Summer here I come..

Dooode doode doode. Unlike them, I do not care how small my christmas tree is (at least there's one!). With the end of today's test, summer here i come. No more shopping alone (more times than what I am comfortable with), no more toasting myself by myself. yayayaya.

wheee.

I just got great news to end the year and I reckon, even though I didn't GET an internship in Hongkong...I'm going to have a kickass summer. The fun has just begun!! yayaya.

* Twiddling my Thumbs *

I'm scared shit-less. I'm still scared. I haven't been that frightened in my whole entire life. ahhhh. I've been waking up with transfered pain in my arms and my shoulders. My tummy, my legs, my knees. And this whole sense of lethargy. I'm really frightened. I don't dare to deal with the what-ifs. I think my world might fall if I attempt to do so.

overwhelmed

Amazed yet how everything has turned out but nothing short of gratitude. Really. Last week and the first half of this week was a blur (although it still feels like the days are draggin on so SLOWWWWWWLLLY before the weekend comes). I remember sitting in church on sunday just overwhelmed with gratitude about all the things that have happened so far. And I still am. But now. This friday, I've got two huge obstacles that await me before the year is finally finally over for me and I can plan for January. Exam results and a pleading test. They're both not huge issues but the former has caused me enough distress to disrupt my sleep patterns for a week striaght. I wake up with nightmares. I'm in a conundrum. I can't decide whether I want my results back or not. Trust me, i'm not one of those that will worry about whether my grades are Ds or not at this point, but rather I truly fear (gripped with fear to the very bottom of my soul) whether I've passed everything. I haven't told anyone yet, but you know I blanked out during the first trusts' question - I couldn't remember the distinction between a trust power and a discretionary trust (and to think that i was so clear about them both before the paper.) see that is why i fear.

No internet access

Michael Leunig. He's one of the foremost political cartoonists of our time I think. His cartoons appear EVERYDAY in the opinion sections of the paper. Just one look at the cartoon and it kinda gives you an idea of the political situation in the world today. He's really funny and fast becoming one of my favourite political cartoonists:) Check out more of his work here. I think I should just save this cartoon just in case I've got another globalisation essay to write. He's kick ass. I can't wait for the calendar to come into the mail. whee.

But Michael Leunig aside, I HAVE MOVED.

Which really is NOT such a big deal, but then taking into consideration that I really dread packing, my new house smells funny, there are gross things in weird places and there is still hardly any place to walk, it is a GREAT DEAL. but ok, I've decided that I shall move on and stop na-nee-nahing about moving, packing and everything else.

Things have been going pretty well except for that. Exams are over for Sarah and Cousin so there's pretty much nothing to do these days except watch tv, chill, stone (not the drug kind) and perhaps take a trip to the Ian Potter Centre, Gordon Bennett's pieces are on display. They look very promising and good for an afternoon of pondering. I do love art galleries. think about home, about internships, about the warm weather, about swimming and all other beautiful things that I might do and get to enjoy being home. I'm not going to hongkong any longer, first I've got not enough money (although mom did promise me that I could go for two weeks at her expense), but that aside I've got no time somehow as I don't wanna just go for the weekend and then come back feeling even more tired than I was when I went. I want ti to be a nice, slow and chill holiday. yuppers. home i would be.

I've got more pictures from the moving (it was just 4 girls doing the moving, the movers didn't count coz' I think we carried the bulk of the things up the truck! GIRRRRLLL POWER.) plus the KTV after (6 hours! we sang for 6 hours!). It was fun but now, i'm completely shit-faced and tired. I need more caffeine BUT i shouldn't. Will put pictures soon:) soon.

Just one last dance
before we say goodbye
when we sway and turn round and round and round
it's like the first time
Just one more chance
hold me tight and keep me warm
cause the night is getting cold
and I don't know where I belong
Just one last dance
- Just One Last Dance, Sarah Connor

Still very much packing. gah.

All I want for a Christmas is a robot that is programmed to pack things.

I'm really only grumbling because I have to pack (and I really do HATE packing alot!). I can't emphaise the word "hate" enough really. i really really hate..hate...hate...hate (X1 million) kind of hate packing. gah. Why why why why why is it so hard to pack and put everything in boxes. Why can't there be a magic spell that magically puts everything into nice neat boxes and when I snap my fingers again, they magically unpack themselves and I would have MOVED in. ahhhhh. I swear I'm going to end up dreaming about carton boxes running after me. This whole packing fiasco always takes the toll on me. Doesn't matter. It's sometimes even worse than exams - i'm not me. gah.

