re spending your day Get your gaze off tomorrow And let come what may - Better Than, John Butler Trio
Subtle hint? ha. I don't know. but it's back to work.
****update***** I'll be damned. 12 hours later the website's still down and no tickets and little to no work done + frustrated crying me. If this is what efficiency is then I rather have it the Aussie way.
****update 2****
tickets. tickets. Jay's tickets!! whee. i love my daddy and mummy NOT that i didn't love that before..but if love can be quantified i love them one whole mt everest more.
I've said before that I like to be in control. Being in control of the way I live my life is how I get security. It is how I feel safe, it is how I find the strength to wake up everyday and live. It is how I find the determination to continue despite everything that I find is not going my way. In fact, I find hopelessness in having to deal with what-ifs; when things are set in concrete, when there are too many things that have yet to be confirmed. In fact, Melbourne has been a breeding ground for one of the main mantras in my life, that is, it is better to have the power to be in control and have an affirmative decision rather than to just wait and see. But I pay for this through sleeplessness. Dreams and fears.
But you know, I got jolted once again in service today. Pastor Tim reiterated what so many people has been saying to me all along, that there is no point worrying about my future, there's no point fearing what the future will bring (no point worrying my house, no point worrying about Hongkong, where I'll be) but rather, i need to fear the NOW because that is what is REAL. There's nothing else to fear when you fear GOD, who is the creator of the NOW.
That said, it's still a tad hard for me to comprehend. Because I've been taught to plan for my future. Live my life for my future. Work towards this future that I want. And along with all that future comes with all the worrying that I do. It's not easy for me to not want things done immediately, to get an answer immediately. To know where I'm going after this chapter of my life blows over. I don't know.
Yet, I feel that I've still got alot of thinking and pondering to do about this.
P.s. God did send the house:)
P.P.S: The plans for January are still not confirmed. I have no idea where I'll be as of yet. Might be home half of January and in Melbourne the other half. Or I might be home for it all. I'm not worrying though, it's going to be a fun month. ha.
I don't know how to make lots of money I got debts that I'm trying to pay I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings But that don't mean much anyway I can't give you the house you've been dreaming If I could I would build it alone I'd be out there all day, just hammering away Make us a place of our own
I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you
I don't know that I'd make a good soldier I don't believe in being violent and cruel I don't know how to fight, but I'll draw blood tonight If somebody tries hurting you
I will write you a song That's how you'll know that my love is still strong I will write you a song And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you - Write You a Song, Plain White Ts
Weather's been lovely the last few days. But today's the only day I really got to enjoy it in all it's wondrous-es-ness. I'm a happy camper.
I'm having a huge ass problem with my tax return though. Rawr. I hate to admit it, but this is one of those times when I need a blooddy computer that will run on windows.
Nickname: Nole, Nox, Nokia Born: 22nd May 1987 Birth Place: Belgrade (Serbia) Residence: Belgrade (Serbia) Height: 190 cm Weight: 75 kg Plays: Right hand (Backhand - with both hands) Started playing tennis when he was: 4 Status: Professional since 2003 Racquet: Wilson Sports Wear: Adidas Current Coach: Marian Vajda
Career High (Singles): № 3 (09 July 2007) Career High (Doubles): № 134 (20 August 2007)
Novak Djokovic began playing at age four and made his pro debut at 16. Father, Srdjan and mother, Dijana own a pizzeria and pancake restaurant on a mountain in Serbia for last 15 years. Father, uncle and aunt were all professional skiers and his father was also an excellent soccer player. His father wanted him to be a soccer player or skier but excelled in tennis at an early age. Credits his family as inspiration for giving him so much support and says he wouldn't be able to be where he is without their help. Younger brothers Marko and Djordje are both in school and play tennis. Idol growing up was Pete Sampras. At age 12, attended Niki Pilic Academy in Munich and practiced there before returning to Belgrade. Nole speaks Serbian, German and English. Favorite surface is hard courts but considers himself an all around player. Best shot is backhand down the line. As a junior, advanced to Australian Open junior singles and doubles SF (with Jenkins) in 2004. Coached by Marian Vajda and fitness trainer Salvador Sosa.
.............
