** DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ME RANT **

There I warned you. I'm going to rant..even though it's been such a beautiful day (i cannot stress how beautiful it's been) and tommorrow, yes..finally!! tommorrow's the first day of spring. It's here. so anyway

I'M FAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes. I am. Cheek bones disappearing, stomach protuding, thighs touching, saggy underarms kinda fat. yes. I am going to turn the obese at the rate I'm going. I'm eating so much it's scary, it's as if I'm eating for two. Don't believe me..this is what I ate today:

1. small coffee (slightly smaller than tall at Starbucks)
2. Orange
3. Yogurt
4. Bread roll
5. 2 carrots
6. 1 cucumber
7. 30 grapes
8. 1 weight watchers apricot bar
9. 1 teeny packet of baby (wang zai xiao man tou)
10. 3 squares of chocolate
11. 2 biscuits
12. 1 lavash di-lee cheese
13. sesame thingys
14. 5 sweet and sour hearts
15. 1 can of vegetable and barley soup with lettuce and egg

That is alot of food. Alot for one day..I think it's probably twice the amount that I usually eat and it really sucks. I'm supposed to eat less..not that much. And it's killing me. Really it is. The intake is greater than output ( I being sick and thus, unable to go to the gym for the last few days) sucks. I really hate myself sometimes.

Ok. I know I have body image and weight issues but seriously, I think I ought to be skinnier with the amount of exercise I'm doing. How much I eat in a day is more the daily recommended intake of 1,800 calories. I'm overweight. I tell you I am. hai. how??

Nonetheless

Warm and sunny it's been today.21 degrees with sun, no need for the heater. Brillant.I think it made my cough better. No it hasn't gone away yet but I feel like its better. then again, I could be delusional. oh well. Spring feels like it's here. It's going to be above 20 degrees for the next few days, till sunday at least (that's what the weather forecast says). With warm weather, I'm sure I'll be ok in no time. I decided that I'm not going to try (not even attempt!) to get a doctor's appointment because it's too hard (or, wait impossible!). The OSHC places are all usually booked out with people and even if you managed to slot yourself in for an appointment, it means waiting for 2 hours to see the doctor, who'll probably just give you a prescription of medication. I don't have the time, neither do I wanna wait 2 hours to see a professional who's going to tell me something that I already know. Besides the anxiety that would be created trying to get an appointment is going to make me feel worse. So ah. there's no point really.

oh yes..i went to get my hair washed and blown today because I had a gift voucher from the magazine. Hmms..remind me again WHY people are willing to pay so much money to get their hair made up and styled when sometimes, the people you get have no clue whatsoever they're doing ?!! Beats me. Because today, the hairstylist gave me the impression that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing and he said that he would cut my hair for 35 bucks.

no way

in other things, the reason why I say that I'm feeling better because I'm back gymming. It was good today was launch day because it meant that Brandon's alot nicer with new people in the class. ha. So not as tough and maybe it's good that I haven't been in a few days..muscles got rest. so today I enjoyed every bit of it. It's good too knowing people. i got a freebie bag. (yes another! i think I'm the biggest cheapskate around!) but daddy.. I got a free schick quattro shaver for you. It's battery operated. :)

well have a good day all of you. I really want to go home.

you.me.him.them.everyone.everyone else.

Cough's the new cool fad. Every other person I know either's going to get a bad throat, has a bad throat or like me, has been plagued by fits of coughing that really makes you cringe and not wanna eat in the morning. (appetite gets better as the day progresses though)

the last two days' been pretty amazing, with lisa and I colluding to celebrate my cousin's birthday..i bet she kinda's sick of cake right now after all the cake that's been almost literally forced down her throat last night and today. It's been heaps of fun though

I must say, her party was a success. I get the feeling that she's alot happier this year than she was last year. which of course, is a fantabulously great thing :)

we bought her cool new speakers, travel sized yet absolutely powerful. bass. phwor. then of course, there was lisa's flowers and her whole box of koko black chocolates, with one slice of tiramisu and some chocolate ganache thing at midnight..pizza, pasta and calamari for the celebratory dinner and balloons.

so for the first time now..(waha!) my cousin's room can compete with mine..it's cluttered, heaps messy and absolutely a joy to look at -grinz-

there'll be pictures soon..promise

anyhow..my new cough syrup is peach flavoured, which i think...really makes it alot worse. in fact, it actually kinda sucks because now I'll never make peach flavoured konnyaku jelly again.

gah. alright..headache's killing me & my panadol's calling me

good night

Crazy uni pharmacist said that I ought to see a doctor. hai.

anyway.......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECKY !!!!!!!!