I wish I had ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT of money so that I can hire people to pack for me and then unpack for me after. Actually I think I would prefer to have magic powers - no need amazing ones, just packing one can already. That would be free too.

HELPPPPPPPP.

Everything else though has been decent, pretty much fantabulous. I've gone back to school, which I'm utterly thankful for. Too long out of it and bumming makes my brain revert back to a kindergarden level. I've been trying to gym everyday. I'm eating like two cows (wait till you see me when I get home!). I went to watch JT on saturday night alone and it was an awesome experience. It was a tad intimidating at the start, a total test of one's self-confidence. BUT once he got on stage, all was forgotten and it was my date with JT. hoot. I love. I will put pictures up soon, once all this insane moving is over and done with. GOD HELP ME.

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself
- Losing My Way, Justin Timberlake

4am

It's 4am in the morning and I cannot sleep - despite the serious need to. I'm a wide awake because I'm having a panic attack. The I-think-i-will-exams that kinda of panic attack. I'm worried. I'm honestly that close to almost shitting in my pants. I think I have insomia. It's been like that for the last week. I try to go bed early, but to no avail. I'm always wide awake...thinking that I WILL fail my exams. HOW?

Apple Strudels

Sher came back from Perth with Corsica Apple Strudel...whee. ha. I love (alot!). that chases all symptoms of PMS away. This beats having PMS any day. haha. Anyway, apparently going to the gym, cleaning houses and watching tv makes you alot more tired than studying. I can't figure out whether I'm sleeping so much out of boredom or simply because I don't have anything to do. But alas, I am NOT complaining. Civil starts next monday (from 9.30 in the morning - monday thru fridays!) and i'm looking forward to that, now though, i'm just getting as much rest as I can, as well as as much running i can before my legs start complaining.

Bad doesn't even begin to sum up how frustrated I am that this day has become.

Inefficiency drives me insane.

In the midst of rushing.

When people you hardly care about start questioning who you are and whether you are really busy. When it comes to a point where you simply just give up pacifying them....

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.
- May Angels Lead You In, Jimmy Eat World

,p> I may not appear to have done anything at all these past few days. It may even seem that I haven't accomplished much in the last few years of life (particularly since we all measure accomplishments through material things). But I feel that I have. So I don't need to justify to anyone (ANYONE!) whether I've really been that busy, I don't have to pacify anyone when it comes to my actions, much less explain anything to anyone.

Packing again.

Yup. it begins one more time. It's time to move. so i have to pack. I have to start taking a liking to packing. I do it too many times for it to be painful to do. ah well. thankfully help is on the way and I have to get down to packing somehow, alot due to the fact that civil is starting on the 17th (which means I have one week to get my affairs in order i.e. do as much as I can and then wait till my cousin finishes exams!)

In the meantime however, I've moved from being one type of bookworm to another. I've finished two Matthew Reily books since Constit ended on tuesday and I'm just taking it in like a thirsty wanderer who hasn't tasted water for a very long time. They're good books and I'm really quite content being a bookworm of this sort. Law textbooks though are really interesting at certain points throughout the year (i particularly have to love them during exams), story books (the ones with history and fiction all moulded into one) interest me a whole lot more. All the time, anytime. In fact, I actually think reading can help regulate the amount of shopping I do because all I really ever want to do is read. So it's been good. Still. Now i have to pack. poo.

oh and the writers' guild of america are on strike. So godamnit. Just pay them more you silly broadcasting networks who earn more money that most people would ever see in their lives because some people (like me and you and you and you!) need tv to survive sometimes! and they deserve it anyway. greedy porkies.

i hope i pass my exams.
i hope civil is interesting because alas....

I've only got 4 episodes of SITC left.

dang.

falling short.

of course today is a great, amazing day. I won't deny that. I won't even attempt to rob GOD of how wonderful he has made the day to be. Bright and sunny, the cute boys at Mr. Tulk out in full force (including Sylar who has disappeared for the whole entire span of my exams), the weather's warm and just right for a summer dress, I'm going shopping with the girls, making dinner for a nice few tonight and heck even the skin therapist says my skin is better (although I believe that it was greatly protesting the amount of stress I was putting it through coz' of exams). Coffee is great and I've got Sex in the City on replay with nothing much better than to do than mother the two who are preparing for exams.