Watch this dude. He's the next big thing. (and he's my new favourite). Now that the Australian Open tickets are going on sale, I'm rather tempted to be come back in January as opposed to Feburary just for my exams (particularly since Hongkong has collapsed over my head) and at this point of time, there doesn't seem to be much for me to do back home. I would really like to see Federer, Djokovic, the Williams sisters, Bartoli and maybe secretly, Sharapova in action. Then of course, Rufus is coming to play on Feburary 1st. I think I really like the idea of coming back for the Australian Open. I think I'll go and consort with my partner in crime. muahha.
I'm strong on the surface, But i've never been perfect For me to have you...
When my time comes Forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed Don't resent me when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memories Leave out all the rest Leave out all the rest - Leave out all the Rest, Linkin Park
Strength is when I look back and know that I've fulfilled my dreams, done was is required of me and yet still some left to go on. I will be strong. Oh wait, I don't have a choice. I have to be. This dream of mine, I live alone.
On a lighter note,
Tsin dear, I think the cameras are trained on the girlies when Djokovic is playing because he's too cute. hee hee.
I often run because I enjoy the two hours I have with my head but also because, there are alot of times throughout my life that I need affirmation that really most things will come to pass with preservance, alot of strength and very often blind determination. I have lived most of my life like that BUT things are a little different now. Usually, my secret strength and preservance would only have to be taken out ocassionally, now though I find myself having to draw on it more and more. It's like each time I take from it, it takes me me double the effort to build it up again.
I don't know. But it's tiring. I've NOT been wanting to admit it, but I'm already flaying under the stress of school, of a new home, of internships, of having to think about moving.
Because I know sometimes the remedy for utter stress and being a State library dork can only be sometimes found in the form of Milo Ventimiglia and John Krasinski...here they are:)
P.s. you take John ok? coz' i want Milo. hee hee.
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of (...) - Dream a Little Dream of Me, Louis Armstrong.
I have been very busy since I came back from -----. Sorry that I have taken sometime to get back to you.
My law firm is not suitable for your purpose. You need to join a larger law firm so you could gain the experience you need. I have been told that most of the international law firms will go over to Sydney looking for suitable candidates/trainees sometime in March next year. The best way is to make sure you speak to them when they come. Get more info from your university on this.
Hope the above info is useful to you.
Regards, ------
Come up with a better excuse. dammit. You know what, after I get over this feeling of disappointment (which is right about now), I am fucking glad that YOU didn't help me. I am fucking glad that I've known YOU in my life. And I'm even more determined to show you that I'm going to be a great lawyer where you are, without your help. YOU couldn't even fucking get the city I am in right. No thank you. But thank you for re-iterating the fact that this life I live is my own. My dreams are my own. I won't ever owe anyone for getting somewhere.
and you know what, if being you and what you have means forsaking my family, for making empty promises, and for one moment giving someone who is trying their hardest the faint hope that perhaps you aren't as bad as everyone claims you are....i rather not be you. Or even better, I don't want to be you.
I'm glad you, were never, or never will be part of my life.
We don't sleep to dream We sleep to build stamina Energy to do our thing
Gonna be somebody For anybody tellin me I can't Gonna be someone For anyone who told me I had no chance Gonna be somebody I'm tellin you the time has come (Like that) Gonna be someone And maybe you'll get it when I'm finally done - Be Somebody, Fort Minor
I'm sorry Wu Chun, but your place as one of my greatest loves has been replaced by Mike Shinoda. He's the epitome of everything artsy. OMG.
My virgin rock concert was a blast....LINKIN PARK did not disappoint. The mosh pit meant that I was covered from head to toe with other people's perspiration including my own. It did however mean that I had a way cool florescent orange wristband, I was part of the whole jumping shindig, all the screaming, all the shouting and this voice now, which is half lost. ha. it was sooooo soooo much fun. I'm utterly convinced that the best way to make someone love a band is to take them to a concert. I mean if they're good live, they're great. Ooooohhhh so much fun!
I am officially a fan.:)
Tickets stubs change into....
Wristbands. awesome-ness.
Before the concert and half an hour later...we're still stuck at the merch stand. oooh.
After the concert, soaked through. Legs tired but on this high.
and this, is one of my favourite songs....