Change the world

Yups. Thats the title of John Mayer's new single. For a preview, just click on his name..and there's a link that'll take you right to his preview. Woo yes. Finally, after waiting for like 4 years, his new CD is out, out, out. They're launching it in America on the 12th of September and Amazon.com has it avaliable for pre-order. I love amazon.com. It rocks. ha. Now I can't wait to get in the mail. whee. whee. whee.

Anyhow, I got my voice back. Chilli and curry, so does a job that makes you talk heaps helps (apparently).I'm still coughing though and those headaches are appearing as if they've got a life of their own (I think they do!). Panadol is a miracle drug though. Sleep is too. I'm thankful for the weekend.

That said..I thought I'll list the things that I like about Sunday...

1. Sunny days (since the week that Jinwei and I broke up)
2. Starbucks
3. Waking up whatever time I want
4. Anticipating that my new eye-candy would be at Starbucks
5. Knowing enough people who work there on Sundays - cheaper coffee
6. Nua-ing
7. Chilling at home
8. Being able to finish my assignments
9. Having heaps of time to waste
10. I just love Sundays

Weekends. They rock my world.

All made up//Couzzie in skinnie jeans with the birthday girl // Cheng xi, Nisa, Vivek & Couz // look what we came home to find? // high on lalang // one too many drinks


I like this photo


Sunday is nua-ing day..don't know what my cousin's not happy about. SUN. SUN. SUN.

And so yes, here are the photos of my last eventful weekend as promised. It was so fun dressing up. I kinda missed the whole she-bang of it all..dress, make up. whee. I have another "dress up" session coming soon. Law Ball. On Sept 8. I hope that's going to be exciting.

Anyway, I sound like a duck quacking now. Thankfully my cousin didn't record me trying to sing "tin orh orh" by Sun Yan Zi.

In any case it's work tommorrow and I'm sad that I cannot watch Nip/Tuck.
We went bonkers at JB HiFi.

I swear I'm not (try to!!) buying a single article of clothing anymore.

oh oh oh oh..another thing is...ok. I know this is super, duper early for like birthday party invites (I promise I'll send out proper ones!) BUT just thought that i'll let whoever is reading this know that I'm having a barbecue on the 25th of Nov at East Coast (CHALET'S BOOKED!),it's not to celebrate my birthday per se, but rather it's going to be a gi-normous gathering!!! so you're all invited:)

7 minutes of power

so apparently...some smart asses decided that it's time to evacuate the whole menzies building for a drill (seems like what it was!) on a day when it's freezing cold and raining. So there. now i've got 7 minutes till my next class, which though on one hand is absolutely wonderful, on the other, it effectively makes me feel that I'm not making full use of my time

oh well..the perils of it all

in other things..yes I'm sick. I've a cough and a rather bad headache. The lady at the pharmacy says though..it's probably not the flu (cross my fingers and hope for the best), and she just gave me lozenges to take on top of strepsils..according to her these are different because they're chock full of vitamin C.

shrugs. whatever she says

anyway, it's the first time, in 3 years that I've fallen sick here..I'm now thinking who I could possibly have caught the bug from..because as far as I'm concerned I haven't shared anything with anyone in the last three weeks..my cousin hasn't even got a cough yet

I think this is now..effectively an even better reason for her to stay clear of me

alternatively though, it could also be because of the fact that in the last 3 weeks, i've been stressed with possibly everything..one major change in my life. Don't believe me..read Gen's latest entry!

so anyway, i hear that my 7 minutes is yup. and I'm going to do some math. Yes I do like math

I'm going to love the person who is going to make me chicken soup!!

I'm a princess...wheee.

You Are Ariel!

Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

There are those who deserve and those who don't

Last night. Last night was a Monday night and I really missed him. Yes I did. Because usually on mondays he spends time with me. He says "good morning" and I get kissed goodbye before I go to work. Just 3 weeks ago..it was still like that. Just 3 weeks ago I wasn't alone. But apparently..it wasn't enough. and as they all say..he didn't deserve anything that I did for me, any of feelings and any of the love.

Today though, I miss her. Yes yes..just the lady down below. Who deserves me loving her, even though I probably don't deserve how much she loves me and how much she has done for me.

Yup. that's my grandma-ma. I miss her today. I was walking down to the store when I overheard these two old ladies talking and one was telling the other how, just the night before she was making dumplings (like wanton noodle dumplings) and how they aren't easy to make and it didn't turn out well. And there was being mean..thinking..ha.My grandma could close her eyes and wrap dumplings..

Ok mean to think that way and mean to be eavesdropping

shucks..how I really miss her. The smell of her cooking, her smiles and her words of advice, which once I thought was simplistic, yet upon reflecting upon them, they made so much sense.

She's one other person that everytime I see her..she grown smaller and perhaps has succumbed to what getting older brings. she's still strong though. She's amazingly strong.

I wish i would be too..when I grow old

Disappearing me

Hello.hello. sorry I was M-I-A-ed for so long..i just had to make sure that I was feeling better before I blogged..I was having one of those lows. Just well..just now. It's all better now though.:)

Anyway I had a blast of a weekend, kinda sad that it ended again.
Friday night marked Tanu's 21st birthday celebration and that was crazily fun because I got to dress up. I got to wear my new dress, put on makeup (the works!), wear my nice new dress, put on nice earrings, wear my pretty black heels. I'll put photos up soon..ok..not just of me..but of everyone..tanuja, yunling and even my cousin.

Sunday was a nice and beautiful day. It really, really was. Clear, blue skies..it's like God's saying, "here I know, you like clear, bright, blue skies on a day where you want to nua, so there!" :) My cousin and I had scrumptious breakfast/lunch/dinner at Gypsies (SMITH ST!)..they're scrambled eggs are perhaps the best around! whee. Got photos too!

School though has been driving me absolutely insane. Just been ranting about how I've kept up on all my readings since this semester started and all of a sudden, I've got like 2 million and one assignments pounding on the back door. Gah.

well in any case..hopefully everyone has a good week. I'm heading back to land titles

oh and just for a fact..even though chocolate (too much!) makes me sick..ha. I still like it

shit-te

the greedy pig (a.k.a moi) ate too much chocolate. too too too much chocolate.

now i feel sick

blessings are abound

pretty things in the mail

Ooh. Look what came in the mail for me. Heaps and heaps of funky presents. Thank you Mon. Thank you Jams. Thank you both for the lovely pressies..it was a surprise.
It made my day. The sun was out, and I got stuff in the mail. Nothing will beat that.

I even had dumplings..a nice dinner with my cousin.
And you how, I'm supposed to save my salary for important things..shucks I indulged..guess what I found sitting in this video store on Bourke St - Meteor Garden 1 & 2 on DVD. wa ha ha ha. I've been looking for them for like forever..Singapore doesn't have them anymore...so now that I found them.Couz convinced me that I ought to get it since I've been searching for them for forever. Oh well. All's good.

Oh yes..daddy..ah ha. I think I have the "I cannot speak Chinese" face because this Hongkong guy at the store told me "those dvds don't have english subtitles!!" in a rather indignant way...ah ha.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Another august 15 - another year - another birthday for daddy.

I hardly think anything has really changed since my daddy's birthday less year. He's grown a tad older of course and perhaps, the stressors of life is finally wearing him down because everytime i see him..be it after 3 months, after 6 or after 9..when I actually get to see him in person or give him a huge hug, when he's not just an image made out of lines and dots or computer bytes transmitted through the system - he always looks older, smaller and tired.

So take care daddy.
Take care of your health.

Thank you for another year - another of support (emotionally and financially!!), another year of love and another year of life.

Happy Birthday.

Seriously. It is really. Really.