Got rejected by Clifford Chance, but ok. So what. I'm dealing with it. I'm upset. But I am dealing. My cousin says I'm very much like Meredith, (of course I would rather be like Christina) but I'm starting to think I am - the thinking, the self-centredness BUT that's ok because there are days when I just need some time to just think about me. All about me. Whilst of course doing things for other people.

But somehow over the course of last night and this morning, between these two awfully nice and pretty days (with everything to be thankful for - yes including exams, including being here, including being alive, including being able to have copious amounts of coffee)..i felt like I've been cheated of something. I've fallen short. I feel like once again I've been compared to something that it's NOT that I don't wanna be there in that place, but rather I don't have a choice that I'm not in that position. I wish I had many things too but these things are not in my control. And I'm starting to accept it. But it's very hard for me to do so particularly when I've been put in a place, constantly though subtlely where the position I'm in is being questioned ever so often. I think I've done everything I can to NOT be in that position - but of course, things DON'T always turn out the way you want them to.

Have yourself a Merry little christmas,
Let your heart be light
Next year all over troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little christmas
Make the yuletide gay
Form now on our troubles will be miles away
- Have yourself a merry little christmas

and my world falls apart.

stuffed.

one more day - before this whole FIASCO ends. poo. I can feel the viruses attacking my body.

As Joey says, "SUPPOSEDABLY!"

My inch of body feels like it's been punched, battered and bruised. Particularly the shoulder blade bit and also my silly gums still hurt. As of now, wisdom teeth don't make me feel very wise at all. They just put me in a great deal of pain. (i'm really trying not to complain)

That said, I had the most amazing breakfast in this cafe my cousin discovered. Tres delicieux. Italian Styled French Toast with Fresh Fruit Compote and Ricotta. Too bad the coffee can't match up to Mr. Tulk's.

I've to get back to work.

Change, everybody's feeling strange
Never gonna be the same
Makes you wonder how the world keeps turning
Life, learning how to live my life
Learning how to pick my fights
Take my shots while I'm still burning
- Everyday, Jon Bon Jovi

Rain.

It's been raining continuously for one and a half days as of now. God did send the rain and that's great, because Melbourne is awfully in need of it. Some of ALL that rain should have got into the Murray and the reservoirs - as much as Melbourne's not my favourit-est place in the world, I really don't want them to run out of water in the heat of summer.

That said, I'm glad that God did send some rain, because it cleanses as Rose writes. And metaphorically, it gave me a MEREDITH moment. Water washes everything away. The grime. The bad. Even if temporarily. It's a good feeling.

I just have to make it through and I'm almost home.

星期深夜我想起了你，
沒什（me）特別只是回憶，
你讓我（zi）由
我很感
星期深夜我想起了你。
﹣王力宏

Boredom

I think one of the most exciting things that happened to me today was the fact that only after 4 bitefuls of strawberry sponge cake did i realise that the cake was mouldy. I honestly thought that it was just cheesy. Seriously...mould + cream = cheese.

I'm bored. that's why i'm blogging. I've procrastinated for that long already, so this is the last thing on my list, before i might actually start typing things into word msword for mac. Just three more days lai yanting..then it'll be all over.

I'm planning to go to taiwan in december or january, so is anyone interested in the case that my sister decides to play me out. Although, I'm very willing to ( i think!) go all by myself if I have to.

As of now, like all the other people around me...I need a very very very long, kick-ass holiday.

I know a place that we can go to
A place where no one knows you
They won't know who we are
I know a place that we can run to
And do those things we want to
They won't know who we are
- Let me take you there, Plain White Ts

When friday comes around...

When friday comes around, it really just means that another week is over and the weekend is here. whee. On most other times, when friday comes around, it means a date with the wall. I sure hope I'll get to do that soon - i kinda miss the adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment i get when i finish...one wall after the other. This week has been a long one (it's not one of the hardest and the longest, there's been worse!) but it is still considered one. It started with doina saying goodbye last sunday and culminating with me completing my third paper in this "twice-a-year" pilgrimage like routine. Yuppers. exams are 3/4s the way through and with one responsibility ending, another comes snowballing around the corner. I fear both most of the time, actually all of the time.