Turn my mic up louder I got to say somethin. Lightweights step it aside when we come in Feel it in your chest, the syllables get pumpin People on the street they panic and start running. Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming. I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme i'm dumping. Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and Jump when they tell us that they wanna to see jumping. F**k that, I wanna see some fist pumping. risk something, take back what's yours say something that you know they might attack you for cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for. Like this war's really just a different brand of war. Like it doesn't cater to rich and abandon poor. Like they understand you in the back of the jet, when you can't put gas in your tank, and these f**kers are laughing their way to the bank, cashing the check asking you to have compassion, AND have SOME respect for a leader so nervous in an obvious way Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay and the rest of the world watching at the end of the day in the living room laughing like "what did he say?"
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen
In my living room watching, I am not laughing, Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen The world is cold, the bold men take action have to react or get blown into fractions. Ten years old, it's something to see, another kid my age drug under a jeep, taken and bound, and found later under a tree, I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me.
Do you see, the soldiers, they're out today they Brush the dust from bulletproof vests away. It's ironic, at times like this you pray, but a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday. There's bombs on the buses, bikes, roads, inside your market,your shops, your clothes, My dad, He's got a lot of fear I know but enough pride inside not to let that show. My brother had a book he would hold with pride A little red cover with a broken spine. On the back, he hand wrote a quote inside: "when the rich wage war, it's the poor who die" And meanwhile, the leader just talks away Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay and the rest of the world watching at the end of the day both scared and angry like "what did he say?"
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen.
With hands held high into a sky so blue as the ocean opens up to swallow you. - With Hands Held High, Linkin Park
Live Life. & Sometimes, it's better to tell the truth.
Having ended off saturday with heroes and Grey's - I must say that the producers are perhaps taking all our feedback seriously. I think I still love Heroes as much, but Grey's, I love it so much more this season. The characters are once again telling their stories through their patients. I feel like it's more real.
Anyhow, the weather's been dreadfully crummy over the last few days. So bad that it just makes you want to stay in bed the whole day - curled up beneath the sheets so that you wouldn't be wet and cold. So yes, climate change IS happening. because just days before - i had this......
Outside the MCG around 7-ish on a Sunday morning.
This is not a very nice photo BUT at least there's some sun:)
Cousin and I - After the run and the sun's gone into hiding for abit. I had to wear a cap after coz' the sun was too glaring.
My personal beach - suntanning on my balcony.
Well in any case, at least the weather's slightly better today. The sun's out, it's shiny. Not too warm but not too chilly either. Problem with it though - i'm stuck inside being a dork. We should not try and hide the fact WE ARE DORKS.
Linkin Park in a few hours. I hope they don't disappoint.:)
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right I'm tripping on words You've got my head spinning I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you You and Me, Lifehouse
oh and all the very best my littlest mei (who's not so little any longer) for your exams. For once again i'm out of the loop.
Sydney Half Marathon: 2:12:24 Melbourne Half Marathon: 2:12:49
And to think that I thought i ran better in Melbourne because the weather was sooo much better and the terrain was alot flatter than in Sydney. Oh well. I blame the people who were walking up the bridge that led to the MCG. I also blame the horrible circle that they made me run around the MCG (I actually did shout kan-na-sai really loudly when I found out how stupid it was. poo) anyhow that said. I'm thankful that it was such a successful and fun two half-marathons. Two in three weeks though not overly challenging was a very exciting experience for me. Going to Sydney to run was a good test for the mind and the spirit because everything was so unfamilar. I had a great time and I'm looking forward to more next year. I've got people promising that they would run with me (yay!), I'm going to get a watch to time my runs, new terrain to conquer (gold coast, canberra, adelaide) and best of all, being able to constantly test the will of my mind.
I realised though, that i do need to train because as three half-marathons in Australia have shown, my time won't improve if I don't train. I think my last personal best in Melbourne was just shy of the 2:12:24 by mere seconds. So train i will. Run I will too. This over though, there's exams coming up. (no i'm not looking forward to it! still can't runaway. They begin on the 26/10), i've to look for a house, worry about hongkong, decide on the subjects for the next two semesters and a whole host of other little things that are really quite bothersome (but i have to get through).