Well..it's time to move on. Like honestly, honestly. Even my body attack class is telling me so. Why? Because usually for warm-downs we get sappy songs like Nickelback's "Faraway" or something along the same lines as "i'm lying alone with my head on the phone"...but today though, guess what we had for warm downs - Kelly's "Breakaway".

Kelly's awe-inspiring and she rocks my socks off.

Ha.

Swing. Swing.

goodnight. sleep tight. I'm being a FAT girl tonight.

Sunday morning

we just got started // look who i bumped into // st. kilda in the light // Couz and Lisa // beautiful // guess who?! // my ugly butt // blur vs. cheeky // AA members // Cousins // Leroy's menu - is it really that hard? // just to end it all

It was a very beautiful Sunday. Actually, it still is. The sun was out and St. Kilda was just basking in the light of the sun. It was 17 degrees..a nice cool temperature that hopefully would continue till we get into Spring. I had pancakes at Leroy's, and we went walking around. Lisa, Couz and I. Then, as God would have it..guess who I bumped into - yup...Robin, Bel, Sherlynn and their friend Jo, who came to visit from Singapore.
You know, it was perfect. It really was.

Strangely though, I remember how when I first got together with Jinwei and I actually was at St. Kilda with Joel, Gloria and Derrick looking at the light and the people, I had really wished that he was there with me - on the sunday, enjoying the bustling of the people, the market, cold rock ice-cream and just the feel of the sea breeze glancing on your cheeks, uplifting the spirits. Guess now though..there'll never be the chance to do so..but it's ok.

It occurred today (for those who know why we broke up) that I should never fault anyone for liking someone alot..but rather, it's something to be admired, and the courage to face up to what you feel ought to be respected as well. So perhaps, beneath all that pain and hurt that came along with the tears, I should be proud that he did something that he wanted, something that he stood by, something that he actually chose to. Hey see..I did have good "yen guang" after all :)Love's not easy, but nah..I won't give up on it because I hate people giving up on me, so I won't give up on anything or anyone....

that said.

We're running Stand Chart..doesn't matter how long we take..all that matters is that we finish it:

21km run

1. Me
2. Ray
3. Ling
4. Ling's friend
5. Charlie
6. Jasbir
7. Ethan(?)
8. Ray's friend (?)

10km run

1. My family
2. Monique
3. Stuart (?)
4. Jon Huang
5. Becky (?)

Come on. Come on now. We'll turn it into a party and it'll be so much. The best thing about it all...we can pretend to have citibank cards and get free ice-cream. ah ha.

Remind me

"I Could Get Used To This"

The Veronicas

You make me breakfast in bed
When I'm mixed up in my head
You wake me with a kiss
I could get used to this

You think I look the best
When my hair is a mess
I can't believe you exist
I could get used to this

Because I know you're too good to be true
I must have done something good to meet you

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this

I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
Lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this

You love the songs I write
You like the movies I like
There must be some kind of twist
But I could get used to this

Because you listen to me when I'm depressed
It doesn't seem to make you like me less

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this

I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
Lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this

If there's a dark side to you I haven't seen it
Every good thing you do feels like you mean it

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this

I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
Lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this

You make me breakfast in bed
When I'm mixed up in my head
You wake me with a kiss
And I could get used to this

Yup. this is exactly what i want in a guy..i mean of course there's also the "must be smart, funny, tall and the "oh-he-makes-everything click" criteria" that must be met also.

tall's quite an important thing..as sherlynn would understand. and as for the "oh-he-makes-everything-click" criteria, rose would understand. See, we like smart and charming, yet down-to-earth men. ha.

So guys please...next time if any of you see me heading towards another conundrum or another potential "here yanting goes again" and I fail to see it because "love makes me blind".

Please, please slap me, talk to me, scream at me, threaten me - just do whatever it takes to get it inside my head. Because as far as I'm concerned you guys have a proven fantastic track record, whereas I for one...haven't got a very fantastic history especially when it comes to judging guys to become boyfriends. ha.

Don't be nice ok?

Coz' I think you all actually might know me better than I do.