Exams always trigger off the worst in me, without fail. It has better odds as compared to say winning 4D. I literally am in this world of my own, i space out, i snap, i crave ice-cream every single day, i get grumpy because I can't run and therefore grow fat, but I have no appetite, my heart jumps at anything and I dream weird dreams. i study like mad, but i'm always scared about ALL the things that can possibly go wrong during the exams (despite having gone through it god knows how many times). And this, is really disregarding the fact that law exams are one of the most unpredictable things in this universe. It's like those lit papers in secondary school - where you think you've done good, but it really is SHITE. yup those kind and honestly, not many people can comprehend this fact. Law school and exams are the most interesting things in the world, but it's the weirdest as well.

It did make me realise though, that it all boiled back down to this "fear" thing. Perhaps, what i fear the most, is really failing and NOT making anything out of myself (attributed alot to the fact that my school fees amount to well, almost 25K a year). I KNOW as of now, that i really want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a teacher - i don't want to history or art or anything else that everyone else might think i'm decent at. I want to be a lawyer. I want to have client files, I want to draw up contracts and I want to represent people. I want to be a lawyer, a good one...as much as my baby sister wants to become a doctor. But really, that aside..it all does go back to fear.

And it still sticks, the thing that Pastor Tim made a whole sermon of: that there is nothing to fear when you fear God. It sticks as much as New York, as a balenciaga, as a pair of manolos, as much as my dream to be the best lawyer that I can be. I mean of course all these things pale in comparison about how powerful fear can be, but it's a pretty decent comparison. I remember not being able to sleep on tuesday night before trusts, not being able to sleep and just thinking. Thinking about the exam, thinking about what I really wanted to do and just praying very hard that I won't fear all these things. Things that I've tried my best at, but still might not go according to plan (as the year has very plainly shown). Praying didn't chase all the fear away, it did however help settle my very fragile heart. I didn't wake up not being scared of taking the exam, I didn't finish the exam believing that I would pass either. All I only know was that, I prayed very hard that this feeling that I would fail would go away.

Thats why I said, I've to learn to believe.

Oh well. That said, I'm glad I got through this week sane and still in one piece - i lost coherence for about 6 hours after my trusts paper. Ask my cousin. She'll tell you.

P.s. Jay's new album is out and thanx to a very powerful friend, i am now in control of all his new songs. whee.

In times like these
In times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes
- Times Like These, Jack Johnson

CONSTRUCTION LAW EXAMS TOMORROW!

This is how I want my library to look like....
a whole chamber (oh heck, this is not even a chamber!), walls of white, covered with lots of books and more books in mahogany shelves and lounge chairs with swinging ladders. Apparently, this was in the state library all along. I just didn't know it existed till today. I was just stunned for a whole 15 mins whilst sarah and cousin just got down to studying. gah. I'm such a waster of time. but oh well. I thought i'll only ever see these things in my dreams......so heres...sarah studying...
and my cousin in amazement as to how awesome the light just falls and making so perfect and beautoooooiful:)

And these, are our new friends.......
we haven't named them yet, but I'm sure we will soon!!

Another day with you
A twist or a waltz
It's all the same schmaltz
With just a change in the scenery
You'll never be old hat
That's that!
You're timeless to me
- Baby You're Timeless to Me, Hairspray Original Soundtrack

c'est vrai.

It is true that you have to exercise for at least 30 mins, once every 48 hours, even if not to maintain your sanity, but to at least make sure your body stays in some decent form that one could possibly can term, shape. Even more so when your normal exercise routine usually encompasses: gym - monday, wednesdays and maybe thursdays, three hour climbing sessions at least two days in one week, yoga: at least once a week and long but fun walks when the weather permits. Your body suffers when this routine is thrown out of whack (made alot worse when your eating habits remain the same!). I am suffering from this now.

Running honestly never felt so good, but I have got the most number of love handles, the thickest thighs in 6 years and a slowly forming double chin that is out to get me with a vengence. poo. I am pudgy.

That said, it was one more paper down today and 2 more left. It's not a great deal of time left and i'm trying to put in my all. Just today though, it crossed my mind that perhaps, I really cannot wait to start working (and a subsequent conversation with my mom who tends sometimes, though I know not intentionally, be a damper to the spirit and my drive to fulfil my dream, reiterated this.) It's like all the hard work, over the few days and in periodic spurts over the course of the semester is over in a mere three hours. What decides your fate and whether you know your stuff or not, boils down to a grade you get in a three hour paper in which, you hardly have time to think in. I mean it's good coz' it trains us to work under pressure and time constraints. However, I can't hardly feel any sense of satisfaction at all. poo.

I think I might have messed up my paper.

But I am thankful that it's over, that I got to go running today and yes, finally one of my plans in concrete for the summer.

Ca C'est Bien