Still, I have to remember to just pray. For strength, for patience [my sp(2) formula], for alot of things I do need to learn and remember to pray.
its ok you know i'll live to fight another day its ok you know i'll live to find the words to say its ok you know i'll live to find another way - It's Ok, Delirious
For life. for love. for unfulfilled dreams. for chasing dreams. for being told that my world is an oyster. for delays. for sucky walls with blue rocks that are so hard to climb. for forgotting how to climb a silly wall with blue rocks. for playing my own game. for the another mind game I have voluntarily gotten myself involved in. for my half marathon on sunday morning. for the things i do to make myself feel that I'm worth it.
I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today - Somewhere I belong, Linkin Park
Let's hope I get out of this rut soon and find some place, some one to call my own.
Not here, not there. just well - i don't really know.
One's Hongkong. One's New York. Surely something in my life must be great and successful right? Surely I can get somewhere through my own sheer hard work and talent (even if it has been given to me in a really small portion). Because, really...I don't really want to spend my life repaying favours. Imagine:
Scenario 1:So and so and so did this for you at that time, therefore you must do this to thank them.
or even better..
Scenario 2: Because I did this for you when you were in school, you jolly well better do this for me now because I can take all this away RIGHT NOW.
I've seen enough to know deep down that to be subject to another's whims and fancies isn't the way i want to live my life. It isn't the way I want to be successful. I don't want to owe anybody anything. Not ever. No way. Even if I did owe anyone anything for getting to where I imagine myself to be. it would just be to mom and dad. I'm not like mean or anything...it's just that it's one of the only ways to keep the na-na poks out. rawr.
So no word from dear old Hongkong yet. Time to make alternative plans. Pray harder. Work harder and lean on that hope that someone will overlook how mediocre my grades are and give me an opportunity to prove how good I can be.
and trust me, this feeling sucks. all this "wait and see" things. all this "i-don't-know-where-i'm-going-to-be" things. it is one of the most fucked up feelings in the world. I'm almost practically friendless having had no time to think about things, how to give proper replies to people whom I truly care about because there's just no time to do everything. I hate that I have to choose between the things I love to do. I hate that I have to choose between the people I love and sleep as well. This life that I'm living..it's very strange and convulated at the moment.
But, ironically there's no time to think about it exams are three weeks away and i'm barely sleeping enough. school's taking my brains with my money.
I pray that tomorrow would be better - at least my cousin and Sarah's providing great after school stress release distractions and George told Izzy, " I love you too". (Waited three bloooody seasons for that line). Plus there's good books for long train rides. So alls not lost.
I wonder what it's like to be a super hero I wonder where I'd go if I could fly around downtown From some other planet, I get this funky high on yellow sun - Real World, Matchbox Twenty
Anyhow, NY is on the cards as the GRAD TRIP. I'm going and I will get there.
I pretty much live in a world of make-believe because try as I might, I cannot NOT hope. So I constantly wish to be all these things, to want all these things and do all these different things. Hopefully, like I've been told, one day all these dreams will come true. Absurd as they may be. Out of the ordinary they may be. Or even when people tell me otherwise. On the other hand though, i admit, it's a pretty good form of escapism.
Now that House is back, I can be the doctor that most other doctors are striving to be. Cool, snooty (because I can) and kick ass smart.
Having spoken to someone who's just been to NY and back, it has reignited my desire to go to NY and have the most amazing time. Fifth avenue, hot chocolate at rockefellar centre, skating in central park, snow falling, chilling with friends, being with the ones i love over christmas. Tres fantastique. Summer watching the US Open, soaking in the summer, working in a high rise building. Tucking into good meals. NY's the place to be. At least now, I can live this secret holiday of mine vicariously through someone who's been there recently.
Heroes has returned as well, the Hills is on the way and Damages is in the works. TV has spoilt me but it has allowed me to take a trip to la-la land once in awhile. Now all i really need is TiVO, the trip to NY, a superpower, truckloads of brains and I might actually be set for quite a time to come.
So grow tall Sugarcane, Eat that soil, drink the rain But no, they'll chase you if you play their little games So run, run fast, sugarcane. - Sugarcane, Missy Higgins