Anyway, that said, in other news..a tram derailed at the corner of La Trobe and Swanston St this evening. That meant that the whole tram system in the city was choked up and everyone, yes every single person was stuck without means to go home and flinder's was full of people coming home from the game. Thankfully though, it wasn't raining..

otherwise. just imagine the mess. Anyway, sunday here i come:)

Yes I'm hopeful

If this song is not motivating..I don't know what it is. Really I don't.

Hope

TWISTA (f/ Faith Evans)

I wish the way I was living could stop, serving rocks,

Knowing the cops is hot when I'm on the block, And I

Wish my brother woulda made bail,

So I won't have to travel 6 hours to see him in jail, And I

Wish that my grandmother wasn't sick,

Or that we would just come up on some stacks and hit a lick, And I (I wish)

Wish my homies wouldn't have to suffer,

When the streets get the upper hand on us and we lose a brother, And I

Wish I could go deep in a zone,

And lift the spirits of the world with the words with in this song, And I (I wish)

Wish I could teach a soul to fly,

Take away the pain out cha hands and help you hold them hi, And I

Wish my hommie Butch was still alive

And on the day of his death we had never took that ride, And I (I wish

Wish God could protect us from the wrong

So that all the solders that were sent over seas come home

We will never break, though they devastate, we shall motivate,

And we gotta pray, all we got is faith.

Instead of thinking about who gonna die to day,

The Lord is gonna help you feel better, so you ain't gotta cry today.

Sit at the light so long,

And then we gotta move straight forward, cuz we fight so strong,

So when right go wrong,

Just say a little prayer, get ya money man, life go on!!!

Let's HOPE!

**

[Chorus]

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,

Take this music and use it

Let it take you away,

And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way

I know it ain't easy but that's okay.

cause we hopeful

**

[I wish that you could show some love,

Instead of hatin so much when you see some other people commin up (I wish)

I wish I could teach the world to sing,

Watch the music and have 'em trippin of the joy I bring, (shiit)

I wish that we could hold hands,

Listen instead of dissin lessons from a grown man, And I (I wish)

Wish the families that lack, but got love, get some stacks

Brand new shack and a lack that's on dubs, And I

Wish we could keep achieving wonders,

See the vision of the world through the eyes of Stevie Wonder, (you feel me) (I wish)

And I hope all the kids eat,

And don't nobody in my family see six feet, (ya dig)I

hope them mothers stain' strong,

You can make it whether you wit him or your mans gone, And I (I wish)

Wish I could give every celly some commissary,

And the po po bring the heat on them priest like they did R. Kelly, And I

Wish that DOC could scream again

And bullets could reverse so Pac and Biggie breath again, (shit) (I wish)

Then one day they could speak again,

I wish that we only saw good news every time we look at CNN,

I wish that we could never get the blues,

Wish I could bring back the people that died, Eddy too

I wish that we could walk a path, stay doin the right thing

Hustle hard so the kids maintain up in the game,

Let's HOPE

**

[Chorus]

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,

Take this music and use it

Let it take you away,

And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way

I know it ain't easy but that's okay.

cause we hopeful

**

Wish the earth wasn't so apocalyptic,

I try to spread my message to the world the best way I can give it,

We can make it always so optimistic,

If you don't listen gotta live my life the best way I can live it,

I pray for justice when we go to court,

Wish it was all good so the country never even went to war

Why can't we kick it and just get em on,

And in the famous words of Mr. King "Why can't we all just get along",

Or we can find a better way to shop and please, And I

Hope we find a better way to cop a keys, And I

Wish everybody would just stop and freeze,

And ask way are we fulfillin these downfalls and prophecies,

You can be wrong if it's you doubting,

With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains,

And only the heavenly father and ease the hurt,

Just let it go and keep prayin on your knees in church!!

And let's HOPE

**

[Chorus]

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,

Take this music and use it

Let it take you away,

And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way

I know it ain't easy but that's okay.

cause we hopeful

In other news. The cabbie drivers of Melbourne are on strike.
Yes they are.
They've used their nice yellow taxis and cordoned off Flinders and Swanston Street - which really is a rather big deal because Swanston St is the main street running throughout the CBD.
Yes. hai.
Oh do we need peace.

The end

So another chapter of my life has closed. Today marks the end of the first week. In about 45 mins, that time last week - it ended. It was time to bid adieu and move on. Move on I have.

I feeling so much stronger today. Like honestly, so much stronger. The only sense of exhaustion I have at this point of time is the fact that I've been at school since 8 today and also that I've been dashing about like a mad coyote, with just 4 shots of coffee to keep me sane and awake.

I appreciate all the love. Really I do. And I think everyone of you are angels. Somehow, my life has been blessed so richly with all of you in it. There's really no way that I'll give anyone of you up.

I'm ready to go, go, go, go and get my second upper class honours. I'm ready to do all the things that I've planned to do, so perhaps Singapore's 41st birthday marked something new in my life.

That said...

Standard Chartered 2006!!!

If we all register before the end of August, it's like half price from the original. For all those who are thinking of doing the 10k run..there's another incentive to do the 21k one...ah ha. it's just 3 more dollars for a race that is professionally organised, a greater sense of achievement (see right, you run more - you can eat more later!!), and a nicer looking running tag.

Still then..that said..i guess all that really matters is that we try, or rather you try. I am going to run the 21k route..possibly with Charlie (?), Ray, Ethan (?), Ling.

If they back out on me though, I'll still be running (I need to prepare for my food marathon the next day la.) so join me? Please. Please. Please. it'll be fun!! And don't worry, we'll train too!! it's possible, if I can do it..anyone of you can too.

I'm currently rather unfit because of the gi-normous amounts of red bean buns, ice-cream and chocolates that I've been eating. But we'll run, run, run, run ok?

I'm singing a song. I've moved on. I still think he should ask her out. Just because.

9th August - National day

Happy birthday Singapore.

Once again..I can only send you my warmest wishes from faraway. Thank you for being the perfect place for me to grow up, thank you for being that small, small island that doesn't have obscure corners and that travelling from one end to another can be achieved within a day.

Thank you giving my parents opportunities because if not, I wouldn't be able to follow my dreams. Thank you for having ol' so cheap yet scrumptious food. Thank you for providing the environment where i've made so many good friends.

I hope it'll be another fantastic year for you.

Oh yes. It's national day today ain't it? It's always like that. I think Singapore always has beautiful weather on National day and Melbourne is strangely always freezing cold on the 9th of August. I remember that for the last two years Melbourne's always been pouring even if the days before was always bright and warm...like this year again.

However, because we don't have a public holiday even though there are so many Singaporeans here...every other Singaporean I've spoken to was going to dress in red and white today. Ok..maybe not all of us are in red and white..at least my cousin, her friends and I are. I even had a white scarf. hee.

I'll be attempting another parade webcast this year.

Hopefully I might be able to watch the fly past this year.

Well.. that said

Happy birthday Singapore
Happy birthdy Gloria

:)

Honesty

Sometimes, I really don't like being honest. Because honesty means that I'm admitting my vulnerability, it means that I've got a weakness.. and in these circumstances, honesty means that I'll probably end up disappointing half a dozen people out there who's been rooting for me and telling me to go on.

I miss him. I really do.
Every single place I am, I remember him. I remember his messages, I remember his few and far-between smiles, I remember his matter-of-fact ways and his obssession with anything remotely sweet or chocolate-ty.
In fact till today, till I made my cousin do so for me, I didn't have the courage to delete my favourite messages sent by him. Always so outta the blue, but always nice.

I'm afraid that I would forget. And I'm feeling a little lost without him around, even though my cousin has been such a fantastic job trying to occupy my nights.

It's the hardest in the night when I've got time to think. When I've got time to dream.

See that's why honesty sucks because on one hand though I know have to and I should just forget and move on, on the other, it's so, so, so, so hard.

And I won't wish him the worse either because that's not what love is. But then again, love is not suppose to be so hard either. It's supposed to be kind, sincere, patient, it's suppose to take no offence, it's suppose to forgive. It's suppose to give. Perhaps, giving me up and letting him give me up was the biggest thing I could have ever done for him.

It's really not suppose to be that hard.
And even more so, I'm suppose to be stronger than this.
I'm suppose to forget and go on like I've always done.

Maybe, it's my fault then that I fell so hard, that i trusted him, that I believed with all my heart that he'll be the last person who'll disppoint me and make me sad.

I shouldn't have believed so easily.

So tell me again - why am i stuck in this predicament one more time? why haven't I learnt?

stupid. stupid. girl.

million miles away

Million miles away

Rihanna

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend.
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.
**
[Chorus:]
It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight.
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right.
And we both know that the story's ending,
We play the part but we're just pretending and I can't hide the tears
'cause even though you're here,
It feels like you're a million miles away.
**
Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season love is change
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside.
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry.
**
[Chorus]
**
[Music Plays]
**
[Bridge]
**
We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before,
While our song is playing its last note,
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.
**
[Chorus]

Now don't we already know the answer to this song?

Sorry I'm so weak. But I'm still not over him.

It hurts too fucking much.

I'm replaceable.

And everything I did couldn't measure up.

contradictions

I can't hate you anyway

Nick Lachey

An empty room can be so deafen,

The silence makes you wanna scream,

It drives you crazy.

I chased away the shadows of your name,

And burn the picture in a frame,

But it couldn't save me.

**

And how could we quit something we never even tried,

Well you still can't tell me why.

**

We built it up,

To watch it fall.

Like we meant nothing at all.

I gave and gave the best of me,

But you couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away,

You stole my life,

Just to find what your looking for.

But no matter how I try,

I can't hate you anymore....

I can't hate you anymore.

**

Your not the person who you used to be,

The one I want who wanted me,

And that's a shame but,

There's only so many tears that you can cry.

Before it changes the life right from your eyes,
**
And I can't go on that way.

And so I'm letting of everything we were,

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

**

We built it up,

To watch it fall.

Like we meant nothing at all.

I gave and gave the best of me,

But you couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away,

You stole my life,

Just to find what your looking for.

But no matter how I try,

I can't hate you anymore.

**

Sometimes you hold so tight,

It slips right through your hands.

Will I ever understand?

**

We built it up,

To watch it fall.

Like we meant nothing at all.

I gave and gave the best of me,B

ut you couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away,

You stole my life,

Just to find what your looking for.

But no matter how I try,

I can't hate you anymore.

Know what. I'm angry now.
I'm angry that you broke your promises to me.
I'm angry that I'm so replaceable
I'm angry that's really that was all that I meant to you
I'm angry that you just gave up and hardly, perhaps never even tried.
I'm angry that you thought that you knew what was best for me.

Just know you broke my heart.
Truly utterly broke my heart
And I can't really feel too sad because why should I be sad over someone who just dropped me out like that.

i think i'm worth more than that

I don't hate you because I can't..but at the moment, I don't like you either.

Day 2

Well it's strange how I woke up today knowing that things aren't the same. They aren't. I've been ushered back into the realms of singlehood, which though ain't bad was alot quicker than I expected it to be.

don't hurt as much, ok not as much as I did last night anyway, though it still does but everyone's support helped. Thank you. It's amazing how things can change in a span of minutes, hours or days and honestly, for the past 6 months though it didn't seem that I was really, really in a relationship...I really honestly did like him, maybe even loved him to the extent that I was very willing to do anything for him. Yup.

But it really did end just like that. Doing my favourite thing, eating ice-cream in cold. I think the breakup didn't hurt as much as knowing that all the time he was me, he was thinking about someone else. That hurt the most. It's hard to believe now in retrospect, even though he said otherwise, that he really mean all the "i love you"s. Perhaps it's karma, because that's what i did to ray and now i'm paying for it. To have liked someone else whilst you were together with another.

Honestly, if this was growing up and learning to be strong...it has been too much in a year for me. If not for those around me, I think I would have checked into a mental institution myself..depression and a mental breakdown.

I will be strong. Because there's a need for me to be. I'm sad but I know it's not the end of the world. I won't die without a boyfriend, not having someone to miss or care extra for. Ironically, this passing perhaps is a load off mind, for me to focus on other pertinent matters such as scoring exceptional grades to get my ass into Exonmobile.

I'll move on.
and you know what..i think i just discovered heaven today.

it's time to party.

welcome.

There were too many many memories on my old blog.

So I thought now. It's really finally time to move on

It's time to change.

So here I am.

Thanx for coming:)